Being “hot” 2 of 2

So I was in preventive class today for well you know… preventive driving, and there was this other guy there. He was in for aggressive driving, doing 102 in 55. He also had a Lamborghini. After talking for a little bit, I asked him how much of those was, and he casually said something like “I don’t know… about 250”. Yeah, and I’ll never play in that league I thought to myself. Anyways, we talked for a little more and I had to say: “that must be such a chick magnet”. “Not as much as you’d think”, he answered. “I get more guys checking it out, yeah, haha, guys and kids”.

Now this is very interesting. From a guy’s perspective, that is like the ultimate sign of power: I’ve got money, I’ve got guts, and I’ve got style. What more could a girl want, right? Well, there’s a little more the girl side of the story.

Even though every girl would want to drive in one of those, that is just half of being “hot”. The other half is the confidence that comes with it. Being hot is about being desirable for the other person and remember, attraction is not a choice.

Emotionally Hot Guys

What girls want besides a super nice car and a lot of confidence, is somebody who can handle them. Somebody who will know what to say to sweep them of their feet, somebody who can be adventurous yet sensible. A lot of guys out there can buy the nice clothes, spray some Giorgio Armani and drive a fast car. It takes a lot of work to get to the other level, of being emotionally mature, expressive and connected. Yes, girls want the adventure, but they want the shared adventure. That is something that the macho guy will not be able to provide in a relationships.

Somebody who is confident, yet kind and interesting with a good sense of humor is so hot because a relationship with somebody like that would be amazing. Besides the physical part, it would be a blast to spend time with such a guy. Learn to be that guy.

Emotionally Hot Girls

For a lot of guys, what does the trick is a short skirt and a tight tank top. It really does, because men are such visual creatures. That however, will not translate into a healthy relationship. Every guy wants somebody who looks attractive, again- because we are such visual creatures. But the emotionally mature, confident, sweet and funny guy will want something more than an intense make-out session. He will want to share his adventures with somebody who can appreciate it, who can understand it and enjoy it.

An emotionally hot girl is one who can understand what the guys is feeling and come along-side, join the fun. Not because she’s insecure or because he will complete her or because he has been prince charming she has been waiting for. A hot mature guys would want to spend his time with a girl who is confident in herself and wants to join the party, the adventure, the journey. They would want a companion that comes not because she needs the adventure, but because she can enhance it.

Conclusion

At the end of the day, being hot an attractive is much more than being like runway models. What we want is not just somebody to have sex with, but share our life with. We want somebody mature, strong, caring and comfortable in their own skin. If you’re enjoying the life you live, you want to share it with somebody else.

Being hot is about learning how to be desirable for the other person, both physically and emotionally- because we have a body and a soul. Don’t be concerned just about the body, chiseling those curves and don’t be just about the soul, praying and reading books all the time. Learn to do both, learn to do them well – because you have both a body and a soul.

Be that kind of person that other want to spend time with, that are enjoyable company. Be like a birthday present for your future spouse: nicely wrapped with great content inside.

 

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Being “hot” 1 of 2

Does being “hot” matter? How does one get to be like that? Proverbs speaks of “charm” as being deceitful. How does it add up?

From a guy’s perspective, beauty matters. Asking if a girl is cute or hot is one of the main questions. Should it be like that? That’s another discussion. The fact of the matter is that this is how guys think. I’ve talked to quite a few girls who think the same about guys.

When we look at somebody, anyobody, we start from the exterior, we start from what we can see. We make a first impression, and we continue our assessment from that. How many times have you said: “all I need to make up my mind is a good look and 2 minutes of conversation”?

How we look matters, and how we carry ourselves matters as well. It may matter less in a committed relationship, but you have to go through first impression in the beginning. And if you want to make a good impression, you’d want to be “hot”.

Before we get to know somebody’s heart, we see their face, their clothes, their shoes, their nails. All these say something about you. Since communication is about 53%-89% nonverbal, you want a handle on what you are saying.

Being “hot” is making yourself likable, desirable. You put yourself in a postion where people like what they see. A lot of it is being well groomed, and polished. Add some fashion, a good parfume and nice hair-cut, and you’ve given yourself a much better chance of making a good impression. And remember, “you’re never fully dress without a smile”.

This is the first half- the physical. The next story will be about emotional attractiveness.

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Making Love versus Sex

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There is a lot of hype about love versus sex. While I would be the first to agree that they are very separate, I think I can safely say that they are more integrated than we think. It’s not like you can’t have one without the other. Obviously. But I think that when linked they create a unique and beautiful way of expression that is not possible when separated. Let’s start with some definitions.

What is love? When I talk about love I mean being having a companion who you can be fully open with. This person knows your best friend secrets and it ok with dating or marrying you, even if they don’t like them. I’m talking about someone you trust, who you’ve spent quality and quantity time with. Intimacy is really only possible when you allow yourself to be vulnerable. And hopefully love allows for this.

The boredom aspect: Ever notice that things which used to thrill you as a child don’t anymore. Ever notice that a first kiss isn’t a breathtaking as it once was? Ever notice that you can drive for hours and never notice a single interesting site when as a child you would be enthralled at every new view?

We naturally get bored of things. Just like a smell decreases over time of exposure, so constant exposure to pleasure and other sensory stimuli will eventually cause us to get numb. In a relationship this is a terrible thing. You don’t want your sex drive to go away but at the same time there is only so far in how “freaky” you can get before your sex drive starts wanting other partners.

Love is perhaps most passionately expressed in sex and sex is perhaps most passionately enjoyed in love. However, what drives the need for sex makes a world of difference in the way that pleasure is perceived. It also makes a world of difference in the way the couple’s relationship either develops or deteriorates.

Here’s the difference. The man or woman, who is simply looking at sex a form of pleasure, or an artificial way to get close to someone, must constantly look for ever increasing levels of pleasure and intensity to satisfy. The chemical dopamine which is in part responsible for our drives is thought to be never satisfied (so to speak). Thus purely physical drives or drives that come from emotional insecurity cannot really be satisfied even with the pleasure that they desired.

However, a couple who is truly in love with each other (as described earlier) is not looking for pure physical pleasure to satisfy those drives. Their drive is the need for oneness and intimacy, to increasingly know every aspect of their lover. Thus, they have a natural source of increased energy to offset the boredom aspect.

Sure you should be free to try new things and should look to please your partner. But a truly gratifying sexual experience, in my opinion, is best had in a trusting relationship. True love leads to intimacy which results in amazing sex. Amazing sex is the expression of this intimacy.

 

Won’t my boyfriend be less likely to marry me if we have sex?

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Continuing the theme of sex and dating, I was thinking about one of the most common arguments that older people presented me as to why a girl should save her body for marriage: if the guy gets your body beforehand, he has what he wants without commitment, and will most likely not ask you to marry him.

When I first started dating, I fully believed this idea. As a guy I honestly thought that once I had sex with my girlfriend, a switch would turn in my head and I would no longer love her, I would simply want her body. Sex is a very emotionally connecting part of a relationship so it just made sense that to mess up God’s plan would mess up the relationship.

However, women, this does not seem to hold weight in real life. If a guy is going to respect you and your body and truly loves you, sex will not make a difference in that. Sex is a biological drive that both men and women have (in fact, many women are now openly refuting the myth that men have a stronger drive than women). But its not all there is a to a relationship or to a woman’s value to a man.

While sex is a unique bond that is best made in marriage, it is not the end prize that a guy is looking for. After all, if all he wanted was that couldn’t he just hook up with any attractive girl and save the ones he actually liked to be “just friends” from any ensuing emotional damage?

A guy’s respect and value of a woman is based on much more than sex. At least that’s the way a Christian guy should be. He should see you as a best friend, a companion, someone to pursue life’s dreams with, someone to support him in his endeavors, someone he believes in enough to support their endeavors as well. Sex is a wonderful part of this value, but should by no means be the sum of it.

The danger I see with this viewpoint is that you might start viewing sex as a tool. If I withhold my body from him he will marry me. But now that we’re married I wonder what else I can get him to do for sex. Maybe I should show him I expect flowers and massage before we have sex. Or if he doesn’t help with the dishes he doesn’t get any.

I don’t think a lot of women consciously think it through like this, but I can’t tell you the number of marriages I hear of where this is exactly how it plays out. Some women have made sex such a tool that they will gladly pleasure themselves to reduce their drive when their husband is around, making it even harder for him. In the end these women are hurting themselves as much as their husbands.

So do I agree with “why should he buy the cow when the milk is free”? No. Unless you’re a dairy cow and the only thing you’re good for is milk. Practice abstinence for the right reasons: because it saves your body and your heart for the person you are committed to. Don’t do it out of fear of losing your boyfriend or as a tool to get your way. If he doesn’t value you after sex, he probably didn’t value you before.

 

Why Christian girls are starting to date non-Christian guys?

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Do you know any solid Christian girls who are becoming seriously interested in a non-Christian guy? Does this surprise you or shock you in any way?

There was once a time in my idealistic past where I thought that all “good” Christian girls would automatically eliminate any non-Christian as an option in their dating pursuits. Idealism long gone, I now see Christian girls dating non-Christian guys as quite a possibility and in fact perhaps a growing trend.

In our last two posts we discussed how Christian dating has elevated this idea of abstinence to such a level, making the v-card (technical as it may be) a highly prized possession. While we would not say abstinence till marriage is a bad idea, we are saying playing games with our actions and our words in this area may not be healthy either.

What I’m getting at is this: it seems that very outward signs of Christianity such as not drinking, being a worship major, wearing modest closes, and of course abstinence, have been elevated to such a level as to neglect other perhaps more or equally important areas.

What about the idea of being understanding toward your wife (1 Peter 3:7). Paul talks about loving your wife and not being harsh with her. These ideas of love and understanding make me think that they are talking about empathy: simply understanding a woman’s point of view, thinking through her mindset, and respecting and loving that different view point.

What about the idea of being a leader. We’ve covered significantly the subject of men not being able to be leaders and make decisions and how women struggle with that. Some Christian guys take it too far and become dominant and controlling. This is a much an insecurity and the inability to make decisions.

What about the concept of practicing what you preach? If you’re going to quote scriptures and condemn those heathens who aren’t living according to the Word you better be sure you are living up to those lofty standards.

I could go on. The point is that I see many Christian women struggling to find a good Christian guy who has more than just a few outwardly noticeable morals, a man who realizes that a relationship with his wife means more than just quoting some Scripture and expecting her to submit. Its more than being a worship leader or sending the kids to Christian school. Its a lifestyle of self-sacrifice and joyful servant leadership.

So these girls are looking for that elsewhere. And because of teaching about marriage being a good thing (and it is) and sex before it being a bad thing (once again), these girls are willing to consider non-Christians who seem to get it, even if they may be missing the spiritual aspect.

And certainly Christianity has become an outward shell for many Christian women too, which may have them thinking “if he just goes to church he’s good enough”. If all you want is acceptance in the Christian sub-culture that probably is good enough.

 

 

Double Standards Anyone?

So why would I bring up such a “touchy” subject related to Christian Dating?

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Now, what’s the title of our site? Christian Dating Games. One of the games I think that we play as Christians is pretending that because we uphold some small technicality we are more moral than the rest of our fellow human beings. I’ve seen this in many area of Christianity and I think it’s a crucial reason for the mixed confused mess than many dating couples find themselves in.

On the one hand we play all the hard to get, flirting, teasing, value building games of the rest of society. On the other hand we pretend we have these exceedingly high Christianized morals in our physical lives. But secretly do we really want these moral standards at all? Do we find every way around them because we are sincerely struggling against a terrible sin that is hard to defeat (as most Christian relationship “experts” would tell you)?

Or do we find every way around our morals because we really don’t personally know what we believe? But it seems acceptable in the Christian bubble to speak out against sex and natural desires outside of marriage. So we speak out against it. But secretly try to get around it every chance we have because we don’t personally see the problem in fulfilling natural human desires.

Here’s an example of what I mean. As a kid I often got angry (mostly inside, I was good at not letting it show) at people. In fact, I can remember numerous occasions where I actually wanted the other person to die. Basically (like the verse in the Bible that says he who is angry with his brother commits murder) I wanted to have them murdered.

Sounds terrible. We don’t think of little kids being like this. But they are. However, I realized at a quite young age the consequences of such an action. I was terrified of them. Not only that, I also realized that I wouldn’t want them to kill me if I was angry. It was clear to me that killing was NEVER the answer for anger. And of course I saw this at a later age Biblically.

I think a few people see sex before marriage like this. And even today in college or post-college they still see the dangerous consequences. But most of us don’t. We might have been “brainwashed” by Christian subculture to believe it’s bad. And we might hold certain standards. But honestly deep down inside we really don’t see anything truly dangerous or wrong with it.

So we teach one thing and practice another. Here’s my suggestion. Decide what you believe and stick with it. Stop praising your boyfriends to his face for being such an example of Godly purity when what you really want him to do is make love to you all night long (true story btw).

If you find you don’t really believe typical Christian morals, stop pretending you do or making up games to somehow keep you in the acceptable circle. Remember, owning who you are is perhaps one of the best ways to be more successful in dating. And I think we could all benefit from being less judgmental of those with different standards than ours. People are very perceptive and can tell when you reject them no matter how subtly for having slightly different standards.

Genuine people are much happier, have better relationships, and despite being wrong in some areas, seem to be much easier to live with . . . in my opinion.

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“Sexual immorality is wrong”: by whose definition?

Be warned this is a candid open post that talks about real issues that Christian singles and couples deal with every day. However, if you are uncomfortable with open talk about sex, don’t keep reading (maybe just do the poll below real quick)!

How many times have you heard in Christian circles that sexual immorality or fornication is wrong. This seems absurd to most people outside of Christianity and perhaps is increasingly rare in practice among Christians. However, it would seem that abstinence (of some sort) is still widely taught. What we don’t seem to agree on is what that really is.

Let me give you a few examples. Coming from the Liberty University (Lynchburg, VA) Christian community, I’ve seen how high Christian girls in particular elevate virginity. But what makes a girl a virgin? I once heard a story of a girl who believed that as long as she prayed before sex, and then prayed again afterward (presumably asking God’s forgiveness) that she was still a virgin. She would tell anyone who asked that she was and in her heart she really was.

Here’s another example: a different girl, determined to keep her virginity, concluded in her mind that as long as she didn’t kiss the guy she could have sex with him all she wanted and it wouldn’t actually count as sex. I would presume she felt sex was wrong, or at least undesirable in her circle, but that what really makes true intimacy is kissing along with intercourse. Interest.

Other’s understand that the most technical definition of sex is vaginal intercourse. Thus anal sex, even with numerous partners, is perfectly fine and leaves them technically still virgins. In fact, I’ve heard stories of girls who have had way more partners than the normal sexually active individual, but because they were all anal, felt they were virgins.

I’ve met guys with a different approach to the situation. Its not ok for you to do it. But yeah me and my girlfriend, well that was different. We didn’t really mean to. And we ended up getting married in the end.

What about oral sex? Or how about fingering? What about touching? Where do you draw the line?

Another school of thought is that the line is not so much drawn by physical boundaries but by how much you love someone. If you love someone and are committed to them its ok to express yourself physically.

I’m not here to tell you how to live or to discuss theology. That’s not the point of this blog honestly. And I certainly don’t condemn any Christian for where they draw the line. After all we all make mistakes and the couple who abstains from all sexual contact before marriage may very well have an unkind attitude toward each other that could in the long be as detrimental to the relationship as anything else.

I will say that I’ve talked to some non-Christians, and they say “what’s the difference? If oral sex wasn’t sex it wouldn’t be called oral sex.”

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My boyfriend and I are always fighting . . .

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To begin with you need to start listening. What do I mean by listening? Stop planning what you are going to say next and really think about what the other person is saying. Put yourself in their shoes and think about how you would feel if you were in that same position. Try to see through their lenses (based on their past and their desires for the future).

Once they are done sit back and give yourself some time to process what they said. And then restate in your own words what you think was being said. Summarize the key points of the dispute: “It seems to me that you are saying that we do not communicate enough and that I seem to want to spend time with my friends more than with you.”

This is called restating the problem. They may correct you and don’t get upset if they do. “No I’m not saying that at all!!! I’m saying you don’t know HOW to communicate with me because your too busy with your friends all the time!” Not much different but important in the other person’s eyes. Don’t ever contradict or argue.

Now you need to find some humility. Admit that there is some truth in what they say. Because no matter how perfect you are you can always improve. “I understand where you are coming from. I don’t always pay good attention to you when you talk and I do spend a lot of time with some of my friends.” Even if you feel that there is no truth at all in the accusation try to find something you agree on. “Your right, I could certainly grow in my communication skills and I need the reminder to put you first.”

Also acknowledge their feelings of hurt or anger. Don’t ignore these feelings that they have to you or discredit them. “Is it fair to say that this makes you angry and frustrated with me?”

Once you are on the same page with the offended part of the dispute, you can express your own feelings. You may see the truth that they are presenting but whenever this subject is brought up you shut down because you feel personally attacked. “When you talk to me like this I understand where you are coming from but I feel you have something personally against me and it makes me want to shut down. It’s not that I don’t hear what you are saying but when you raise your voice I feel belittled.”

Sometimes the thing that makes us most angry in a dispute with our significant other is the way they say things. So express how you feel in an understanding way. Acknowledge the truth but also address your feelings.

Finally, you need to ask how you can improve and change what is bothering them. Ask the other person what they would like to see you do differently. “How can I show you that I really want to hear what you are saying? How can I spend more quality time with you and make you feel like you are just as important as my friends are?” Don’t be tempted to simply offer your own solution. If the other person asks you can give you opinion or if they crossed a personal boundary (badmouthing you in front of others for example) you should address that. “I really want to change in those areas you mentioned. If you could take me aside in private instead of badmouthing me to my friends I think I would be more receptive to what you are saying.”

Good luck!

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REAL Men Remain Calm

Ever listened to a guy freak out because things aren’t going his way with a girl? “I just don’t understand why I can’t get a girlfriend!” What? Why do you need one in the first place?

Or how about the guy who freaks out and swears at the video game when he fails or cusses out the TV when his team loses? What about the guy who’s palms are sweaty and knees are knocking as he approaches a girl to ask her out? We’ve all been that guy before I’m sure.

One characteristic of a REAL man that I didn’t put in my 10 points on How to be a Real man or in my Leadership discussion, is he remains calm and collected in all circumstances. The idea is that regardless of whether things go the way he expects or hopes them to or not he will remain in control of his emotions.

Disclaimer: I’m not advocating a jaded, emotionless man. You should know from many of the other posts that feeling and empathizing are essential. Emotionless men are boys who are too scared to admit they have feelings (and often on steroids).

So let’s look at a couple instances of remaining calm. Let’s say that you go out with a girl and while you are out another guy at the bar starts to hit on her. An insecure guy would try to pull her away from the situation. Or he might distract her. Later on he’s let out a rant about that guy being a jerk or a loser and how he couldn’t stand guys who don’t show respect. But the real man remains calm. He realizes the girl went out with him not bar dude. He may lean back in his chair with a chill smile and enjoy the entertainment. After all if the girl leaves him he didn’t lose much. But chances are she won’t and they can both laugh about it later.

Here’s another one. Adult boy’s girlfriend comes to him freaking out about something he did. “You’re not a gentleman; you don’t open my door or pull out my chair. Don’t you see how that other guy is being so much more of a man than you?” Adult boy becomes defensive. “Do you see all I do for you? I bought you that dress you’re wearing and dinner tonight! I put up with eating at this stupid restaurant and suck up to you every chance I get”. To which she responds “exactly, that’s my point, you ‘put up with me’. I don’t want to just be some girl you tolerate!”

You get the point. What does a real man do? He sits back and listens. If it’s something that holds weight he may try a therapeutic dispute resolution technic:

1. restate the problem in your own words
2. agree with the parts that you find true because there is always an element of truth in every accusation
3. express your feelings about the way the subject was approached
4. suggest or ask an appropriate change in action).

However, it could be she has something else underlying the issue (her boss didn’t appreciate her at work, her girlfriend gossiped behind her back) and it has nothing to do with you. If you can calmly determine you’re not in the wrong then just listen. And then move on.

Real men don’t react. They act. Calmly and purposefully.

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How to be a REAL man

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1). Put away the video game controller. This is code for stop wasting time doing antisocial, mind numbing activities that decrease your ability to relate to others. Guys we know that we already struggle with being in the moment and connecting with other people. Video games are not helping.

2). Have a mission and a purpose and pursue it. This is another reason to stop video gaming. Why? A real man has something he is living for. He’s not aimlessly living for cheap thrills and one night stands. That’s a boy trying to compensate in a man’s world. A real man has a plan and lives his life for a purpose (to serve others, to teach something he’s passionate about, to develop an excellent product, to love his family, etc.).

3). Life is not about instant gratification. A real man doesn’t need the crutches of instant gratification but enjoys entertainment and pleasure in moderation. He realizes that it is often worth sacrificing cheap happiness now for great joy later. On the flip side he is not against pleasure but in fact is better able to enjoy it because he values it and understands its proper use. A skilled driver enjoys a sports car much more than a first timer who ends up crashing the car in his excitement.

4). Take initiative and risks. We’ve talked about this before. Be a risk taker. Go up to that girl who is “out of your league” and talk to her. And if she shuts you down do it again (not in a creeper sort of way!). A real man takes a plunge because he can take the fall. He understands economics. Greater risk=greater reward.

5). Be a leader. When everyone else is pandering to each other and unable to make a decision step up. Say “we’re doing this, who wants to go”. Take control of the situation and don’t leave people wondering in the dark. When your girl asks you where you want to eat tell her. Don’t say “I don’t care baby, where do you want to eat.”

6). Make decisions. Action. Not passivity. If a decision has to be made don’t be afraid to make it. Step up and be a man. Don’t be stupid and just randomly choose stuff. Think about it. Pray about it. Weight the options. But make a decision. If it’s an issue you’re not ready to make a decision on (who to marry, whether or not to move to Alaska) than don’t wallow in indecision. Make the decision not to decide and focus on something else. If it’s a decision that must be made now, make it. Except the consequences. Remember take a risk eh?

7). Be strong. If you have values stick to them. If you have standards keep them. If you make a boundary don’t let someone cross it. If you say, “I don’t tolerate whining” and whining occurs than don’t tolerate it. But don’t be a jackass.

8). Empathize. Don’t be so stuck in your own little black and white world. This is not manly. This is insecurity. Look at something from your girls’ perspective or your brothers. And see how you could be wrong. Or maybe you’re not, but from their perspective it appears differently. Be able to connect on an emotional level with a woman. This is an art. Most males can’t do it. Real men can. Without losing their masculinity.

9). The world is not black and white. Ok maybe it is. From God’s view. But you’re not God. And you’re not God’s gift to women. So stop being a boy and forcing your opinions down people’s throats. Stand by your personal standards and values but think outside the box and realize that the rest of the world isn’t you and doesn’t have a responsibility to live your way. But you do.

10). Anticipate success. Not in an arrogant fashion. But with confidence. Be confident that you can be a man that a woman will love. And if you’re not: re-read what I just wrote and become one. Its hard work. But real men work real hard. Get off your ass and grow up.