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Another Perspective on Friends with Benefits


Up until now we discussed the ends and outs of friends with benefits.

We’ve learned how in some ways many of us live friends with benefits lifestyle without really intending to.

We’ve learned how easy it is to fall in love with someone you are physical with and end up getting hurt.

We’ve learned how perhaps the idea isn’t so bad for some because it helps remove expectation.

And we’ve learned that the friendship is what the real benefit to any relationship is. In fact, the “benefits” pale in comparison to any real deep friendship. But they are important. They do draw us closer and are essential to a healthy romantic long-term relationship.

Which leads me to introducing a revolutionary idea. What if marriage was more like friends with benefits? What if the expectations were removed and replaced with a deep close friendship? What if people looked to marry their best friend instead of someone who met a check list?

What if marriage was essentially a really close friendship? With benefits?

This wouldn’t leave out the romance. In fact, the romance could be increased because friends often feel more free to be open about the silly romantic things they like, because they aren’t trying to impress anyone. They just are.

You see so many of us hype up relationships. We watch Hollywood and read Christian marriage material that cause us to think that we need to have this magical falling in love with someone who will be our soul mate for life and meet all our needs. Happily ever after.

I’m not downplaying romance. I’m not trying to suggest that chemistry isn’t important. I’m not saying you can’t fall in love with someone.

But in the long run those things are a part of the relationship but should they define it? Some days you won’t feel romantic. Some days you just won’t have that spark. Sometimes you will find that person annoying.

At the end of the day they can still be your best friend. Regardless of the feelings or lack thereof. And that should be at the core of a successful long term relationship. And yes the benefits are important. They are a part of what makes the relationship work because they require us to be vulnerable and intimate with our partner.

I think it’s time we rethink friends with benefits in a new light. Maybe we could call it:

Best friends. With benefits. For life.

 

 
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Posted by on November 12, 2012 in James

 

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Why we get hurt by Friends with Benefits


Casey and Brandon were best friends with Angie and Chris. They used to go out together the four of them and dance the sunset over the mountains and drink the night away at their favorite bars. They had the inside jokes and the same group of friends.

Casey and Angie used to giggle to each other about their men. What are you going to use your boy toy for tonight? You think he’ll try that?

Chris used to nudge Brandon and ask him how his mistress was treating him. Brandon would laugh and say better than his girlfriend.

Brandon was popular. Everyone knew him and loved his personality. But he was a genuinely nice guy and knew how to charm a lady with more than his body. He was a natural. Likable. Driven. Funny.

Casey had honestly never really liked him. She knew he had the reputation of a player and in fact had once sworn she would never make out with him. He’ll probably give you something, her friends had warned.

The idea of a commitment free relationship blossomed out of their friendship. She was the girl he couldn’t get. He was the guy she couldn’t be attached to. All seemed fair in the world.

But sometimes we spend time together. We go on trips together. We see new sites together. We write a significant part of our life story together. And all the sudden feelings can change. And that touch that once only stimulated your hormones can start tugging at your heart strings.

And it feels weird at first like it shouldn’t be happening. But then . . .

Casey fell for Brandon. She couldn’t help it. He was a genuinely nice guy honestly. And she thought, he really hasn’t been with any (or many) other girls since me. Maybe he feels the same way and is just too shy to admit it. After all he has the reputation of being that guy that will never settle down.

She didn’t blame him for keeping his feelings inside. They went to the beach with a large group and she got sick. He stayed home from the clubs to take care of her. She loved it. He must love her.

He never told her that he was interested. He never changed who he was. He never stopped being who he was. He even flirted with other girls right in front of her. But she grew blind to it and thought for sure the change in her feelings must be mutual.

 

We get hurt by friends with benefits because of two reasons. One is the benefits. This usually happens quickly. If you are easily attached emotionally by being attached physically than you will sooner rather than later find yourself liking your partner. This happens to guys too. Now if the feelings are mutual that can be good. Although it often results in a physical attraction based relationship.

The other reason is the friend’s part. This takes longer to develop. But if you have a solid relationship and you become even close friends by adding benefits to it, you may begin to fall for the other person.

The benefits don’t necessarily make the change in this case. It’s the friendship which was the original benefit of the relationship. See there is this false notion that the benefits in a relationship are all physical. But this is ridiculous, for then what other benefit would there be to marriage?

The benefits of a deep friendship go way beyond physical. And if they are allowed to flourish, one can fall in love. Which can be quite healthy if both people do. Sadly this is rare.

 
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Posted by on October 30, 2012 in James

 

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Getting Physical: All I Want Is Your BODY (4)


She said it just right:
“All I wanna do is love your body
Tonight’s your lucky night, I know you want it” Christina Aguillera

We all have that time when we just want somebody… and not just to cuddle, haha. There’s just something about being physical with somebody. It’s fun. It’s close. It’s intimate.

The reason why it’s fun is that besides being a body, the other person is a soul. They’re not just genitals attached to a body. They also have a soul… which makes them human.

In our sensory saturated society we feel that all we want is release. So much pressure from everywhere… it build up. And we want release. When TV, movies, commercial, music and books talk about sex, it’s hard not to think about it.

What if we play it safe, use protection and enjoy ourselves? The only catch to that is that there’s no condom for the soul. And the soul gets affected.

In a world where bodies are just cells, brought forth by evolution, biological machines well tunned… in that world sex is just to continue the species. Sex doesn’t have meaning… well, nothing does for that matter – outside a subjective experience.

But life’s not like that. Even if we don’t believe, we feel that there’s something else out there. We feel with our heart the reality of other hearts – or souls.

And when you make love to somebody, it’s not just a body, but a soul with a body. That’s why it’s so much fun. That’s why it’s serious.

 

 
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Posted by on October 7, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Getting Physical: For Girls (3)


You’re on the couch, watching a movie and he goes for a move: what do you do? You’re making out, he’s making advances: what do you do?

It’s not a secret that guys will most likely be the first to initiate physical contact. If you’ve been dating for a while, this is no revelation.

Guys give affection for sex and girls give sex for affection.

Love is a verb. Love is a feeling. Love is action. Love is intentionality. Love has many ways of expression.

Gals, whatever you do, do it because you want to. Do it because you want to express a an attitude of the heart with your body. Don’t do it because you’re pressures into it. And do what’s right, at the proper time. Save sex for marriage. That is the propert context to express your love. You’ll be hurt if you do it before. If the physical side of the relationship progresses before your emotional and relational aspect you’re not growing healthy. If you feel like you are emotionally and physically at the point of moving forward – be there at the level of commitment as well.

Love based on feelings but without commitment will not last. Feelings change. People change, principles don’t. Commitments don’t lie – people do.

We are body and souls – develop both sides of you and your relationships – especially the romantic ones.

 
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Posted by on September 27, 2012 in Jack

 

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Getting Physical Part 1


I won’t ask where the lines is. There’s been enough talk about that.

I’d like to talk about what getting physical does, and how that plays into our relationships. It’s no secret: getting physical affects both our body and our souls. It can be a good thing, it can be a bad thing, it certainly is one of the main reason we do get in romantic relationships.

Not being physical attracted is one the most common reason not to get in a relationship. And when you’re attracted and get going… sparks fly. I’m not really interested in talking about how much to hold hands and how far is to far. That’s for another time or perhaps another post.

What I am interested in talking about is how it affects a relationship and how we use it or misuse it. To thrive, every deep meaningful romantic relationship must develop on an intelectual, emotional, social and physical level. When one is a miss, there is misconnection.

It’s also helpful to be growing in all these areas. If two people develop a deep emotional connection but have no physical inclination, we’d call that a platonic relationship. When we get physical, anything from holding hands, to a kiss or making out – that brings the relationships to a whole new level. It changes the way we think about the relationship and the other person. It affects our thoughts and emotions toward them. It moves the relationship in a certain direction…

The point is this: getting physical is an awesome things – it’s also a responsibility. Cherish it, guard it, cultivate it. At the end of the day, we’re not essentially bodies, but souls, souls with bodies.

 
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Posted by on September 20, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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#13 Hold Yourself Well, Body Language: How to talk to Girls Series


Approach is everything. Everything. First impressions are so important. People often make lasting opinions of you in the first two seconds of their interaction with you. Body language is anywhere from 60%-90% of that depending on who you talk to.

Start be holding your chest back and you head high. Look confident. Pretend and until you get it. Fake it till you make it. Don’t slouch. Ever. Walk with confidence and direction. Make and hold eye contact. Don’t back down.

When you are sitting relax. Be poised and in control, not slouching, but be relaxed. You are perfectly comfortable in this situation. In fact, you couldn’t be more at home. Where ever the interaction occurs.

Ultimately you want this to reflect who you really are. But if you’re not quite there yet then try working on it by practicing how a confident comfortable man looks.

Smile. A lot. Genuine smile pull different muscles than fake ones. Even if our conscious brains don’t really notice a difference, our subconscious does and that is often how we get an uneasy feeling about someone who is smiling a lot and seems nice on the surface.

Practice being genuinely happy. Think about what you are thankful for, what you are enjoying about this interaction, the good things that happened to you, how much you love conversation with a beautiful woman, and that will help your smile be more genuine.

 

This is the last post in my series. There is a lot more to be said of course. But there are also more topics we’d like to cover in this blog so we’re going to move on to some other subjects. Practice makes perfect. Get out there and start practicing. Working on all these tips can seem overwhelming. But if you really want to be the kind of man an amazing woman wants . . . be amazing. And that takes hard work. It takes fixing issues in your communication, dressing well, learning how to approach and make good impressions.

 
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Posted by on August 12, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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#12 Don’t talk about negative topics: How to talk to Girls Series


I’ve had the opportunity to observe first hand or here from a girl firsthand how a first date went. One thing that always makes me laugh is guys that spend the entire conversation talking about their life mishaps (not in a funny way but in a complaining depressing way) and about how bad their ex is. I just want to take them aside and shake them. This is not going to win you another date.

Of course, you should be honest about your past. But if anything about any ex come’s up during the conversation, answer it quickly and politely then move on. You don’t need to start that subject early on. If the girl wants to talk about hers that is not your problem. Listen and make a mental note she might not be ready to date.

But when it comes to your ex leave her in the past. And this not only goes for ex’s you don’t like or had terrible break ups with, this goes for the ex who’s still a good friend.  Even if you get along great with your past, your future might not be so keen on hearing the juicy details over a cup of coffee or dinner and wine.

Remember a lot of women are insecure. So bringing up the past can do a couple of things that would hurt your chances of a healthy relationship. One it could make them start comparing themselves and seeing if they match up. Two it could make them worry that you are stuck on the past and can’t get over it. And three it could cause them to wonder if you will talk negatively about them should things not work out between you.

So answer questions quickly and shortly and move on. Or say you’d rather not talk about that on a first date. 

 

#01 Introduction: How to talk to Girls Series

#02 Get out there: How to talk to Girls Series

#03 Talk to people who seem more important than you: How to talk to Girls Series

#04 The three second rule: How to talk to Girls Series

#05 Don’t have expectations:  How to talk to Girls Series

#06 Failure is Feedback: How to talk to Girls Series

#07 Be a happy single man: How to talk to Girls Series

#08 Learn to Listen: How to talk to Girls Series

#09 Ask Questions: How to talk to Girls Series

#10 Talk to her friends: How to talk to Girls series

#11 Pay attention to the guys in the group: How to talk to Girls series

 
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Posted by on August 6, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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#11 Pay attentions to the guys in the group: How to talk to Girls Series


ImageLet’s say you are at the bar and you see a girl you want to talk to. But you feel intimidated because there are three attractive guys sitting at her table with her and another girl as well. You feel certain that one of them is dating her. You get nervous and don’t say anything. Or suppose you are at a dinner party and you notice a girl who happens to be sitting with a couple gentlemen who catches your attention. But you refrain from approaching her because . . . why?

What is it that makes some guys not want to talk to a girl because they see her talking another guy? Certainly there is room for respecting another guy’s friendship and game, but who is to say he’s not “just friends” with her or even her brother?

In situations like this the best thing to do is just be friendly and talk to the guys as much if not more than to the girl. You can observe the way he relates to you to gage his level of interest and extent of investment in the girl. For example, if he begins getting closer, giving you short answers showing a lack of interest, or making obviously possessive statements you can guess he has some sort of interest in her. Maybe ask a friend later if they are together.

However, if he’s just another guy at the party why does he somehow have more of a right or a better change of talking to her than you? Competition is good because it makes us better men. I honestly think some women pit guys against each other to see who will come out the best.

Don’t see other guys as a threat. See them as potential friends, contacts, business partners, and perhaps most importantly your way in to a conversation with the girl you like. And if the girl ends up being with the guy, as long as you are respectful and charming, you’re not going to cause any trouble by talking to her.

#01 Introduction: How to talk to Girls Series

#02 Get out there: How to talk to Girls Series

#03 Talk to people who seem more important than you: How to talk to Girls Series

#04 The three second rule: How to talk to Girls Series

#05 Don’t have expectations:  How to talk to Girls Series

#06 Failure is Feedback: How to talk to Girls Series

#07 Be a happy single man: How to talk to Girls Series

#08 Learn to Listen: How to talk to Girls Series

#09 Ask Questions: How to talk to Girls Series

#10 Talk to her friends: How to talk to Girls series

 
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Posted by on July 31, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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#10 Talk to her friends: How to talk to Girls Series


ImageEver meet that fun beautiful girl who just happens to have an unattractive boring best friend? Some guys call these girls cock-blocks or gatekeepers. There are lots of theories as to why they exist the most popular probably being that beautiful girls like having a less attractive less interesting friend to keep themselves the center of attention.

Regardless of the truth, what should you do in these situations? What if the gatekeeper really is trying to keep you from entering the gate and getting the girl’s number or talking to her one on one? What if she’s actually not that bad she’s just “in your way”?

First of all you need to show that you are interested in both of them. Not romantically. But as human beings. Perhaps you could even begin by paying more attention to the gatekeeper than the girl you are interested in. Learn her likes and dislikes and charm her. You NEED her to like you.

Second, don’t appear threatening. If you are over the top flirtatious or overtly sexual or come across as a complete jerk, these gatekeepers are there to stop you. However, if you are fun and interesting and find common ground with both of them (build rapport); you will have a better chance of getting past.

Third, if you do get the number, invite to hang out, or date, be sure to include the friends (Attractive and fun or not) in future outings. This is important because while you don’t want to become a part of their group (you want to pull the girl into your exciting world not mooch off of hers) you do want to be a welcome visitor.

Finally, if things don’t work out, who knows, not all friends are boring or unattractive. Attractive girls usually have some attractive friends. If nothing happened between you and the girl, there is nothing wrong with dating her friends.

 

#01 Introduction: How to talk to Girls Series

#02 Get out there: How to talk to Girls Series

#03 Talk to people who seem more important than you: How to talk to Girls Series

#04 The three second rule: How to talk to Girls Series

#05 Don’t have expectations:  How to talk to Girls Series

#06 Failure is Feedback: How to talk to Girls Series

#07 Be a happy single man: How to talk to Girls Series

#08 Learn to Listen: How to talk to Girls Series

#09 Ask Questions: How to talk to Girls Series

 
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Posted by on July 27, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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#08 Learn to listen: How to talk to Girls Series


Girls love to laugh as much as we do. If your naturally the center of attention and the funny guy in the group your probably used to making people laugh and having them listen to you. You can probably talk about anything for hours.

Or maybe you’re a story teller. Maybe you have a lot of exciting things you just can’t wait to retell and your close friends actually do enjoy listening to you and your adventures.

Or perhaps you feel passionately about something. Politics, theology, relationships, etc. And you could wax eloquent for hours on your pet theme.

Well guess what, girl you just met probably doesn’t want to hear that for hours on end. I mean gage the situation. If you meet her in the context of you being the center of attention, sure maybe she will enjoy you continuing to hold that position for a bit.

But eventually she wants to talk. About her. And she should. That’s fair. Learn to love it. Learn to love to listen to a woman talk.

We’ve not supposed to be this way unless we’re gay in today’s society. And there is a limit. You don’t want to become her girlfriend for her to bitch to. But you do need to develop the ability to actually listen, not just hear, and actually enjoy it.

How do you do that? A couple things. First of all if she totally bores you she’s probably not for you. Just saying. But sometimes it’s more a matter of perspective. You need to get out of the mindset that what girls think about and talk about is somehow stupid and what guys talk about is somehow intelligent and logical and interesting.

Listening to a girl talk is like entering another world. It’s exciting. I don’t get it sometimes. But it’s fascinating. And they can be funny and interesting and good stories tellers if you let them. They can show you a side of life you never realized existed and its quite a delight. But you have to start with the mindset that what they have to say isn’t stupid.

So let’s say you are sitting at the bar enjoying a good beer and you realize you’ve been talking about yourself a bit too much. Look over to her and say, “you look like you have a pretty exciting life. Why don’t you tell me about it? Make me jealous.” Or your own version of that. Make them feel comfortable and enjoy the conversation.

#01 Introduction: How to talk to Girls Series

#02 Get out there: How to talk to Girls Series

#03 Talk to people who seem more important than you: How to talk to Girls Series

#04 The three second rule: How to talk to Girls Series

#05 Don’t have expectations:  How to talk to Girls Series

#06 Failure is Feedback: How to talk to Girls Series

#07 Be a happy single man: How to talk to Girls Series

 
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Posted by on July 16, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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