Monthly Archives: November 2011

How to get Mr. Right

In brief:

Define Mr. Right. Write it down. Don’t be afraid to have exact things you want in a guy. In fact, review your list at least once a week and add to it or change it as you grow. This will keep you from falling for Mr. Good when you could have Mr. Great. After all being good at something is often the greatest thing keeping us from being great. And if you don’t know what you want, please don’t start a serious marriage kind of relationship till you find out. Just date around. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as you are honest.

Stop trying to get him. Counterintuitive? I’m sure you’ve heard a story of the girl who is so thankful she didn’t stop trying to find the right guy because eventually she got him. But here’s the point I’m making. If you are so worried about meeting the right guy and getting your life fulfilled by him, you will emanate insecurity, neediness, and lack personal growth. Instead focus on being the woman you want to be. Don’t be so worried about finding the right guy. He will naturally be attracted to you if you are working to become attractive. Not just for him but for yourself. The more satisfied you are with yourself and happy you are without a man, the more likely you are to simply attract the right man without even trying.

Go where Mr. Right type guys go. Now remember you not trying to get Mr. Right. You’re just trying to shine in those areas where he is apt to be. You’re not going to hang out with guys who like to video game if you want a lawyer for a husband. You’re not going to go to bars if you want a pastor. Pretty straight forward. Go where the fish are for the best fishing. But don’t look for a tuna in a gold fish bowl.

On a side note (combining the first few points) cultivate characteristics that will attract the type of guy you want to marry. If I want an independent career woman, than learning to be a good house wife is probably not going to attract me. And if that is what you really want (to be a house wife) you might should re-think your definition of Mr. Right.

Cultivate genuine interest. Here’s where it gets tricky. Being too interested appears needy and being too coy makes it look like you are just playing games. These types of situations inspired the name of this blog; after all dating is a sort of game. Ultimately you want to be genuinely interested. Guard how much of your being you let show at first but if you are merely interested because of sexual appeal, desire for a relationship, or status, you will soon find that the rest of what really makes up this guy will annoy you.

Demonstrate value. This is an indispensable point for both men and women. Once again, be higher value don’t just demonstrate it. How do you do this? If you like the worship leader type guys show that you know a thing or two about worship leading, if you enjoy athletes pay attention to the intricacies of their game and show that you actually know what you are talking about. But don’t just show interest in their interests. You need to have your own. And you need other interests besides this guy. In other words stay busy. Have a life. And slowly integrate him into it. If you really have become the amazing woman he would love to have, shouldn’t you be worth a little work for him to get? Don’t say yes every time he asks to hang out. Don’t be anxiously waiting by the phone for him to call. Get a life!

Be the best friend but beware of the friend zone. Relationships are leaning more and more toward companionship. People want romance but they also realize that real life is more about companionship than white horses and princes. I think this is harder for Christian girls because marriage is so hyped up in our subculture (partly because of the emphasis on waiting for sex, which is good). So become the guy’s best friend but keep away from that fine line of become just a sister. You need to keep flirting and avoid buddy activities like hanging out in the basement with seven of his guy friends and talking about sports. A word of caution though, don’t take this too far, some guys want their girl to be comfortable with the boys and love having her along during guy time.

Be Mrs. Right. Think about all the amazing things you want your guy to be. And think about what an attractive, hardworking, romantic, understanding, loving, Godly guy he is. Don’t you think such a man deserves a similar woman? Work out. Eat right. Work hard at your job or college degree. Be fun and romantic. Read books on being a better wife/girlfriend. Learn how to respect and love a guy. Read what Jesus says about loving one another. Start this now. It’s harder when you’re already in the relationship.

Play for the long run. Once you think you have met the guy of your dreams and are headed toward a relationship, you must be on your guard for letting down your game. Certainly we all want to be love and accepted for who we are. And a guy should feel that way. But if you put on your best for him the first few months and then slowly slack off, he might leave you on the twelfth month saddened that you didn’t turn out to be the girl he thought you were. Always be your best self. Don’t put on a show. Be. This goes for your whole life.

If you have any questions please email me I’m not an expert but I think I know from experience a few things that work and a few that don’t. Let’s talk!


Posted by on November 29, 2011 in James


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Thanksgiving in Relationships

Thanksgiving is always filled with activities. There are lots of customs, lots of relatives coming over, lots of food and lots of shopping. This week is busy. Relationships are busy. We try to catch up with uncles, cousins, friends… you name it. We’re maintaing relationships.

In the midst of all this, I think there is an important lesson…

Life is a busy avenue as well. We do a lot of things, we meet people, we have jobs, school, errands. Life is busy, and as they say it will get only busier. In the midst of this business thought, I hope that we find the time to value relationships. There is a lot to be thankful for. Looking back at the year past, how many things went right? How many friends filled your life with joy, even if just for a little bit?

Dating is not just about finding the right one and living happily ever after – it’s about living happily ever after and finding the right one.

If we learn to be thankful for what we experience in a relationship, for the lessons we learn about life, about ourselves, about the opposite sex- I think we’re on to something. I think we’ll learn to live a fulfilled life. And in the midst of all this, a healthy relationships can grow.

Having a special somebody by our side is definitely a prize. We’re all looking forward to that, and that’s why we’re writing this blog. But those that we have right now besides us – family and friends – they are a prize as well.

Let’s be thankful for the relationships that we have, for the experiences we have, and let’s learn to live a satisfied, happy life. And in the midst of this, let’s build healthy romantic relationships.

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Posted by on November 25, 2011 in Jack


What is this blog all about?

Start here.

Some of you may have seen the posters up and are visiting here for the first time. Or you may have just stumbled upon this website hoping for some help in your relationships. I’m sure many of you are wondering, how are we going to fix your relationships? Or help you meet girls? You may have come here hoping for a quick fix or one article that sums up the entire game.

This is not a quick fix. This website is about lifestyle change that will not happen overnight. It’s about becoming the best so that you can get the best not by trickery or false social proof (i.e. money) but by truly deserving it.

You see when I was in college I came with a lot of presuppositions about dating and relationships. And I really had no clue how the real world worked. I learned the hard way. Through trial and error (lots of trials and innumerable errors). I laugh now looking at who I was back then. How dependent I was and how unattractive the lifestyle I lived would be to any girl.

You’re not going to get Angelina Jolie with a few well planned tricks and manipulation. She’s seen that a million times and probably can play the game better than you’ll ever play it.

And you’re not going to have your knight in shining armor come riding over the mountain on a white horse by reading a couple of blog posts on how men think and how to meet Mr. Right.

It’s going to take work. And lots of reading. Read all our articles. Ask us questions. Read other people’s articles and books. Become the best you can be from the inside out.

Ask us personal anonymous questions:

Follow us on Twitter:!/datingames

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Happy dating!

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Posted by on November 21, 2011 in James


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How to NOT get screwed

Would you say that as a woman on of your biggest fears is being rejected once you’ve put your heart into a relationship? What about as a guy, would it be fair to say the reason you don’t talk to a girl is because you are afraid of being turned down?

These seem on the surface to be legitimate fears. We’ve created rational in our mind for why they make sense. If I get turned down by Becky than her friends will hear about it and I will be humiliated. If Anthony rejects me, then I’ll be humiliated and hurt and I don’t know if I want to go through that again. If Marisa doesn’t go out with me I think my confidence will plummet even further.

Remember what I told you in rule one? About expectations? Part of never getting screwed has a lot more to do with your mindset than with your actual circumstances. Remember how we established early on that innate happiness was the key to the entire world of dating. If not you will constantly come across as desperate and unfulfilled, you will be so wrapped up in outcomes that you will not be able to enjoy the moment, and you will never really be satisfied in life.

So practically how does this work? How do you keep yourself from rejection?

First change your mindset. Tell yourself that rejection and failure do not exist. The only possible response that you can get is feedback on how you did well or could improve. This is the number one key. To illustrate let me tell you a story.

Not too long ago I approached a group of four girls. They were young, quite attractive, and didn’t seem to need a guy to entertain themselves. This self-created joy was appealing and drew me into their conversation. I made a few small talk remarks and then began teasing them on whatever I could find to make fun of. It turned out they went to a school nearby which had a reputation for being lesbian friendly. This brought up some interesting and comical banter which also allowed me to realize two things, they were straight and they were single. All was good so far. However, when I tried to continue the conversation at a future date by getting a number they laughed. One girl in particular said that I was trying too hard and pointed out one of my jokes that she felt was desperate sounding.

Now I had established beforehand in my mind that I was just going to have fun. I wasn’t there to pick up a girl or get a date. I was simply going to enjoy laughing and conversing with four people I’d never met before. Without this mindset I likely would have felt the sting of rejection. I might have felt like I failed. I might have lost my confidence that evening and stopped talking to women. Instead I had a great time. Got a good laugh out of the story. And learned a valuable lesson. Some of my jokes just aren’t funny.  And I’m totally ok with that.

We’ll talk about the other ways you can protect yourself from being screwed in the future. But for the next few days I want you to practice changing your mindset. Whenever something doesn’t go the way you might have wanted it to go review the circumstances in your mind. Look for feedback in the interaction. Look at it as a challenge. Failing is fun not painful.

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Posted by on November 19, 2011 in James


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Prince Charming came… and she wasn’t ready.

This happens and it’s not pretty. I wish it didn’t – that’s why I’m writing this post. I hope it’s not you or your friend that this happens to.

For some reason or another, there is this concept in evangelical circles that girls are supposed to “pray and wait” for the right guy to come along, and when he does, get married.

The fairy tale stories goes something like this…

  • be a good girl
  • go to college or something similar
  • pray for the right guy
  • keep growing and do the things you like to do
  • don’t play with dating, and of course don’t fool around.
  • be patient

with the desired expected conclusion

  • in good timing it’ll happen:
    • you will meet the guy of your dreams
    • he will be everything you wanted and more
    • he will be taller than the last guy who asked you out
    • he has a superb track record
    • is able to provide
    • is spiritually mature
    • he’s crazy about you
    • he wants to marry you.

Let’s be honest- we all thought like this at one point or at least know somebody who does. It’s been popularized in books like “I kissed dating goodbye” or others one like it. And it’s not a bad idea… in theory. It could even happen to you. The one thing that we miss is all the hard work that goes into it.

Fairy tales can happen, if you want to work hard to make them happen. Things turning out good in this world, is a lot of work. Whether you start a business, a book or a relationship- you’ve gotta put good work to make it happen. And here is where a lot of people fall short: they would like the fairy tale to just happen, because they are special, or because God is good. God is good, all the time however, this doesn’t mean that He will give you the best marriage ever… just because you pray. He might give it to you- with a lot of work.

The challenge is the starting point: how good do you think you are? With most good kids who follow the formula above, they think they’re pretty good. This being said,they expect that God will give them a good partner. Truth is that God does want to give us good things, but He also know how far form perfect we are- and most times we don’t. So when we have to work hard to get a good date, or to make a relationship happen- we wonder if it’s the right one. We are facing who we are – not who we think we are- but who we really are interacting in a relationship. And for most people, it’s not a pretty sight because often we don’t know how imperfect we are – and relationships really bring it out.

Instead of waiting an praying for the guy or girl of our dreams- I say we start developing who we are as a person, learn to do relationship by going on a few dates, learning to talk to the opposite sex, engaging and socializing. These are just the first steps in giving us a chance for a good relationship. The first things among these, is character development of course.

Let’s not miss amazing partners by  merely waiting. Let’s make these awesome relationships happen by being proactive and taking steps toward them.

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Posted by on November 16, 2011 in Jack


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In your weakness be made strong.

Remember what I talked about naturals? How they just seem to have it all together naturally and that it doesn’t take any effort? I laugh sometimes when I hear guys say things like “Oh that’s just not me. I’m not that good with women. I could never get [insert beautiful, blonde, smart, intimidating girl here] to go out with me. I’m not [insert self-defeating label here] enough for her.”

It makes me laugh not because I want to make fun of these guys but because it’s so opposite of what is true. And by saying those things their creating a self-perpetuating, self-defeating habit.

Remember this statement: Your shortcomings and weaknesses are completely dependent on the power that you give them.

This is a basic self-help principle. The effects of the seemingly negative aspects of our personality are totally up to us. Suppose you are somewhat nerdy guy. You like writing blogs (i.e. myself), talking about philosophy, and reading books. You never really got into sports and probably couldn’t tell the difference between a rifle and a shotgun. You don’t really like to party and if you do socialize its normally one on one over coffee and some deep debate.

I have a challenge for you. Find out what you love. What motivates you and excites you. Become an expert at it. Love it. Be excited about it. Make it interesting because, well it is interesting to you! That’s the key, own what you love.Your first thought might be, “either I can be myself and stay single or maybe get a desperate ring-by-spring girl if I’m lucky, or I can forsake who I am and totally be someone different; but there is no way this is going to work.”

Now rather than going out and trying to impress a girl by asking her out to dinner at Olive Garden or taking her to a movie try this: Invite her into your world. The world you love. Where you are most comfortable and most yourself. Be as confident in demonstrating the value of your world to her as you would to another one of your nerdy friends.

Think about it. When someone is enthusiastic and knowledgeable and charismatic about something, even if it’s something you normally don’t care about, the spirit rubs off and you feel good. You know why I think most guys hate shopping with girls? Because girls don’t do it because they are experts at what they are doing and enthusiastic about their finds. Most girls shop because society says to fit in you have to look a certain way and dress a certain way. And so sometimes it almost feels like your freedom is taken away from you trying to please society. Am I right ladies or totally missing the point?

I’ve had the fun experience of shopping with a girl who simply owned shopping. She knew what went with what and where to get the best deals and unique fashions. And I had a great time doing something I NEVER do on my own.

So let’s take Paul’s Biblical principle and apply it to our relationships. Find your supposed weaknesses and make them your best attributes. This might mean dropping a few things (i.e. video games, I mean come on guys). But it might simply mean just being confident in what you already love, and taking that girl into an entirely new and exciting world where you are the master.

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Posted by on November 12, 2011 in James


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Girls: The Chase Goes Both Ways

 I think in Christian/evangelical communities there is this idea: “the guy is the initiator.”

This is a good idea- it really is. For the most part however, I think girls over do it. What I mean by that is that they think they’re supposed to only “wait and pray” and God and the boy will work things out. I’ve had this discussion one too many times with my female friends, with not much avail. It seems to be a given: guys are supposed to initiate and the girl is supposed to respond… These are principles from the Bible  and they are good. I think God is an initiator, He initiates a relationship with us and we respond, and to that end, men should do the same. It’s also said that “the man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” For a guy to leave his family, he must be pursuing a new one and that starts with his pursuing his future wife.

So guys chase. To a certain extent it’s even natural. But what happens next?

You see… many girls have never thought after that. They assume it’s plug and play, things will work out… the guy will continue the chasing. Some of my friends think the chase will go for the rest of their lives. Well, that would be nice, but we don’t leave in fairy tales. In the real world, it hardly ever works out like that. And I don’t think it’s supposed to.

So many times people approach relationship from the point of view:  “I gotta weed out the bad options” or “I don’t think there’s a good fit here” and they play the game, the date, the relationship quite defensive. It’s like asking “are you good enough to make it through my gauntlet”. And granted, there should be one. In the end, you’ll end up with one.

But interestingly enough, I’ve noticed that people who approach dating and relationships with this mindset forget to play offensive. What I mean by that is that they are so worried with being chased by the right person that they forget to chase back. Or the play so hard to get that they guys gets exhausted. Not fun.

Relationships are a two way street- all relationships are. IF you want to be chased, you gotta chase at some point. If you want somebody intentional toward you, you have to be intentional back. It’s just the way life works. It’s how healthy relationships work.

I’ve seen couples who do the chasing back and forth: it’s an intentional relationship. It’s intentional in getting to know the other persona and it’s intentionally in getting to be known. It’s given and take, and it’s refreshing for both partners.

To be loved is to be known. Everybody wants to be loved and everybody wants to be know- and that starts with chasing.


Posted by on November 10, 2011 in Jack


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