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#05 Don’t have expectations: How to talk to Girls Series


ImageWhen you go to talk to a girl that you like one of the problems we have is that we get all these fantasies about being her boyfriend and dating her and all, that we psych ourselves out. Girls do this too. They get all dreamy eyed and start talking about this guy as if they were dating, when in reality they’ve hardly met him.

Expectations kill your ability to act natural. They make you feel awkward and take away confidence. We have this problem of expecting something to happen rather than enjoying the moment.

This can go both ways: on the one hand we might expect that things won’t go well. We might think this girl is way out of our league so how could she like to talk to me. She couldn’t be really interested in me so why waste my time. Look at her she has style and class, and my hair looks stupid today. And look at all the other guys talking to her. She probably has lots of options.

We set ourselves up for failure by thinking through things too much. We really don’t know if any of that is true. For all we really know she might be dying for you to talk to her but is too shy to initiate the conversation.

The other way this can go is setting up expectations of success too high. Or maybe we just aren’t defining success correctly. Success is talking to the girl, having a good time, meeting someone new, having a good story to tell. Success is not getting her number (eventually you need some of those but don’t worry about it now). Success is not taking her home, getting a girlfriend, falling in love, impressing your buddies.

I often tell people if they can remember one thing about meeting girls (or guys) is don’t have expectations. And this goes on into the relationships should one develop down the road: even marriage. But read our other posts to learn more about that. Expectations kill relationships bro. Seriously. 

 

Read more!

#01 Introduction: How to talk to Girls Series

#02 Get out there: How to talk to Girls Series

#03 Talk to people who seem more important than you: How to talk to Girls Series

#04 The three second rule: How to talk to Girls Series

 
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Posted by on June 28, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Expectations: the silent killer.


Princesses. White churches. Cherry blossoms.

Every since she was a little girl, she wanted her wedding day to look a certain way… Roses. Champaign. Slow dancing.

Every time she saw a wedding, she got more ideas of how her weeding should be.

Weddings are just one example of how we model expectations…. often by osmosis. We see a cute couple and decide that our life will be like that. We hear a romantic line and decide we’re going to be better. From real life examples to magazines, cartoons, cereals ads and museum painting- each element ads another expectations to what we want our relationships to be like.

Where do you add that in Christian thought, marriage is a “for-life” deal, so whatever deal you make, you better make the best one you can. No pressure. But really, make the best deal you can. And all this from afar- because as soon as you’ve had coffee you’re on a count-down to either rejection or an exclusive relationships.

I’m being a bit sarcastic here…. but let’s be hones: how many times have you not seen this happen? Our expectations, coupled with the exclusivity of marriage make dating relationships incredibly hard. 

So what about expectations makes them so dangerous? Most commonly, the fact that they are silent. They’ve been silent for a while, even subconscious. Some of us may be more vocal about them with our friends, but for the most part they go under the radar, unnoticed, unchecked.

I’ve this scenario one too many times in my life or the lives of my friends: things are going well, the day is unfolding and then snap- something happens. The other person doesn’t know what exactly it was, but something happened, and it killed the mood, the night, the relationship. And often, the other person doesn’t even know what hit them. Sometimes even we don’t know what hit us… we just know that we couldn’t see ourselves with somebody like that.

Expectations are relationship killers because they are silent. They go unsaid, yet wanted. 

And when we dont’ get what we want, we’re not happy campers. The problem is that we never said what we wanted. Often we can’t even name what we want, it’s kinda there – as they say:”you’ll know it when you see it”.

This kind of approach is not healthy. It’s magical, it’s romantic, but it’s not mature. If we are to embark in long-term relationships, we have to employ a better technique than “finding a soul mate that is my other half and makes me happy”.  A mature relationships would require talking about what we want, processing through our life history, our culture and our desires. Expressing our expectations is a grown-up way to go about it. Some of them may be legit, some may not. But either way, the other person can’t meet some of them or address other, until you talk about them.

So do the hard work of figuring out what your expectations are. Work through your history, figure out what has defined them for so long. As you work through that, look for somebody who can meet them and who knows them.

After all, to be loved is not just to be know, but to be know and loved as you are.

 
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Posted by on March 15, 2012 in Jack

 

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