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Controlling boyfriends (part 2): insecurity


I remember once having this girl friend. I felt as if I had to constantly keep tabs on her. I was a boy. Not a man. I texted her constantly. Called her incessantly. Chatted with her while in class. Asked her what she did pretty much all the time. Yes I even stalked her once or twice. I could tell you some funny stories. . . .

The point was I was controlling. Why? Because of one simple fact: I was an insecure boy inside. I had to control my environment in every way because if everything didn’t go according to plan I’d have a melt down! People who know me now might laugh, but I’m not lying.

This is the second reason I think we guys get controlling. We are really just insecure. Maybe we have a somewhat legitimate reason: we’ve been screwed before. Two quick points: this girl is not your ex-girlfriend, and if she is the one who screwed you, why are you still with her? If you’re willing to take the risk she must be worth it so stop worrying, if not walk!

I know it’s easier said than done. But sometimes for our own good (yes I’m talking about putting yourself first, before you can give to someone else you have to fill yourself) you have to walk away from a lot of good memories. But even more important you need to find your value in something other than a great girlfriend that does whatever you want her to.

Now some of us are not insecure because of anything to do with the woman we are dating. We look at other guys and think: he gets more girls because he has better abs, and he gets more girls because he has a nicer car, and he gets more girls because he had a bigger . . . These are often deep rooted insecurities that go back to childhood issues. We need to deal with these before we are capable of having healthy relationships.

When a girl feels crowed and controlled by you, especially for no reason, she will begin to feel insecure. She may look for freedom and wish to escape. All the sudden that guy with swag and style and perhaps a bit lower standards than your own look really appealing. And you’ll be left alone, confirming your fears and reinstating your insecurities.

This is why controlling is so unattractive: the number one reason a lot of young people are scared of commitment is that they don’t want to lose their freedom. I don’t want to lose mine. Why would my girl be any different? And for some petting insecurity of mine? Pathetic? Perhaps, but I’ve been there myself and I know it takes years to deal with.

Up next: how to deal with controlling habits.

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Posted by on March 8, 2012 in James

 

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This is all great . . . but isn’t this just for guys?


So I realized that the majority of our posts were geared towards guys. I guess as a male myself I more easily can relate to the challenges of the dating world that mess up so many guys. However, dating can be quite complicated for both sexes and this blog is certainly not intended to be for guys only. The game is not limited to just guys at all.

It would seem in fact that innately many girls know these things by intuition. And many guys who may actually be a great match for a girl they are interested in blow it simply because they don’t have that intuitive understanding of a woman that she has of him. This makes him appear to lack confidence and purpose and therefore decimates his otherwise attractive personality.

How many girls out there have met guys who just did not connect with you on an emotional level? They may have the swagger, the money, the looks (whatever we erroneously believe will attract a woman) and yet without that emotional connection where you feel like he “just gets” you, that spark of attraction can’t really happen.

This blog is for you. It’s to help the guys in your life understand you. It’s a place for you to voice your opinion and understand how guys think. It’s a place to ask questions and offer advice.

Remember we talked about being in state and on being a natural? This applies to women as well. Equally. When you approach a guy (or he approaches you) are you trying too hard to sell yourself? Are you thinking constantly about how you look or what you are saying? Do you say things to try to prove that you’re a great catch?

For a confident guy this is a huge turn off. He wants someone who is sure of herself without having to prove it by telling him. Remember guys are visual. They want to see that you are amazing, not here about it. And don’t forget what I said about the game not solving your problems. This applies to women as much as men. If you are insecure learning how to interact with guys is not going to change that insecurity. Security must always come from within.

Another way that girls often go “out of state” is by trying too hard to play the game (i.e. purposely not responding to phone calls, blowing guys off, acting disinterested when they really are). Certainly, having high standards and holding to them is a must for attracting the right guy. But a confident emotionally connected guy can see through games very quickly. He will either play them back at you or leave you for someone real. So use games with caution.

And don’t confuse “games” with “the game”. The game is the rules which govern attraction in play in real life relationships. Social proof. Confidence. Emotional connections. Etc (see “Why We Play Games“). Games are for high school. They are immature and a waste of time. A guy who falls for them is weak and girl who plays them insecure.

Ask us any questions. Really Anything.

christiandatingames@yahoo.com

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Posted by on November 1, 2011 in James

 

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