Getting Physical: For Girls (3)

You’re on the couch, watching a movie and he goes for a move: what do you do? You’re making out, he’s making advances: what do you do?

It’s not a secret that guys will most likely be the first to initiate physical contact. If you’ve been dating for a while, this is no revelation.

Guys give affection for sex and girls give sex for affection.

Love is a verb. Love is a feeling. Love is action. Love is intentionality. Love has many ways of expression.

Gals, whatever you do, do it because you want to. Do it because you want to express a an attitude of the heart with your body. Don’t do it because you’re pressures into it. And do what’s right, at the proper time. Save sex for marriage. That is the propert context to express your love. You’ll be hurt if you do it before. If the physical side of the relationship progresses before your emotional and relational aspect you’re not growing healthy. If you feel like you are emotionally and physically at the point of moving forward – be there at the level of commitment as well.

Love based on feelings but without commitment will not last. Feelings change. People change, principles don’t. Commitments don’t lie – people do.

We are body and souls – develop both sides of you and your relationships – especially the romantic ones.

 

Getting Physical: For Men (Part 2)

Let’s be honest: any heathy young guy with a hot girl in his lap has one thing on his mind. It’s how we’re wired.

We can’t help but to react to beauty, to the suave side of the feminine nature. Like many other things in life, it comes this comes naturally, and it’s only highten by physical touch.

We are men, we love to do things, new things, exciting things. Sex is one of those things. Physical touch is the path that leads to that. However far along the path you might have gotten, let’s be honest – that’s where the path leads. It’s how it was meant to be. You might start with a gentle stroke, holding hands, kissing, french kissing, heavy stroke and so forth and so on. Wherever you choose to stop as a guy, you know that’s not to the last stop. You might hold the line until you are married, which is honorable. It’s how it ought to be. But physical touch leads toward that, and it’s a clue…

It’s a clue for us guys. It points toward the fact that a relationship is progressive, it’s growing, it evolves. A wise man would know that this is only one side of the relationship. There is also friendship, the social aspect, the intellectual aspect and even the spiritual aspect. All these are area in which a healthy relationships must grow. When a romantic relationship grows in all these areas, the two become one.

It’s a clue about community. It’s a clue about how we should do relationships. If the bodies become one, so should the souls. If desire drives the bodies to be closer, its pointing towards the fact that the hearts should be close as well.

Being physical with a girl is a gift from the Creator. It should be enjoyed at it’s proper time and it should culminate at marriage – as the rest of the relationships. And then you have only began the journey… of the two becoming one.

 

 

Expectations: the silent killer.

Princesses. White churches. Cherry blossoms.

Every since she was a little girl, she wanted her wedding day to look a certain way… Roses. Champaign. Slow dancing.

Every time she saw a wedding, she got more ideas of how her weeding should be.

Weddings are just one example of how we model expectations…. often by osmosis. We see a cute couple and decide that our life will be like that. We hear a romantic line and decide we’re going to be better. From real life examples to magazines, cartoons, cereals ads and museum painting- each element ads another expectations to what we want our relationships to be like.

Where do you add that in Christian thought, marriage is a “for-life” deal, so whatever deal you make, you better make the best one you can. No pressure. But really, make the best deal you can. And all this from afar- because as soon as you’ve had coffee you’re on a count-down to either rejection or an exclusive relationships.

I’m being a bit sarcastic here…. but let’s be hones: how many times have you not seen this happen? Our expectations, coupled with the exclusivity of marriage make dating relationships incredibly hard. 

So what about expectations makes them so dangerous? Most commonly, the fact that they are silent. They’ve been silent for a while, even subconscious. Some of us may be more vocal about them with our friends, but for the most part they go under the radar, unnoticed, unchecked.

I’ve this scenario one too many times in my life or the lives of my friends: things are going well, the day is unfolding and then snap- something happens. The other person doesn’t know what exactly it was, but something happened, and it killed the mood, the night, the relationship. And often, the other person doesn’t even know what hit them. Sometimes even we don’t know what hit us… we just know that we couldn’t see ourselves with somebody like that.

Expectations are relationship killers because they are silent. They go unsaid, yet wanted. 

And when we dont’ get what we want, we’re not happy campers. The problem is that we never said what we wanted. Often we can’t even name what we want, it’s kinda there – as they say:”you’ll know it when you see it”.

This kind of approach is not healthy. It’s magical, it’s romantic, but it’s not mature. If we are to embark in long-term relationships, we have to employ a better technique than “finding a soul mate that is my other half and makes me happy”.  A mature relationships would require talking about what we want, processing through our life history, our culture and our desires. Expressing our expectations is a grown-up way to go about it. Some of them may be legit, some may not. But either way, the other person can’t meet some of them or address other, until you talk about them.

So do the hard work of figuring out what your expectations are. Work through your history, figure out what has defined them for so long. As you work through that, look for somebody who can meet them and who knows them.

After all, to be loved is not just to be know, but to be know and loved as you are.

 

Learning by Doing: Practice Makes Perfect

Have you ever been good at anything from day 1? How many skills that you have now did you always have? And how many did you acquire?

Being good at relationships is a skill that is acquired. 

By doing relationship.

You get good at relationships, by being involved in relationships.

As Christians, we are often afraid of failure. We don’t want to do what’s wrong, we don’t want to mess up. Sometimes we would rather not do something, than do it and fail at it. This mentality often pervades evangelicals. And it inhibits us to do relationships.

“I want my first boyfriend to be my husband”. Great desire, hardly the case. We’ve hear people say that. Straight shot, getting it right from the begging. I’m not saying it can’t be done. I’m saying that we’re not naturally good at it. We learn by practice, we learn by doing. It’s the same with relationships. We learn how to interact with women by having friends who are girls, by spending time doing what they want, seeing the world from their perspective.

Thinking emotionally

It doesn’t come natural for most guys. You’ll have to learn how to think through the prism of emotions. It’s taking other people’s emotions into account. Guys are so factual, they usually don’t pick up on all these relational clues. Emotions is information. If you miss an emotional communication, you’ve missed part of what was being communicated. Guys have to learn to gather that information and process is effectively, thus being an emotional mature person. Emotionally savvy individuals do better in life and business. Oh, an relationships of course.

Thinking factually

Don’t mean to throw blanket statements over there, but some girls may be so overwhelmed by emotions that they are not reasonable. There’s many reasons  why that could happen, yet the same effect- not being reasonable. Knowing how to handle’s one emotions is also part of emotional intelligence. Learning coping skills will make for a better partner.

What I’m trying to say is that we shouldn’t have this expectation that life will just work out. Sometimes it doesn’t and this is not a reflection of your character of choices. It just is. What we can do, is choose a response and choose to grow in maturity. Don’t hope to be good at relationship -become good at relationships. Become by doing. And if you find out that you’re not as good as your thought you were, well, count it as a blessings. It’s a lesson that you can learn to become better.

 

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Being “hot” 2 of 2

So I was in preventive class today for well you know… preventive driving, and there was this other guy there. He was in for aggressive driving, doing 102 in 55. He also had a Lamborghini. After talking for a little bit, I asked him how much of those was, and he casually said something like “I don’t know… about 250”. Yeah, and I’ll never play in that league I thought to myself. Anyways, we talked for a little more and I had to say: “that must be such a chick magnet”. “Not as much as you’d think”, he answered. “I get more guys checking it out, yeah, haha, guys and kids”.

Now this is very interesting. From a guy’s perspective, that is like the ultimate sign of power: I’ve got money, I’ve got guts, and I’ve got style. What more could a girl want, right? Well, there’s a little more the girl side of the story.

Even though every girl would want to drive in one of those, that is just half of being “hot”. The other half is the confidence that comes with it. Being hot is about being desirable for the other person and remember, attraction is not a choice.

Emotionally Hot Guys

What girls want besides a super nice car and a lot of confidence, is somebody who can handle them. Somebody who will know what to say to sweep them of their feet, somebody who can be adventurous yet sensible. A lot of guys out there can buy the nice clothes, spray some Giorgio Armani and drive a fast car. It takes a lot of work to get to the other level, of being emotionally mature, expressive and connected. Yes, girls want the adventure, but they want the shared adventure. That is something that the macho guy will not be able to provide in a relationships.

Somebody who is confident, yet kind and interesting with a good sense of humor is so hot because a relationship with somebody like that would be amazing. Besides the physical part, it would be a blast to spend time with such a guy. Learn to be that guy.

Emotionally Hot Girls

For a lot of guys, what does the trick is a short skirt and a tight tank top. It really does, because men are such visual creatures. That however, will not translate into a healthy relationship. Every guy wants somebody who looks attractive, again- because we are such visual creatures. But the emotionally mature, confident, sweet and funny guy will want something more than an intense make-out session. He will want to share his adventures with somebody who can appreciate it, who can understand it and enjoy it.

An emotionally hot girl is one who can understand what the guys is feeling and come along-side, join the fun. Not because she’s insecure or because he will complete her or because he has been prince charming she has been waiting for. A hot mature guys would want to spend his time with a girl who is confident in herself and wants to join the party, the adventure, the journey. They would want a companion that comes not because she needs the adventure, but because she can enhance it.

Conclusion

At the end of the day, being hot an attractive is much more than being like runway models. What we want is not just somebody to have sex with, but share our life with. We want somebody mature, strong, caring and comfortable in their own skin. If you’re enjoying the life you live, you want to share it with somebody else.

Being hot is about learning how to be desirable for the other person, both physically and emotionally- because we have a body and a soul. Don’t be concerned just about the body, chiseling those curves and don’t be just about the soul, praying and reading books all the time. Learn to do both, learn to do them well – because you have both a body and a soul.

Be that kind of person that other want to spend time with, that are enjoyable company. Be like a birthday present for your future spouse: nicely wrapped with great content inside.

 

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Being “hot” 1 of 2

Does being “hot” matter? How does one get to be like that? Proverbs speaks of “charm” as being deceitful. How does it add up?

From a guy’s perspective, beauty matters. Asking if a girl is cute or hot is one of the main questions. Should it be like that? That’s another discussion. The fact of the matter is that this is how guys think. I’ve talked to quite a few girls who think the same about guys.

When we look at somebody, anyobody, we start from the exterior, we start from what we can see. We make a first impression, and we continue our assessment from that. How many times have you said: “all I need to make up my mind is a good look and 2 minutes of conversation”?

How we look matters, and how we carry ourselves matters as well. It may matter less in a committed relationship, but you have to go through first impression in the beginning. And if you want to make a good impression, you’d want to be “hot”.

Before we get to know somebody’s heart, we see their face, their clothes, their shoes, their nails. All these say something about you. Since communication is about 53%-89% nonverbal, you want a handle on what you are saying.

Being “hot” is making yourself likable, desirable. You put yourself in a postion where people like what they see. A lot of it is being well groomed, and polished. Add some fashion, a good parfume and nice hair-cut, and you’ve given yourself a much better chance of making a good impression. And remember, “you’re never fully dress without a smile”.

This is the first half- the physical. The next story will be about emotional attractiveness.

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Insecurity and Confidence: where do they come from?

What we believes matters.

For the most part of my adolescence I’ve been a rather shy kid. A lot of people told me that I’m good looking, and that was great; but I didn’t know what to do with that. As I grew older I asked a few girls out, but for the most part it seemed rather awkward. I mean I was an all right guy, good looking, Christian, fun- but somehow I never got to go beyond an awkward asking somebody out just to be moved in the “friends zone.”

A few weeks back we’ve talked about the fact that Christian guys lack confidence. Another way to say that is that they are insecure. This happens to girls too, and the usual outcome is fear based behavior. No bueno. Then you see the other people who act all-confident like they’ve been around since the first day of creation. That’s not confidence either, not healthy one anyways, let me explain why.

Insecurities and confidence are two sides of the same coin: they reflect what we believe about ourselves. Now we can believe something that is true or something that is not true in accord to reality.

The people who are overconfident usually believe something better about themselves than what  is true. They are confident, but they’re confidence is rooted in a self-created realty. It’s the guys in the gym who scream to hard after every squat or walk around like they swallowed a hangar. And the girls with the “oh my gosh, you won’t believe who just asked me out” attitude. Worthless. These people need a reality check, and no worries, life will give it to them.

Then there are the insecure ones. Shy, submissive, quiet e.t.c. Again, no bueno. They believe again something not true about themselves, namely that they are less that what they are in real life. Maybe they’ve been lied to, made fun of, never been affirmed… There are lots of causes, but the same effect. Guys and girls don’t believe that they are able to to attract a really good partner. They hope for that, wish for that, but don’t really believe that.

So how do we address insecurities?

We must change what we believe about ourselves.

We must find what reality is really like and start from there. It may very well be that you’re body, mannerism or the way you dress is really unattractive. Don’t hang out with your looser friends who tell you that you’re OK. Change some things about you. It may be that you’ll have to fresh’n up that wardrobe of yours and maybe get a hair cut.

But this is just the begging. The journey continues with journaling. Yes, jouranling. Write down white you believe about yourself. Be honest. Be honest with yourself because it’s the foundation of any change. Confront those beliefs about yourself. Call them out, make them clear.

Changing a belief is not an easy thing. It’s not easy at all. It took years for that belief to form. Many times the process was subtle, tacit, blended. There are several factors, context plays a role, there are a lot of things going on. To change a belief that somebody has about themselves takes time and the right approach. You have to want this, work hard at it and face reality regardless how harsh. You have to look yourself in the mirror, tell yourself the truth and start doing something about it.

Most of the time we don’t want to do that. Reality is too harsh to look in the face. We don’t want to question the environment we grew up, our culture, our failures over time and what they really add up. We’d rather blame context, culture, the liberals, the world, the Devil and the list goes on. Yes, the might have had a role to play, but don’t be a victim of your circumstances.

You are your biggest problem and you are your way out. Do something about it. Curing insecurities and gaining true confidence comes from facing the reality about ourselves and doing something to change it. It may take a while, but when you’ve gone through the process, you will be a better person: stronger, wiser, more confident.

What we believe matters.

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What relationships tell you about you

Have you ever hear the saying: “show me who your friends are and I’ll show you who you are?” Well, relationships are very much like that: they tell us something very important about ourselves.

One of the most rewarding things I’ve discovered in relationships is that as you engage in building friendships with others, you learn something about yourself – if you have the ears to listen. The feedback is constant and it tells you something about yourself. So many times we think we’ve figured ourselves out… after all we’ve spent a lifetime with ourselves. But there is more to the story. Life always brings new situations, new challenge, new scenarios. The way you react and interact with others tells something about who you are and how you react to the world. You’d do good to listen.

Often we try to improve our world by changing things around us. We try to change circumstances, or our friendships, or our friends. And these are important. But more important than that is how you THINK about all these things, and how you CHANGE. Changing circumstances will have something to do with who you are, but how you respond to your circumstances defines even more of who you are. Context gives you the opportunity for something to come out either good or bad. There have been saints that came from the slums and on the other hand there have been the worst kind of people that came from the best of families.

The wau you react to your circumstances and the people around you tells you something about yourself. The way you react to your closest relationships tells you something about yourself.

Take the time to listen.

Take the time to learn.

Take the time to absorb the lesson.

And take the time to change.

Before you try to change your friends or your circumstances,  change yourself. I can’t take responsibility for how others

 

To love at all is to be vulnerable – C.S. Lewis

Here is a quote from C.S. Lewis “The Four Loves” that I cannot get out of my mind:

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your hear will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your hear to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy or at least the risk of tragedy is damnation.  The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God’s will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness. It is like hiding the talent in a napkin and for much the same reason ‘I knew thee that thou were a hard man.’ Christ did not teach and suffer that we might become, even in the natural loves, more careful of our own happiness. If a man is not uncalculating towards the earthly beloveds whom he has seen, he is none the more likely to be so toward God who he has not seen.

We shall draw nearer to God not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armor. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it.”

 

“Just let me be me”

This is quite a loaded statement. “Just let me be me” has so many sides to it. Let’s unpack a few of them.

First and foremost, when somebody says that usually they mean: “let me express myself as I want to do it.” This is natural in many ways.  When we have something to express, we’d like to say it as it comes to us, without the hindrance of limitations from others.

Another meaning of this is: “accept me as I am.” This is very powerful, because it explains the kind of relationship we all desire. We want to be loved unconditionally, we want to know that who we are is enough to be in a meaningful relationship. Hence the tension: we want to be accepted just as we are, we want a deep relationship. But sometimes we’re not ready for it. It’s a hard truth to grasp with sometimes, but facing the truth is the only way to truthfully improve. Nobody is perfect, but some are better than others at relationship. You be the one who is better at it- it’s normal to desire to be accepted for who you are, but if who you are needs some work, then do the work.

At some point you will have to accept somebody for just who they are, and hopefully they will accept you for just who you are. This is not “settling” in that sense. It’s accepting how life is and doing the best you can with it. In some ways since you’re not perfect you are settling, and somebody is settling with you. It’s a fact of life. The mature ones learn to settle down in a relationship that makes them happy… a lot of people settle in a relationship that is just functional – and that is “settling” in the negative connotation.

What I’m trying to say is this: know that as some point you will have to accept somebody for just who they are. Make a wise choice, and accept them all together. Know that somebody will make the same decision with you, so try to be the best person you can be, and always grow. Be a killer deal for somebody who will settled down with you so that when they “let you be you”, you are an awesome thing in the happening.