REAL Men Remain Calm

Ever listened to a guy freak out because things aren’t going his way with a girl? “I just don’t understand why I can’t get a girlfriend!” What? Why do you need one in the first place?

Or how about the guy who freaks out and swears at the video game when he fails or cusses out the TV when his team loses? What about the guy who’s palms are sweaty and knees are knocking as he approaches a girl to ask her out? We’ve all been that guy before I’m sure.

One characteristic of a REAL man that I didn’t put in my 10 points on How to be a Real man or in my Leadership discussion, is he remains calm and collected in all circumstances. The idea is that regardless of whether things go the way he expects or hopes them to or not he will remain in control of his emotions.

Disclaimer: I’m not advocating a jaded, emotionless man. You should know from many of the other posts that feeling and empathizing are essential. Emotionless men are boys who are too scared to admit they have feelings (and often on steroids).

So let’s look at a couple instances of remaining calm. Let’s say that you go out with a girl and while you are out another guy at the bar starts to hit on her. An insecure guy would try to pull her away from the situation. Or he might distract her. Later on he’s let out a rant about that guy being a jerk or a loser and how he couldn’t stand guys who don’t show respect. But the real man remains calm. He realizes the girl went out with him not bar dude. He may lean back in his chair with a chill smile and enjoy the entertainment. After all if the girl leaves him he didn’t lose much. But chances are she won’t and they can both laugh about it later.

Here’s another one. Adult boy’s girlfriend comes to him freaking out about something he did. “You’re not a gentleman; you don’t open my door or pull out my chair. Don’t you see how that other guy is being so much more of a man than you?” Adult boy becomes defensive. “Do you see all I do for you? I bought you that dress you’re wearing and dinner tonight! I put up with eating at this stupid restaurant and suck up to you every chance I get”. To which she responds “exactly, that’s my point, you ‘put up with me’. I don’t want to just be some girl you tolerate!”

You get the point. What does a real man do? He sits back and listens. If it’s something that holds weight he may try a therapeutic dispute resolution technic:

1. restate the problem in your own words
2. agree with the parts that you find true because there is always an element of truth in every accusation
3. express your feelings about the way the subject was approached
4. suggest or ask an appropriate change in action).

However, it could be she has something else underlying the issue (her boss didn’t appreciate her at work, her girlfriend gossiped behind her back) and it has nothing to do with you. If you can calmly determine you’re not in the wrong then just listen. And then move on.

Real men don’t react. They act. Calmly and purposefully.

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How to be a REAL man

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1). Put away the video game controller. This is code for stop wasting time doing antisocial, mind numbing activities that decrease your ability to relate to others. Guys we know that we already struggle with being in the moment and connecting with other people. Video games are not helping.

2). Have a mission and a purpose and pursue it. This is another reason to stop video gaming. Why? A real man has something he is living for. He’s not aimlessly living for cheap thrills and one night stands. That’s a boy trying to compensate in a man’s world. A real man has a plan and lives his life for a purpose (to serve others, to teach something he’s passionate about, to develop an excellent product, to love his family, etc.).

3). Life is not about instant gratification. A real man doesn’t need the crutches of instant gratification but enjoys entertainment and pleasure in moderation. He realizes that it is often worth sacrificing cheap happiness now for great joy later. On the flip side he is not against pleasure but in fact is better able to enjoy it because he values it and understands its proper use. A skilled driver enjoys a sports car much more than a first timer who ends up crashing the car in his excitement.

4). Take initiative and risks. We’ve talked about this before. Be a risk taker. Go up to that girl who is “out of your league” and talk to her. And if she shuts you down do it again (not in a creeper sort of way!). A real man takes a plunge because he can take the fall. He understands economics. Greater risk=greater reward.

5). Be a leader. When everyone else is pandering to each other and unable to make a decision step up. Say “we’re doing this, who wants to go”. Take control of the situation and don’t leave people wondering in the dark. When your girl asks you where you want to eat tell her. Don’t say “I don’t care baby, where do you want to eat.”

6). Make decisions. Action. Not passivity. If a decision has to be made don’t be afraid to make it. Step up and be a man. Don’t be stupid and just randomly choose stuff. Think about it. Pray about it. Weight the options. But make a decision. If it’s an issue you’re not ready to make a decision on (who to marry, whether or not to move to Alaska) than don’t wallow in indecision. Make the decision not to decide and focus on something else. If it’s a decision that must be made now, make it. Except the consequences. Remember take a risk eh?

7). Be strong. If you have values stick to them. If you have standards keep them. If you make a boundary don’t let someone cross it. If you say, “I don’t tolerate whining” and whining occurs than don’t tolerate it. But don’t be a jackass.

8). Empathize. Don’t be so stuck in your own little black and white world. This is not manly. This is insecurity. Look at something from your girls’ perspective or your brothers. And see how you could be wrong. Or maybe you’re not, but from their perspective it appears differently. Be able to connect on an emotional level with a woman. This is an art. Most males can’t do it. Real men can. Without losing their masculinity.

9). The world is not black and white. Ok maybe it is. From God’s view. But you’re not God. And you’re not God’s gift to women. So stop being a boy and forcing your opinions down people’s throats. Stand by your personal standards and values but think outside the box and realize that the rest of the world isn’t you and doesn’t have a responsibility to live your way. But you do.

10). Anticipate success. Not in an arrogant fashion. But with confidence. Be confident that you can be a man that a woman will love. And if you’re not: re-read what I just wrote and become one. Its hard work. But real men work real hard. Get off your ass and grow up.

 

Be a man: on taking leadership roles and reclaiming your masculinity

Admit the truth: Men have become weak. They suck up. They pander. They play games. They pout and cry and wear makeup to hide the tears. They have become metro rather than manly. Either that or they are just plain obnoxious and way too full of testosterone to relate to anything more emotional than a rock.

Men have lost their ability to be real men in our society. When it comes to relationships they obey their girlfriend without question. Possibly arguing a bit for show but this is only token resistance (the same kind a girl will show when she wants to make out with you but her circle of friends says its too soon). For some men they are only hoping to suck up enough to possible get laid once in a while. For others they are buying into this materialistic Christian idea that the woman is a princess and should be bought with many gifts.

Real character is lacking. Real purpose is non-existent. Real ability to take control of situation is gone. Questions like “what do you want to do?”, “where do you want to go?”, “do you like what I’m wearing”, “are you ok?” used to be reserved for the woman. Now men are asking permission for their every move, not out of genuine care but rather out of  a lack of purpose or ability to be a man and make a decision.

And, if a man practically asks you to walk all over him why wouldn’t you girls? Why buy the cow when the milk is free, right? Why pay a servant when your slave does all the work for nothing?

These kinds of men do not attract women. Sure they may occasionally settle for someone as indecisive and insecure as themselves and convince them to coexist in mutual misery. Or perhaps a woman may for a time take advantage of the benefit of having a little boy toy for a while. But the reality is that while no woman wants a controlling domineering man, almost all women want a man who can make a decision, who is busy living life outside of her demands, and who can direct a situation with determination.

Feminism did a lot of great things for society. But one [possibly] unintended side-effect was that men became scared of taking on any leadership roles. They lost the ability to think for themselves. Women naturally took up their slack. But this is not necessarily what they wanted. When a woman gets asked out on a date she will be much more romantically inclined if the guy actually has a plan and shows some initiative. Numerous women have told me “if he only had the balls to ask, I would have given him my number” and variations on that theme.

The real man decides “we’re going to the melting pot, dress nice” rather than asks “would you prefer steak or Chinese or Italian, something fancy or something cheap”. He says “come with me I have something fun to show you” instead of asking “what do you wanna do tonight?”. Ever seen The Tourist? Remember this quote:

Elise: Invite me to dinner, Frank?
Frank Tupelo: What?
Frank Tupelo: Would you like to have dinner?
Elise: Women don’t like questions.
Frank Tupelo: Join me for dinner.
Elise: Too demanding.
Frank Tupelo: Join me for dinner?
Elise: Another question.
Frank Tupelo: I’m having dinner, if you’d care to join me.
[Elise smiles at him]

The real man learns the woman’s likes and dislikes and on his own and adapts where necessary. Some things he can compromise on. Like avoiding Mexican when he’s eating with her if she absolutely hates it. Not bringing up a touchy subject from her past when she doesn’t want to talk about it. Being emotionally understanding. Others he cannot like giving up his time with the guys in the gym every Saturday morning because she really wants to see him.

Once again this is NOT about being some kind of macho retard who dominates woman and tells them what to do. These men are just as pathetic as the wimps and suckers. This is simply about being a man and recognizing you can make decisions on your own and take action without asking permission to use YOUR time the way you like. And certainly, in more serious long term relationships there are adaptions that need to be made. It’s great to get your girl’s opinion. It’s probably a good idea if your wife knows where you’re going if you leave the house at midnight tonight. But your new girlfriend that you met at freshman seminar has no business knowing this stuff.

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