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Getting Physical: For Men (Part 2)


Let’s be honest: any heathy young guy with a hot girl in his lap has one thing on his mind. It’s how we’re wired.

We can’t help but to react to beauty, to the suave side of the feminine nature. Like many other things in life, it comes this comes naturally, and it’s only highten by physical touch.

We are men, we love to do things, new things, exciting things. Sex is one of those things. Physical touch is the path that leads to that. However far along the path you might have gotten, let’s be honest – that’s where the path leads. It’s how it was meant to be. You might start with a gentle stroke, holding hands, kissing, french kissing, heavy stroke and so forth and so on. Wherever you choose to stop as a guy, you know that’s not to the last stop. You might hold the line until you are married, which is honorable. It’s how it ought to be. But physical touch leads toward that, and it’s a clue…

It’s a clue for us guys. It points toward the fact that a relationship is progressive, it’s growing, it evolves. A wise man would know that this is only one side of the relationship. There is also friendship, the social aspect, the intellectual aspect and even the spiritual aspect. All these are area in which a healthy relationships must grow. When a romantic relationship grows in all these areas, the two become one.

It’s a clue about community. It’s a clue about how we should do relationships. If the bodies become one, so should the souls. If desire drives the bodies to be closer, its pointing towards the fact that the hearts should be close as well.

Being physical with a girl is a gift from the Creator. It should be enjoyed at it’s proper time and it should culminate at marriage – as the rest of the relationships. And then you have only began the journey… of the two becoming one.

 

 
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Posted by on September 24, 2012 in Jack

 

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Getting Physical Part 1


I won’t ask where the lines is. There’s been enough talk about that.

I’d like to talk about what getting physical does, and how that plays into our relationships. It’s no secret: getting physical affects both our body and our souls. It can be a good thing, it can be a bad thing, it certainly is one of the main reason we do get in romantic relationships.

Not being physical attracted is one the most common reason not to get in a relationship. And when you’re attracted and get going… sparks fly. I’m not really interested in talking about how much to hold hands and how far is to far. That’s for another time or perhaps another post.

What I am interested in talking about is how it affects a relationship and how we use it or misuse it. To thrive, every deep meaningful romantic relationship must develop on an intelectual, emotional, social and physical level. When one is a miss, there is misconnection.

It’s also helpful to be growing in all these areas. If two people develop a deep emotional connection but have no physical inclination, we’d call that a platonic relationship. When we get physical, anything from holding hands, to a kiss or making out – that brings the relationships to a whole new level. It changes the way we think about the relationship and the other person. It affects our thoughts and emotions toward them. It moves the relationship in a certain direction…

The point is this: getting physical is an awesome things – it’s also a responsibility. Cherish it, guard it, cultivate it. At the end of the day, we’re not essentially bodies, but souls, souls with bodies.

 
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Posted by on September 20, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Making Love versus Sex


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There is a lot of hype about love versus sex. While I would be the first to agree that they are very separate, I think I can safely say that they are more integrated than we think. It’s not like you can’t have one without the other. Obviously. But I think that when linked they create a unique and beautiful way of expression that is not possible when separated. Let’s start with some definitions.

What is love? When I talk about love I mean being having a companion who you can be fully open with. This person knows your best friend secrets and it ok with dating or marrying you, even if they don’t like them. I’m talking about someone you trust, who you’ve spent quality and quantity time with. Intimacy is really only possible when you allow yourself to be vulnerable. And hopefully love allows for this.

The boredom aspect: Ever notice that things which used to thrill you as a child don’t anymore. Ever notice that a first kiss isn’t a breathtaking as it once was? Ever notice that you can drive for hours and never notice a single interesting site when as a child you would be enthralled at every new view?

We naturally get bored of things. Just like a smell decreases over time of exposure, so constant exposure to pleasure and other sensory stimuli will eventually cause us to get numb. In a relationship this is a terrible thing. You don’t want your sex drive to go away but at the same time there is only so far in how “freaky” you can get before your sex drive starts wanting other partners.

Love is perhaps most passionately expressed in sex and sex is perhaps most passionately enjoyed in love. However, what drives the need for sex makes a world of difference in the way that pleasure is perceived. It also makes a world of difference in the way the couple’s relationship either develops or deteriorates.

Here’s the difference. The man or woman, who is simply looking at sex a form of pleasure, or an artificial way to get close to someone, must constantly look for ever increasing levels of pleasure and intensity to satisfy. The chemical dopamine which is in part responsible for our drives is thought to be never satisfied (so to speak). Thus purely physical drives or drives that come from emotional insecurity cannot really be satisfied even with the pleasure that they desired.

However, a couple who is truly in love with each other (as described earlier) is not looking for pure physical pleasure to satisfy those drives. Their drive is the need for oneness and intimacy, to increasingly know every aspect of their lover. Thus, they have a natural source of increased energy to offset the boredom aspect.

Sure you should be free to try new things and should look to please your partner. But a truly gratifying sexual experience, in my opinion, is best had in a trusting relationship. True love leads to intimacy which results in amazing sex. Amazing sex is the expression of this intimacy.

 
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Posted by on February 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Won’t my boyfriend be less likely to marry me if we have sex?


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Continuing the theme of sex and dating, I was thinking about one of the most common arguments that older people presented me as to why a girl should save her body for marriage: if the guy gets your body beforehand, he has what he wants without commitment, and will most likely not ask you to marry him.

When I first started dating, I fully believed this idea. As a guy I honestly thought that once I had sex with my girlfriend, a switch would turn in my head and I would no longer love her, I would simply want her body. Sex is a very emotionally connecting part of a relationship so it just made sense that to mess up God’s plan would mess up the relationship.

However, women, this does not seem to hold weight in real life. If a guy is going to respect you and your body and truly loves you, sex will not make a difference in that. Sex is a biological drive that both men and women have (in fact, many women are now openly refuting the myth that men have a stronger drive than women). But its not all there is a to a relationship or to a woman’s value to a man.

While sex is a unique bond that is best made in marriage, it is not the end prize that a guy is looking for. After all, if all he wanted was that couldn’t he just hook up with any attractive girl and save the ones he actually liked to be “just friends” from any ensuing emotional damage?

A guy’s respect and value of a woman is based on much more than sex. At least that’s the way a Christian guy should be. He should see you as a best friend, a companion, someone to pursue life’s dreams with, someone to support him in his endeavors, someone he believes in enough to support their endeavors as well. Sex is a wonderful part of this value, but should by no means be the sum of it.

The danger I see with this viewpoint is that you might start viewing sex as a tool. If I withhold my body from him he will marry me. But now that we’re married I wonder what else I can get him to do for sex. Maybe I should show him I expect flowers and massage before we have sex. Or if he doesn’t help with the dishes he doesn’t get any.

I don’t think a lot of women consciously think it through like this, but I can’t tell you the number of marriages I hear of where this is exactly how it plays out. Some women have made sex such a tool that they will gladly pleasure themselves to reduce their drive when their husband is around, making it even harder for him. In the end these women are hurting themselves as much as their husbands.

So do I agree with “why should he buy the cow when the milk is free”? No. Unless you’re a dairy cow and the only thing you’re good for is milk. Practice abstinence for the right reasons: because it saves your body and your heart for the person you are committed to. Don’t do it out of fear of losing your boyfriend or as a tool to get your way. If he doesn’t value you after sex, he probably didn’t value you before.

 
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Posted by on February 18, 2012 in James

 

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Double Standards Anyone?


So why would I bring up such a “touchy” subject related to Christian Dating?

First you should follow me on Twitter here!

Now, what’s the title of our site? Christian Dating Games. One of the games I think that we play as Christians is pretending that because we uphold some small technicality we are more moral than the rest of our fellow human beings. I’ve seen this in many area of Christianity and I think it’s a crucial reason for the mixed confused mess than many dating couples find themselves in.

On the one hand we play all the hard to get, flirting, teasing, value building games of the rest of society. On the other hand we pretend we have these exceedingly high Christianized morals in our physical lives. But secretly do we really want these moral standards at all? Do we find every way around them because we are sincerely struggling against a terrible sin that is hard to defeat (as most Christian relationship “experts” would tell you)?

Or do we find every way around our morals because we really don’t personally know what we believe? But it seems acceptable in the Christian bubble to speak out against sex and natural desires outside of marriage. So we speak out against it. But secretly try to get around it every chance we have because we don’t personally see the problem in fulfilling natural human desires.

Here’s an example of what I mean. As a kid I often got angry (mostly inside, I was good at not letting it show) at people. In fact, I can remember numerous occasions where I actually wanted the other person to die. Basically (like the verse in the Bible that says he who is angry with his brother commits murder) I wanted to have them murdered.

Sounds terrible. We don’t think of little kids being like this. But they are. However, I realized at a quite young age the consequences of such an action. I was terrified of them. Not only that, I also realized that I wouldn’t want them to kill me if I was angry. It was clear to me that killing was NEVER the answer for anger. And of course I saw this at a later age Biblically.

I think a few people see sex before marriage like this. And even today in college or post-college they still see the dangerous consequences. But most of us don’t. We might have been “brainwashed” by Christian subculture to believe it’s bad. And we might hold certain standards. But honestly deep down inside we really don’t see anything truly dangerous or wrong with it.

So we teach one thing and practice another. Here’s my suggestion. Decide what you believe and stick with it. Stop praising your boyfriends to his face for being such an example of Godly purity when what you really want him to do is make love to you all night long (true story btw).

If you find you don’t really believe typical Christian morals, stop pretending you do or making up games to somehow keep you in the acceptable circle. Remember, owning who you are is perhaps one of the best ways to be more successful in dating. And I think we could all benefit from being less judgmental of those with different standards than ours. People are very perceptive and can tell when you reject them no matter how subtly for having slightly different standards.

Genuine people are much happier, have better relationships, and despite being wrong in some areas, seem to be much easier to live with . . . in my opinion.

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Posted by on February 15, 2012 in James

 

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“Sexual immorality is wrong”: by whose definition?


Be warned this is a candid open post that talks about real issues that Christian singles and couples deal with every day. However, if you are uncomfortable with open talk about sex, don’t keep reading (maybe just do the poll below real quick)!

How many times have you heard in Christian circles that sexual immorality or fornication is wrong. This seems absurd to most people outside of Christianity and perhaps is increasingly rare in practice among Christians. However, it would seem that abstinence (of some sort) is still widely taught. What we don’t seem to agree on is what that really is.

Let me give you a few examples. Coming from the Liberty University (Lynchburg, VA) Christian community, I’ve seen how high Christian girls in particular elevate virginity. But what makes a girl a virgin? I once heard a story of a girl who believed that as long as she prayed before sex, and then prayed again afterward (presumably asking God’s forgiveness) that she was still a virgin. She would tell anyone who asked that she was and in her heart she really was.

Here’s another example: a different girl, determined to keep her virginity, concluded in her mind that as long as she didn’t kiss the guy she could have sex with him all she wanted and it wouldn’t actually count as sex. I would presume she felt sex was wrong, or at least undesirable in her circle, but that what really makes true intimacy is kissing along with intercourse. Interest.

Other’s understand that the most technical definition of sex is vaginal intercourse. Thus anal sex, even with numerous partners, is perfectly fine and leaves them technically still virgins. In fact, I’ve heard stories of girls who have had way more partners than the normal sexually active individual, but because they were all anal, felt they were virgins.

I’ve met guys with a different approach to the situation. Its not ok for you to do it. But yeah me and my girlfriend, well that was different. We didn’t really mean to. And we ended up getting married in the end.

What about oral sex? Or how about fingering? What about touching? Where do you draw the line?

Another school of thought is that the line is not so much drawn by physical boundaries but by how much you love someone. If you love someone and are committed to them its ok to express yourself physically.

I’m not here to tell you how to live or to discuss theology. That’s not the point of this blog honestly. And I certainly don’t condemn any Christian for where they draw the line. After all we all make mistakes and the couple who abstains from all sexual contact before marriage may very well have an unkind attitude toward each other that could in the long be as detrimental to the relationship as anything else.

I will say that I’ve talked to some non-Christians, and they say “what’s the difference? If oral sex wasn’t sex it wouldn’t be called oral sex.”

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What do you think? The poll below is completely anonymous. So please answer honestly and let me know.

 
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Posted by on February 14, 2012 in James

 

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False Value: How we play games to increase our value and make it look like we have something we don’t


Value. This is what all of us are ultimately trying to add to our lives through relationships of one sort or another. Admit it, even if you are the innocent girl waiting for God to write your fairy tale love story, ultimately you want this love story because it will make you feel happy and secure and loved. You want to add real value to your life. Similarly for the most pragmatic, logical guy looking for the perfectly compatible mate: what you really want is someone who has enough value to you to add value to your life.

So what about when we meet someone we deem as more valuable than are? What if we really want this person? How can we offer them something of value when they seem totally content with what they have?

Girls what about that hot guy you just met that you’ve been hanging out with that seems to have it all. He is popular, he’s funny, and you love spending time with him. And yet there just really doesn’t seem to be anything you can offer him that he doesn’t have to make him want you.

Or guys, what about that girl that is independent and driven. She doesn’t need a man to feel secure. She has a plan and isn’t just waiting around for you to sweep her off her feet. This makes her all the more attractive to you. And yet. What do you have to offer her that she doesn’t already have? What would make her want you in her life?

And this is where we begin to play the game of creating false value.

One way a lot of girls do this is with sex. While I do not have as much experience in the secular world, it would seem that post college sex games are less common: people finally realize that sex is mutually beneficial and stop using it as a tool. But as the economist Steven Levitt once said: guys have always wanted more sex than there are women willing to give it to them for free. So many woman will capitalize on this alluring the guy through sexual attraction and then constantly teasing him either by occasionally giving in or by promising sex once a certain level of commitment has been reached.

I might receive a lot of flak for saying this and am willing to admit I am wrong, but it seems that a large percentage of Christian marriages happen because of this subtle understanding that the guy doesn’t get sex unless he marries the girl. While I would argue there are good psychological and moral reasons to wait for marriage, withholding sex as a tool to make yourself appear more valuable and to get what you want in other areas of a relationship is counter productive.

A second way of creating false value is to make the other person think they are missing something. You create discontentment in their hearts and cause them to think that they cannot live without something they previously were not even aware of. This can often manifest itself as false dependence. A perfectly happy content girl becomes dependent on a guy because he created a false dependency. She may have been fine driving four hours home to visit her family until he traveled with her and suddenly she couldn’t make the trip without his charming company. I call this false dependence because she wasn’t looking for a need to be met; he created a need by offering her something than causing her to imagine it being taken away.

This is fundamentally what marketing is. Making you miss something you didn’t have before by offering it to you and then taking it away. Being aware of the way these feelings are created can help protect you from falling from someone that you wouldn’t otherwise want.

A third way that we play games to create value is by creating false scarcity and demand. Everyone knows that person who always waits a few hours to respond to a text or phone call just to make it seem like they are busier. Many people don’t even think about this but do it out of procrastination. Others however, use this as a mind game. Guys will often disappear for a few days after a romantic night. Girls might say they are busy then be sure that they are seen with other guys in public.

This is basic economics. Because we as humans naturally want what we can’t have, high demand and/or low supply are two things that attract people. If a girl believes a guy to be “out of her league” she might try to appear as if lots of other guys want her so he will wonder what the big deal is. Alternatively, she can make herself seem quite busy every time he wants to see her thus giving the allusion of being scarce.

Most of these games are played sub-consciously. And I’m not necessarily saying they are good or bad. However two words of caution: if you are the one playing the game remember that other may realize what you are doing and your value could diminish greatly in their eyes. If you are the one being played learn to recognize the person’s true value and not be fooled by games. Playing the game is part of how dating works, but some people take it too far by creating false expectations of who they really are without adding any REAL value to your life at all.

 
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Posted by on December 31, 2011 in James

 

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