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#11 Pay attentions to the guys in the group: How to talk to Girls Series


ImageLet’s say you are at the bar and you see a girl you want to talk to. But you feel intimidated because there are three attractive guys sitting at her table with her and another girl as well. You feel certain that one of them is dating her. You get nervous and don’t say anything. Or suppose you are at a dinner party and you notice a girl who happens to be sitting with a couple gentlemen who catches your attention. But you refrain from approaching her because . . . why?

What is it that makes some guys not want to talk to a girl because they see her talking another guy? Certainly there is room for respecting another guy’s friendship and game, but who is to say he’s not “just friends” with her or even her brother?

In situations like this the best thing to do is just be friendly and talk to the guys as much if not more than to the girl. You can observe the way he relates to you to gage his level of interest and extent of investment in the girl. For example, if he begins getting closer, giving you short answers showing a lack of interest, or making obviously possessive statements you can guess he has some sort of interest in her. Maybe ask a friend later if they are together.

However, if he’s just another guy at the party why does he somehow have more of a right or a better change of talking to her than you? Competition is good because it makes us better men. I honestly think some women pit guys against each other to see who will come out the best.

Don’t see other guys as a threat. See them as potential friends, contacts, business partners, and perhaps most importantly your way in to a conversation with the girl you like. And if the girl ends up being with the guy, as long as you are respectful and charming, you’re not going to cause any trouble by talking to her.

#01 Introduction: How to talk to Girls Series

#02 Get out there: How to talk to Girls Series

#03 Talk to people who seem more important than you: How to talk to Girls Series

#04 The three second rule: How to talk to Girls Series

#05 Don’t have expectations:  How to talk to Girls Series

#06 Failure is Feedback: How to talk to Girls Series

#07 Be a happy single man: How to talk to Girls Series

#08 Learn to Listen: How to talk to Girls Series

#09 Ask Questions: How to talk to Girls Series

#10 Talk to her friends: How to talk to Girls series

 
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Posted by on July 31, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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#10 Talk to her friends: How to talk to Girls Series


ImageEver meet that fun beautiful girl who just happens to have an unattractive boring best friend? Some guys call these girls cock-blocks or gatekeepers. There are lots of theories as to why they exist the most popular probably being that beautiful girls like having a less attractive less interesting friend to keep themselves the center of attention.

Regardless of the truth, what should you do in these situations? What if the gatekeeper really is trying to keep you from entering the gate and getting the girl’s number or talking to her one on one? What if she’s actually not that bad she’s just “in your way”?

First of all you need to show that you are interested in both of them. Not romantically. But as human beings. Perhaps you could even begin by paying more attention to the gatekeeper than the girl you are interested in. Learn her likes and dislikes and charm her. You NEED her to like you.

Second, don’t appear threatening. If you are over the top flirtatious or overtly sexual or come across as a complete jerk, these gatekeepers are there to stop you. However, if you are fun and interesting and find common ground with both of them (build rapport); you will have a better chance of getting past.

Third, if you do get the number, invite to hang out, or date, be sure to include the friends (Attractive and fun or not) in future outings. This is important because while you don’t want to become a part of their group (you want to pull the girl into your exciting world not mooch off of hers) you do want to be a welcome visitor.

Finally, if things don’t work out, who knows, not all friends are boring or unattractive. Attractive girls usually have some attractive friends. If nothing happened between you and the girl, there is nothing wrong with dating her friends.

 

#01 Introduction: How to talk to Girls Series

#02 Get out there: How to talk to Girls Series

#03 Talk to people who seem more important than you: How to talk to Girls Series

#04 The three second rule: How to talk to Girls Series

#05 Don’t have expectations:  How to talk to Girls Series

#06 Failure is Feedback: How to talk to Girls Series

#07 Be a happy single man: How to talk to Girls Series

#08 Learn to Listen: How to talk to Girls Series

#09 Ask Questions: How to talk to Girls Series

 
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Posted by on July 27, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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#08 Learn to listen: How to talk to Girls Series


Girls love to laugh as much as we do. If your naturally the center of attention and the funny guy in the group your probably used to making people laugh and having them listen to you. You can probably talk about anything for hours.

Or maybe you’re a story teller. Maybe you have a lot of exciting things you just can’t wait to retell and your close friends actually do enjoy listening to you and your adventures.

Or perhaps you feel passionately about something. Politics, theology, relationships, etc. And you could wax eloquent for hours on your pet theme.

Well guess what, girl you just met probably doesn’t want to hear that for hours on end. I mean gage the situation. If you meet her in the context of you being the center of attention, sure maybe she will enjoy you continuing to hold that position for a bit.

But eventually she wants to talk. About her. And she should. That’s fair. Learn to love it. Learn to love to listen to a woman talk.

We’ve not supposed to be this way unless we’re gay in today’s society. And there is a limit. You don’t want to become her girlfriend for her to bitch to. But you do need to develop the ability to actually listen, not just hear, and actually enjoy it.

How do you do that? A couple things. First of all if she totally bores you she’s probably not for you. Just saying. But sometimes it’s more a matter of perspective. You need to get out of the mindset that what girls think about and talk about is somehow stupid and what guys talk about is somehow intelligent and logical and interesting.

Listening to a girl talk is like entering another world. It’s exciting. I don’t get it sometimes. But it’s fascinating. And they can be funny and interesting and good stories tellers if you let them. They can show you a side of life you never realized existed and its quite a delight. But you have to start with the mindset that what they have to say isn’t stupid.

So let’s say you are sitting at the bar enjoying a good beer and you realize you’ve been talking about yourself a bit too much. Look over to her and say, “you look like you have a pretty exciting life. Why don’t you tell me about it? Make me jealous.” Or your own version of that. Make them feel comfortable and enjoy the conversation.

#01 Introduction: How to talk to Girls Series

#02 Get out there: How to talk to Girls Series

#03 Talk to people who seem more important than you: How to talk to Girls Series

#04 The three second rule: How to talk to Girls Series

#05 Don’t have expectations:  How to talk to Girls Series

#06 Failure is Feedback: How to talk to Girls Series

#07 Be a happy single man: How to talk to Girls Series

 
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Posted by on July 16, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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My boyfriend and I are always fighting . . .


More on therapeutic dispute resolution technics…. (First go LIKE us on FACEBOOK)

To begin with you need to start listening. What do I mean by listening? Stop planning what you are going to say next and really think about what the other person is saying. Put yourself in their shoes and think about how you would feel if you were in that same position. Try to see through their lenses (based on their past and their desires for the future).

Once they are done sit back and give yourself some time to process what they said. And then restate in your own words what you think was being said. Summarize the key points of the dispute: “It seems to me that you are saying that we do not communicate enough and that I seem to want to spend time with my friends more than with you.”

This is called restating the problem. They may correct you and don’t get upset if they do. “No I’m not saying that at all!!! I’m saying you don’t know HOW to communicate with me because your too busy with your friends all the time!” Not much different but important in the other person’s eyes. Don’t ever contradict or argue.

Now you need to find some humility. Admit that there is some truth in what they say. Because no matter how perfect you are you can always improve. “I understand where you are coming from. I don’t always pay good attention to you when you talk and I do spend a lot of time with some of my friends.” Even if you feel that there is no truth at all in the accusation try to find something you agree on. “Your right, I could certainly grow in my communication skills and I need the reminder to put you first.”

Also acknowledge their feelings of hurt or anger. Don’t ignore these feelings that they have to you or discredit them. “Is it fair to say that this makes you angry and frustrated with me?”

Once you are on the same page with the offended part of the dispute, you can express your own feelings. You may see the truth that they are presenting but whenever this subject is brought up you shut down because you feel personally attacked. “When you talk to me like this I understand where you are coming from but I feel you have something personally against me and it makes me want to shut down. It’s not that I don’t hear what you are saying but when you raise your voice I feel belittled.”

Sometimes the thing that makes us most angry in a dispute with our significant other is the way they say things. So express how you feel in an understanding way. Acknowledge the truth but also address your feelings.

Finally, you need to ask how you can improve and change what is bothering them. Ask the other person what they would like to see you do differently. “How can I show you that I really want to hear what you are saying? How can I spend more quality time with you and make you feel like you are just as important as my friends are?” Don’t be tempted to simply offer your own solution. If the other person asks you can give you opinion or if they crossed a personal boundary (badmouthing you in front of others for example) you should address that. “I really want to change in those areas you mentioned. If you could take me aside in private instead of badmouthing me to my friends I think I would be more receptive to what you are saying.”

Good luck!

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Posted by on February 9, 2012 in James

 

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