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Getting Physical: All I Want Is Your BODY (4)


She said it just right:
“All I wanna do is love your body
Tonight’s your lucky night, I know you want it” Christina Aguillera

We all have that time when we just want somebody… and not just to cuddle, haha. There’s just something about being physical with somebody. It’s fun. It’s close. It’s intimate.

The reason why it’s fun is that besides being a body, the other person is a soul. They’re not just genitals attached to a body. They also have a soul… which makes them human.

In our sensory saturated society we feel that all we want is release. So much pressure from everywhere… it build up. And we want release. When TV, movies, commercial, music and books talk about sex, it’s hard not to think about it.

What if we play it safe, use protection and enjoy ourselves? The only catch to that is that there’s no condom for the soul. And the soul gets affected.

In a world where bodies are just cells, brought forth by evolution, biological machines well tunned… in that world sex is just to continue the species. Sex doesn’t have meaning… well, nothing does for that matter – outside a subjective experience.

But life’s not like that. Even if we don’t believe, we feel that there’s something else out there. We feel with our heart the reality of other hearts – or souls.

And when you make love to somebody, it’s not just a body, but a soul with a body. That’s why it’s so much fun. That’s why it’s serious.

 

 
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Posted by on October 7, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Getting Physical: For Men (Part 2)


Let’s be honest: any heathy young guy with a hot girl in his lap has one thing on his mind. It’s how we’re wired.

We can’t help but to react to beauty, to the suave side of the feminine nature. Like many other things in life, it comes this comes naturally, and it’s only highten by physical touch.

We are men, we love to do things, new things, exciting things. Sex is one of those things. Physical touch is the path that leads to that. However far along the path you might have gotten, let’s be honest – that’s where the path leads. It’s how it was meant to be. You might start with a gentle stroke, holding hands, kissing, french kissing, heavy stroke and so forth and so on. Wherever you choose to stop as a guy, you know that’s not to the last stop. You might hold the line until you are married, which is honorable. It’s how it ought to be. But physical touch leads toward that, and it’s a clue…

It’s a clue for us guys. It points toward the fact that a relationship is progressive, it’s growing, it evolves. A wise man would know that this is only one side of the relationship. There is also friendship, the social aspect, the intellectual aspect and even the spiritual aspect. All these are area in which a healthy relationships must grow. When a romantic relationship grows in all these areas, the two become one.

It’s a clue about community. It’s a clue about how we should do relationships. If the bodies become one, so should the souls. If desire drives the bodies to be closer, its pointing towards the fact that the hearts should be close as well.

Being physical with a girl is a gift from the Creator. It should be enjoyed at it’s proper time and it should culminate at marriage – as the rest of the relationships. And then you have only began the journey… of the two becoming one.

 

 
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Posted by on September 24, 2012 in Jack

 

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Expectations: the silent killer.


Princesses. White churches. Cherry blossoms.

Every since she was a little girl, she wanted her wedding day to look a certain way… Roses. Champaign. Slow dancing.

Every time she saw a wedding, she got more ideas of how her weeding should be.

Weddings are just one example of how we model expectations…. often by osmosis. We see a cute couple and decide that our life will be like that. We hear a romantic line and decide we’re going to be better. From real life examples to magazines, cartoons, cereals ads and museum painting- each element ads another expectations to what we want our relationships to be like.

Where do you add that in Christian thought, marriage is a “for-life” deal, so whatever deal you make, you better make the best one you can. No pressure. But really, make the best deal you can. And all this from afar- because as soon as you’ve had coffee you’re on a count-down to either rejection or an exclusive relationships.

I’m being a bit sarcastic here…. but let’s be hones: how many times have you not seen this happen? Our expectations, coupled with the exclusivity of marriage make dating relationships incredibly hard. 

So what about expectations makes them so dangerous? Most commonly, the fact that they are silent. They’ve been silent for a while, even subconscious. Some of us may be more vocal about them with our friends, but for the most part they go under the radar, unnoticed, unchecked.

I’ve this scenario one too many times in my life or the lives of my friends: things are going well, the day is unfolding and then snap- something happens. The other person doesn’t know what exactly it was, but something happened, and it killed the mood, the night, the relationship. And often, the other person doesn’t even know what hit them. Sometimes even we don’t know what hit us… we just know that we couldn’t see ourselves with somebody like that.

Expectations are relationship killers because they are silent. They go unsaid, yet wanted. 

And when we dont’ get what we want, we’re not happy campers. The problem is that we never said what we wanted. Often we can’t even name what we want, it’s kinda there – as they say:”you’ll know it when you see it”.

This kind of approach is not healthy. It’s magical, it’s romantic, but it’s not mature. If we are to embark in long-term relationships, we have to employ a better technique than “finding a soul mate that is my other half and makes me happy”.  A mature relationships would require talking about what we want, processing through our life history, our culture and our desires. Expressing our expectations is a grown-up way to go about it. Some of them may be legit, some may not. But either way, the other person can’t meet some of them or address other, until you talk about them.

So do the hard work of figuring out what your expectations are. Work through your history, figure out what has defined them for so long. As you work through that, look for somebody who can meet them and who knows them.

After all, to be loved is not just to be know, but to be know and loved as you are.

 
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Posted by on March 15, 2012 in Jack

 

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Making Love versus Sex


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There is a lot of hype about love versus sex. While I would be the first to agree that they are very separate, I think I can safely say that they are more integrated than we think. It’s not like you can’t have one without the other. Obviously. But I think that when linked they create a unique and beautiful way of expression that is not possible when separated. Let’s start with some definitions.

What is love? When I talk about love I mean being having a companion who you can be fully open with. This person knows your best friend secrets and it ok with dating or marrying you, even if they don’t like them. I’m talking about someone you trust, who you’ve spent quality and quantity time with. Intimacy is really only possible when you allow yourself to be vulnerable. And hopefully love allows for this.

The boredom aspect: Ever notice that things which used to thrill you as a child don’t anymore. Ever notice that a first kiss isn’t a breathtaking as it once was? Ever notice that you can drive for hours and never notice a single interesting site when as a child you would be enthralled at every new view?

We naturally get bored of things. Just like a smell decreases over time of exposure, so constant exposure to pleasure and other sensory stimuli will eventually cause us to get numb. In a relationship this is a terrible thing. You don’t want your sex drive to go away but at the same time there is only so far in how “freaky” you can get before your sex drive starts wanting other partners.

Love is perhaps most passionately expressed in sex and sex is perhaps most passionately enjoyed in love. However, what drives the need for sex makes a world of difference in the way that pleasure is perceived. It also makes a world of difference in the way the couple’s relationship either develops or deteriorates.

Here’s the difference. The man or woman, who is simply looking at sex a form of pleasure, or an artificial way to get close to someone, must constantly look for ever increasing levels of pleasure and intensity to satisfy. The chemical dopamine which is in part responsible for our drives is thought to be never satisfied (so to speak). Thus purely physical drives or drives that come from emotional insecurity cannot really be satisfied even with the pleasure that they desired.

However, a couple who is truly in love with each other (as described earlier) is not looking for pure physical pleasure to satisfy those drives. Their drive is the need for oneness and intimacy, to increasingly know every aspect of their lover. Thus, they have a natural source of increased energy to offset the boredom aspect.

Sure you should be free to try new things and should look to please your partner. But a truly gratifying sexual experience, in my opinion, is best had in a trusting relationship. True love leads to intimacy which results in amazing sex. Amazing sex is the expression of this intimacy.

 
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Posted by on February 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Why are all of my friends getting married and I’m not?


Ring by spring! MRS. Degree. Finding Mr. Right. These are all the subject of many conversations in Christian circles. Marriage is a good thing. Designed by God for our enjoyment and a real reflection of His beauty. Christians also preach abstinence before marriage, simultaneously sweetening the concept. Children are often of higher values. Many Christian girls are even brought up with the notion that they are incomplete until they are connected with the man of their dreams.

So if marriage is so highly sought after and so wonderful, why are all my friends getting their rings and I’m still unhappily waiting?

To start let me ask you a simple question: what are you doing right now to become the best possible girlfriend and wife you can be?

Are you enjoying your favorite TV shows? Working so you can have extra money to spend on cute outfits? Gossiping with your girlfriends and talking about who’s hot and who’s not? Involved in fun activities to fill every moment of your day? Regretting what you don’t have rather than rejoicing in what you do have?

I wouldn’t condemn any of these things (except maybe gossip) but let’s change the perspective. Which would you want the man you eventually marry to spend his college and early adulthood days doing:

  1. Playing video games eventually mastering World of War Craft. Drinking beers with his buddies. Flirting with other hot girls he knows he’ll never date just for fun. Watching football.

Or

  1. Reading books on how to be a better man. Learning to understand women by interacting with ones similar to one he might marry. Cultivating healthy lifestyle habits. Pursuing a career that could support a family.

My guess is that most of you would pick number two. So putting the ball back in your court: what are you doing to make yourself that charming, appealing, helpful, hardworking, respectable woman that a guy might want? Are you pining away with jealousy every time another one of your friends says “yes!” or are you praising God that you have that much more time to become an even more irresistible woman?

Think about how much you prepared for college. It all started when your parents taught you the basics of life like not touching hot stoves and doing your laundry. You learned to read. Math. Social interaction. Writing. Driving. Interpersonal skills. For the first 18 years of your life you were being prepared to leave the home and go to college in the “real” world. Wouldn’t it seem right to put that much effort into something that should last a lifetime?

Once you’ve started down the right track of preparing for marriage you can start the often painful step of realizing why perhaps you aren’t getting snatched up. Perhaps you have a tendency to nag? Any guy who understands women and can emotionally connect with them can spot a nagging type woman often on the first date. If he is secure and willing to wait for the right girl, he will turn this one down without thinking.

Or maybe you are given to a negative attitude. You may be a beautiful girl with the most perfect smile and gorgeous curves. You may be more intelligent than the guy’s law school buddies. But if he senses a negative approach toward life he may look down the years of the future and realize a lifetime of negativity is not worth your company.

Here’s another thing to consider which may make some quite angry but I have to bring it up because rightly or wrongly it’s so important in today’s world: do you take care of yourself physically? Do you dress attractively? Do you eat right? Do you work out regularly? No guy in his right mind is looking for a Victoria Secret model. In fact, many guys prefer much more curvy women. But few guys want someone who is unhealthy or seriously overweight.

I saw an episode of “Lie to Me” where the lie detectors determine that a woman was motivated to pursue a guy because of his money. She loved him from her heart but had initially gone for him because he was wealthy. But before allowing him to ditch her in anger, the team of psychologists aptly pointed out “didn’t you desire her for her beauty?” He truly loved her, but that initial attraction was sparked by her outward beauty.

So before you judge a guy for initially being attracted primarily by your looks think to yourself: what was the reason I was initially attracted?

One final thought. Perhaps the reason your friends are getting married is because they are trying but not appearing to try. What do I mean?

To get a guy you need to go where they are. Meet them. Spend time with them. Become what the guy of your dreams would dream about. But when you meet him you can’t appear desperate. You have to be relaxed and happy with or without him. Be your best, but do so even when he’s not around so you don’t act differently in front of him.

 
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Posted by on December 14, 2011 in James

 

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So many different choices…


A popular song goes like this:
“There’s a lot of pretty girls in this city
There’s a lot of pretty girls in this town
I’m trying to pick the right one
I’m trying to pick the right one
Trying to find a shorty to hold me down”

And that’s the case… there’s a lot of different choices out there.

So how do you find the right one?

“I’m so indecisive
Trying to find a pretty girl that these shoes goes nice with”

That doesnt’ seem to be the best criteria, by any means. Some other answers are “you’ll feel it”, “it’s a matter of the heart”, “you’ll know it when you see it” or “you’ll just know”. As true as that may be with some people, it still does not deal with the fact that there’s a lot of options out there. Will you get the best option out there?

Most would want to think that. For the falks who believe that there’s only one person for you in the whole world, I’d hate to brake it to you, but things don’t really work out like that. Simple math: what if the person you’re suppose to be with, by human error (and those do happen on earth) marries somebody else? Then whoever was supposed to be married with that other person missed the que as well and thus the whole system fails…

I believe that we have a choice. God is an active part in guiding us, but I believe He wants us to mature in discernment in maturity in all things of life and this is one of them. If He would just say “marry this one” or “that one”, things would be to easy. We would not learn anything of discernment. In addition, if something goes bad, we’d say: “God, you told me to marry them- something wrong with them, could you fix it?” I don’t think we’d take responsibility as  much, and marriage is all about taking responsibility and being involved in the relationship.

So back to our question: how to choose from so many options? And when you’ve chosen a good option, how do you know that there’s not a better one out there? Well… there’s always going to be somebody better out there: somebody younger, smarter, richer, you name it. But you can’t spend you’re life chasing that next thing, because when you have it, there will be another better out there.

This is where we need to brake away from our capitalistic “get the best for my buck” mentality. Relationships are not like iPhones, used it for all it’s worth until the next one comes out. They are so much more than that, and if we don’t change our thinking, we’ll miss out on a lot.

The beauty of making a choice and staying with it, is growing together with that person, experiencing life together with them. After all, is not that what relationships are about? So make a choice, make a good choice, and continue with it. Don’t spend you’re time chasing the next best things, because guess what: you’ll start from scratch all over again, and in the mean time you could have grown so much more with your first choice.

You have one life. Time goes only one way. Find somebody to spend it with, and grow together with them. Invest in them an reap the rewards in time, with them. Don’t assume a capitalistic mentality about relationships, and if you do think about bonds… dividends pay in the long run.

 
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Posted by on December 3, 2011 in Jack

 

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