Tag Archives: rule

Rule 1a: Separate yourself from the outcome

Rule 1a: Separate yourself from the outcome

One thing that I have found in my experience is that when you elevate the outcome that you are hoping to get onto a pedestal, you subconsciously inhibit yourself from reaching that outcome. In other words, when you get so focused on the result that you forget about enjoying the journey, you often loose site of the aspects of the journey that make the result possible.

Solution? Separate yourself from the outcome. Don’t let the outcome fill your mind or your thoughts. When you talk to a girl she doesn’t want you thinking “how can I convince her to go on a date with me” or even worse “how can I make her my girlfriend or wife”. She wants to be enjoyed for who she is as a person in the moment. And most likely she can intuitively tell when you have ulterior motives.

Don’t get me wrong, many girls love being pursued. But being pursued doesn’t always (or actually as you’ll learn later, hardly ever) involve logical persuasion that you and she should be together.

That persuasion needs to come seamlessly through the connection you create by enjoying the moment and appreciating her for who she is now not what you can make her be in the future.

In the secular world you often see this idea applied with sex. If you want to have sex you need to stop trying (outwardly) to have sex. The phrase is quite over used “the hungry dog doesn’t get fed” but it is true. When a girl senses you care more about the outcome of your conversation than the conversation itself she is immediately turned off.

I’ve noticed a lot of “nice Christian guys” who, in their attempt to be good pure men who don’t just care about sex, loose the psychological reasoning behind those statements. They think that by openly pursing all the time and being that nice attentive guy the girl will inevitable see that logically they are the best choice because they are the nicest.

Not true. Girls don’t like jerks. That’s a myth (for the most part, you’ll see how it seems true in later posts). But when you approach an attractive woman often her first thought is “what do you want from me” or perhaps “not another one”. She’s used to guys who are only thinking about making her their wife (in Christian circles) or sleeping with her (in secular circles and sadly most Christian ones too).

If you can demonstrate that you really are interested in just enjoying her for the moment and not being dependent on some preconceived outcome, you actually have a better chance at something more.


Posted by on November 8, 2011 in James


Tags: , , , , , ,

Rule number One: Don’t Care

Dave noticed Emily the first day of class. She had that “spark” in her eyes, he told his bros. And he knew he liked her from day one. She actually sat next to him in class the next week . . . but he didn’t say anything. Still that was an indicator of interest right? He started researching her. And getting to know her friends. The more I can know the more I can find out what she likes and attract her right? But when it came to the actual approach he grew increasingly nervous. He would make random comments about the class they were in or ask about homework. But whenever he was about to make a move he would think about everything that would go wrong and how that would totally ruin everything he had worked for. Not worth the risk. He had to get it perfect first and then make the approach.

Not exactly. In fact, this is exactly what you don’t want to do. Ever 

Never care so much about the game that your actual happiness as a person is affected by it. Your happiness and contentment needs to be completely unrelated to you getting the girl (or guy) you are interested in. Once you begin investing too much personal interest you will lose.

Why? Psychologically it is unhealthy for us to “need” someone to fill a whole. We need friendships and relationships in general in life for sure. But when you invest your emotional wellbeing in someone you barely know like that you broadcasting insecurity and neediness. These two characteristics are not what make you attractive. Trust me.

Solution? Don’t care? Enjoy meeting her because you’re a fun guy who loves to meet new people. With that in mind meeting her friend could be just as fun. If she is actually a charming person then the conversation will be enjoyable for the both of you (unless you aren’t a charming person, in that case go back to the drawing board and become one, no joke). And you don’t lose anything if she walks away!

That’s key. If you are happy and content in your life, enjoying the moment and pursing what you want in life, you’re not going to lose anything when she walks away. What’s meant to be will always be. If she’s meant to be with you she’ll come back. You made a good impression by showing that your confidence and freedom that come from being a man with a purpose outside of needing girls to fill an emotional vacuum.

Girls. Same goes for you. Don’t worry so much about the outcome of a coffee date. Why does it have to turn into a relationship? Or why are you worried you might not actually like him when he asks you out? If he sucks that bad say no. If not just have fun. The end. Don’t care about the outcome or you will be sure to procure yourself heart ache and emotional baggage with every guy. Marriage is great but stop thinking about it till a guy asks you.

If you haven’t taken the time to invest in some real friends now might be the time do so. Do you have people you can count on? You can share with? If not your only that much more needy and that much more likely to scare a decent guy or girl off for good. Care about your friends. But not about outcomes. Especially with that girl you just met. For all you know she could be your worst nightmare seducing you with an angelic mask.


Posted by on November 6, 2011 in James


Tags: , , , , , , , ,

%d bloggers like this: