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Myths about Friends with Benefits


Although my poll is not a scientific one, so far the results show that 60% of my readers believe that friend’s with benefits is never a wise idea.

This is the expected answer in Christian circles and I would presume that most of my readers are Christians. However, I would guess that in practice the actual number is much lower. Perhaps that is why some of us feel it is unwise, we have practiced it and had negative consequences.

Unfortunately most people learn by trial and error and not by other people’s advice. Especially when hormones and emotions are involved.

However, if we define friends with benefits as any amount of physical relationship (from cuddling onward) that is not a committed exclusive one; then I think we could say that most of us have had this type of relationship before. And that is the definition of friends with benefits I will use in this series. I’m not just talking about friends that have sex. I’m talking about all levels: cuddling, making out, Christian sex, etc.

So if you still believe friends with benefits is morally wrong (biblically) despite my definition and my assumption of actual practice, let me challenge you thinking once more:

Do you believe that some sort of physical relationship (holding hands, kissing and making out, are ok according to another poll we did) during a committed dating relationship is ok?

If so have you had been fully committed and then broken up?

Have you have thought you would marry someone and allowed yourself to go further physically than you would otherwise and then found it didn’t work out?

How many of your friends married their freshman boyfriend?

How many of you were quite physical with him?

Where do we get our standards for physical morality?

Is it from the Bible? Read out previous series to learn more about how far is too far and the like in a healthy physical relationship.

Did you know that the Bible only makes one distinction when it comes to relationships? Married and unmarried.

So what if we agree with the last series and say that physical needs to progress slowly with increasing intimacy toward marriage (I would agree with that for sure). This would involve a physical relationship to some extent outside of marriage. However, the Bible from which we get our morality would consider this simply a friendship, especially before engagement (remember marriage or no marriage is the paradigm).

Therefore, would it not be reasonable that if it was Biblically wrong to be friends with benefits than it would be biblically wrong to be dating with benefits?

If the average person have four failed relationships before marriage, aren’t your chances of a serious relationship not ending in marriage greater than the other way around?

If we liken dating to marriage instead of to friendship than wouldn’t it be more like a divorce when you break up after being physical?

And if God hate’s divorce wouldn’t it be better to wait until you are both 100% sure you will spend the rest of life together before advancing physically?

I’m only trying to challenge conventional thought not give an opinion here. The following articles with seek to address some of the practical ins and outs of friend’s with benefits without delving to deeply into the moral issues. That’s for you to decide. Happy reading!

 
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Posted by on October 14, 2012 in James

 

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Won’t my boyfriend be less likely to marry me if we have sex?


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Continuing the theme of sex and dating, I was thinking about one of the most common arguments that older people presented me as to why a girl should save her body for marriage: if the guy gets your body beforehand, he has what he wants without commitment, and will most likely not ask you to marry him.

When I first started dating, I fully believed this idea. As a guy I honestly thought that once I had sex with my girlfriend, a switch would turn in my head and I would no longer love her, I would simply want her body. Sex is a very emotionally connecting part of a relationship so it just made sense that to mess up God’s plan would mess up the relationship.

However, women, this does not seem to hold weight in real life. If a guy is going to respect you and your body and truly loves you, sex will not make a difference in that. Sex is a biological drive that both men and women have (in fact, many women are now openly refuting the myth that men have a stronger drive than women). But its not all there is a to a relationship or to a woman’s value to a man.

While sex is a unique bond that is best made in marriage, it is not the end prize that a guy is looking for. After all, if all he wanted was that couldn’t he just hook up with any attractive girl and save the ones he actually liked to be “just friends” from any ensuing emotional damage?

A guy’s respect and value of a woman is based on much more than sex. At least that’s the way a Christian guy should be. He should see you as a best friend, a companion, someone to pursue life’s dreams with, someone to support him in his endeavors, someone he believes in enough to support their endeavors as well. Sex is a wonderful part of this value, but should by no means be the sum of it.

The danger I see with this viewpoint is that you might start viewing sex as a tool. If I withhold my body from him he will marry me. But now that we’re married I wonder what else I can get him to do for sex. Maybe I should show him I expect flowers and massage before we have sex. Or if he doesn’t help with the dishes he doesn’t get any.

I don’t think a lot of women consciously think it through like this, but I can’t tell you the number of marriages I hear of where this is exactly how it plays out. Some women have made sex such a tool that they will gladly pleasure themselves to reduce their drive when their husband is around, making it even harder for him. In the end these women are hurting themselves as much as their husbands.

So do I agree with “why should he buy the cow when the milk is free”? No. Unless you’re a dairy cow and the only thing you’re good for is milk. Practice abstinence for the right reasons: because it saves your body and your heart for the person you are committed to. Don’t do it out of fear of losing your boyfriend or as a tool to get your way. If he doesn’t value you after sex, he probably didn’t value you before.

 
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Posted by on February 18, 2012 in James

 

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Why Christian girls are starting to date non-Christian guys?


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Do you know any solid Christian girls who are becoming seriously interested in a non-Christian guy? Does this surprise you or shock you in any way?

There was once a time in my idealistic past where I thought that all “good” Christian girls would automatically eliminate any non-Christian as an option in their dating pursuits. Idealism long gone, I now see Christian girls dating non-Christian guys as quite a possibility and in fact perhaps a growing trend.

In our last two posts we discussed how Christian dating has elevated this idea of abstinence to such a level, making the v-card (technical as it may be) a highly prized possession. While we would not say abstinence till marriage is a bad idea, we are saying playing games with our actions and our words in this area may not be healthy either.

What I’m getting at is this: it seems that very outward signs of Christianity such as not drinking, being a worship major, wearing modest closes, and of course abstinence, have been elevated to such a level as to neglect other perhaps more or equally important areas.

What about the idea of being understanding toward your wife (1 Peter 3:7). Paul talks about loving your wife and not being harsh with her. These ideas of love and understanding make me think that they are talking about empathy: simply understanding a woman’s point of view, thinking through her mindset, and respecting and loving that different view point.

What about the idea of being a leader. We’ve covered significantly the subject of men not being able to be leaders and make decisions and how women struggle with that. Some Christian guys take it too far and become dominant and controlling. This is a much an insecurity and the inability to make decisions.

What about the concept of practicing what you preach? If you’re going to quote scriptures and condemn those heathens who aren’t living according to the Word you better be sure you are living up to those lofty standards.

I could go on. The point is that I see many Christian women struggling to find a good Christian guy who has more than just a few outwardly noticeable morals, a man who realizes that a relationship with his wife means more than just quoting some Scripture and expecting her to submit. Its more than being a worship leader or sending the kids to Christian school. Its a lifestyle of self-sacrifice and joyful servant leadership.

So these girls are looking for that elsewhere. And because of teaching about marriage being a good thing (and it is) and sex before it being a bad thing (once again), these girls are willing to consider non-Christians who seem to get it, even if they may be missing the spiritual aspect.

And certainly Christianity has become an outward shell for many Christian women too, which may have them thinking “if he just goes to church he’s good enough”. If all you want is acceptance in the Christian sub-culture that probably is good enough.

 

 
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Posted by on February 17, 2012 in James

 

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