“I’ll never meet another guy who understands me like he does”

The scarcity mindset: Ladies

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One thing I’ve noticed is that a lot of women tend to fall in love (so to speak) with these guys that seriously seem way less than what they deserve. The guy may be lazy, inexperienced, a jerk, or just immature, but the girls is stuck on the idea that he is the one for her. Of course, we all get that passionate vague feeling of being in love with someone and thinking that they are our soul mate, and then regretfully realizing later we were wrong. But what about the girls who actually settle for and marry these guys?

I’ve talked to several women in dating relationships like this and have observed probably a hundred more. A common thing I notice is this, “he’s the best I can get, I’ll never meet another guy who [fill in the blank here] like he does, I know he’s not perfect but there aren’t many good guys left”.

Not to bore you with economics, but this is what would be called a scarcity mentality. What they mean is that you believe there are only a very limited number of opportunities for you to have a decent relationship. And if you pass up too many of them you might end up single and alone forever.

This is a scary thought for many Christian women who grew up with dreams of a family and a Godly stable home. While these might be good things to desire, looking at the many couples who follow that path (getting married early into what an outsider might correctly guess to be a mismatched relationship) don’t seem to be very happy a few years down the road when the bills and the babies are due and their dream isn’t so desirable anymore.

So are there really only a limited number of good guys out there for you ladies? Perhaps. But by good I mean sweep you off your feel, romantic, strong, Godly, hardworking, emotionally understanding, sexy . . . basically a perfect guy who barely if ever exists. But if you mean good by most people’s standards, someone who’s a good companion, who you find attractive, who loves you and love God the best he can, there are hundreds and thousands of these out there. Trust me if this guy isn’t working out you have till you’re at least 30 to find another one. And chances are if you’re still in college now you could find 30 more such guys by the time you reach that age.

I know it’s easy to think in a relationship that he’s the only guy who knows you this way, and it will take time to grow a new relationship. But seriously, there are thousands of good guys out there if you take the time to meet them, and go where they are so they can meet you.

The danger with thinking that the good guy pool is limited is that you become desperate; you are easily persuaded to fall in love with someone who isn’t a good match for you. And then you may lose moral standards, you may lose friends; you may lose your first marriage. Remember a relationship is a lot of work so I wouldn’t recommend dating around carelessly. But if this one isn’t working don’t despair. There is not a scarcity of men in this world.

 

False Value: How we play games to increase our value and make it look like we have something we don’t

Value. This is what all of us are ultimately trying to add to our lives through relationships of one sort or another. Admit it, even if you are the innocent girl waiting for God to write your fairy tale love story, ultimately you want this love story because it will make you feel happy and secure and loved. You want to add real value to your life. Similarly for the most pragmatic, logical guy looking for the perfectly compatible mate: what you really want is someone who has enough value to you to add value to your life.

So what about when we meet someone we deem as more valuable than are? What if we really want this person? How can we offer them something of value when they seem totally content with what they have?

Girls what about that hot guy you just met that you’ve been hanging out with that seems to have it all. He is popular, he’s funny, and you love spending time with him. And yet there just really doesn’t seem to be anything you can offer him that he doesn’t have to make him want you.

Or guys, what about that girl that is independent and driven. She doesn’t need a man to feel secure. She has a plan and isn’t just waiting around for you to sweep her off her feet. This makes her all the more attractive to you. And yet. What do you have to offer her that she doesn’t already have? What would make her want you in her life?

And this is where we begin to play the game of creating false value.

One way a lot of girls do this is with sex. While I do not have as much experience in the secular world, it would seem that post college sex games are less common: people finally realize that sex is mutually beneficial and stop using it as a tool. But as the economist Steven Levitt once said: guys have always wanted more sex than there are women willing to give it to them for free. So many woman will capitalize on this alluring the guy through sexual attraction and then constantly teasing him either by occasionally giving in or by promising sex once a certain level of commitment has been reached.

I might receive a lot of flak for saying this and am willing to admit I am wrong, but it seems that a large percentage of Christian marriages happen because of this subtle understanding that the guy doesn’t get sex unless he marries the girl. While I would argue there are good psychological and moral reasons to wait for marriage, withholding sex as a tool to make yourself appear more valuable and to get what you want in other areas of a relationship is counter productive.

A second way of creating false value is to make the other person think they are missing something. You create discontentment in their hearts and cause them to think that they cannot live without something they previously were not even aware of. This can often manifest itself as false dependence. A perfectly happy content girl becomes dependent on a guy because he created a false dependency. She may have been fine driving four hours home to visit her family until he traveled with her and suddenly she couldn’t make the trip without his charming company. I call this false dependence because she wasn’t looking for a need to be met; he created a need by offering her something than causing her to imagine it being taken away.

This is fundamentally what marketing is. Making you miss something you didn’t have before by offering it to you and then taking it away. Being aware of the way these feelings are created can help protect you from falling from someone that you wouldn’t otherwise want.

A third way that we play games to create value is by creating false scarcity and demand. Everyone knows that person who always waits a few hours to respond to a text or phone call just to make it seem like they are busier. Many people don’t even think about this but do it out of procrastination. Others however, use this as a mind game. Guys will often disappear for a few days after a romantic night. Girls might say they are busy then be sure that they are seen with other guys in public.

This is basic economics. Because we as humans naturally want what we can’t have, high demand and/or low supply are two things that attract people. If a girl believes a guy to be “out of her league” she might try to appear as if lots of other guys want her so he will wonder what the big deal is. Alternatively, she can make herself seem quite busy every time he wants to see her thus giving the allusion of being scarce.

Most of these games are played sub-consciously. And I’m not necessarily saying they are good or bad. However two words of caution: if you are the one playing the game remember that other may realize what you are doing and your value could diminish greatly in their eyes. If you are the one being played learn to recognize the person’s true value and not be fooled by games. Playing the game is part of how dating works, but some people take it too far by creating false expectations of who they really are without adding any REAL value to your life at all.