Monthly Archives: June 2012

#05 Don’t have expectations: How to talk to Girls Series

ImageWhen you go to talk to a girl that you like one of the problems we have is that we get all these fantasies about being her boyfriend and dating her and all, that we psych ourselves out. Girls do this too. They get all dreamy eyed and start talking about this guy as if they were dating, when in reality they’ve hardly met him.

Expectations kill your ability to act natural. They make you feel awkward and take away confidence. We have this problem of expecting something to happen rather than enjoying the moment.

This can go both ways: on the one hand we might expect that things won’t go well. We might think this girl is way out of our league so how could she like to talk to me. She couldn’t be really interested in me so why waste my time. Look at her she has style and class, and my hair looks stupid today. And look at all the other guys talking to her. She probably has lots of options.

We set ourselves up for failure by thinking through things too much. We really don’t know if any of that is true. For all we really know she might be dying for you to talk to her but is too shy to initiate the conversation.

The other way this can go is setting up expectations of success too high. Or maybe we just aren’t defining success correctly. Success is talking to the girl, having a good time, meeting someone new, having a good story to tell. Success is not getting her number (eventually you need some of those but don’t worry about it now). Success is not taking her home, getting a girlfriend, falling in love, impressing your buddies.

I often tell people if they can remember one thing about meeting girls (or guys) is don’t have expectations. And this goes on into the relationships should one develop down the road: even marriage. But read our other posts to learn more about that. Expectations kill relationships bro. Seriously. 


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#01 Introduction: How to talk to Girls Series

#02 Get out there: How to talk to Girls Series

#03 Talk to people who seem more important than you: How to talk to Girls Series

#04 The three second rule: How to talk to Girls Series

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Posted by on June 28, 2012 in Uncategorized


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#04 The three second rule: How to talk to Girls Series


ImageEver been hanging out and seen this girl you really find attractive. You want to go talk to her so bad. She looks so fine. Your friend says she’s a great catch and not dating anyone. You catch her eye. You look away. You aimlessly wander toward her. Glazed eyes. Looking at the floor. You sit near her but not in her circle. You pretend to text a friend.


By now you’ve lost the courage and you saunter away trying to convince yourself she wasn’t that great anyway.


When you see a girl you want to talk to, try to talk to her within three seconds of making eye contact. That is not much time. You don’t want to appear too eager, but try to get out there and converse with her as quickly as possible. This is not something I came up with. Numerous relationship experts agree with this as a principle. Perhaps it’s because our first impressions are often formed in less than three seconds.


This does not mean making a beeline across the room toward her as soon as you spot her. What it does mean is be direct. Be the man. Go talk to a girl. If she doesn’t’ like you so what. Have a good time anyway. But don’t wander aimlessly checking text messages you didn’t get. Talk to her.


And don’t waste your time thinking forever about what to say. Just be yourself. If it’s awkward at first it will get better. I promise. Remember three seconds is not enough time for her to think about all the reasons she wouldn’t want to talk to you or you enough time to chicken out. It’s the right amount of time to make eye contact, hopefully exemplify courage and confidence and then make contact.


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Posted by on June 21, 2012 in Uncategorized


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#03 Talk to people who seem more important than you: How to talk to Girls Series

Why would you want to do that? How does talking to more important people have anything to do with getting girls?

One thing that most guys struggle with is this: when they meet a girl they really like they start treating her different, as if she was on a pedestal above every other woman. Sure maybe she is great for you, but seriously bro is she really 10 times better than every other woman in the world? I highly doubt it.

And even if she is, not every girl wants a suck up.

So here’s the problem: we treat girls we like as if we are their little b****s. And girls we don’t like? Well we’re fun and carefree and adventurous and bold and confident (hmmm sounds like a recipe for attraction.

To get over this problem it is often helpful to simply get comfortable talking to so called important people. Talk to some doctors or lawyers. Try joking around with them or teasing them. Talk to an important pastor. Learn to think of him as your buddy, in a respectful sort of way. Talk to that guy who intimidates you. Hang out with a group of people who you don’t feel comfortable with. Hang out with someone who is better off financially than you.

The goal is this: get used to thinking of people as  . . . well as people. Just because I have a doctorate behind my name (or a sexy face and blonde hair) doesn’t mean I’m actually a better person than you or anyone else. I might be a jerk and a terrible physician who cheated his way through med school and likes to party more than care for my patients.

Practical tips: talk to two people this week who you think are more important than you in some way. Ask for their advice on something. Than give them some advice or a piece of wisdom. Tell them to do something in a polite way. Imagine that you are their boss (a nice boss) and need them to do something for you.

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Posted by on June 18, 2012 in Uncategorized


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#02 Get out there: How to talk to Girls Series

Get off your butt bro. Seriously. Get off the computer or PS3 and get out there. If you want to meet girls you got to get out there and meet them. Go out to places where girls hang out. This could be a coffee shop, a bar, a restaurant, a social area, your friends how who doesn’t sit around all day and play video games.

The point is to meet girls you have to be where the girls are. You can’t wait for them to come to you. Try throwing social gatherings at your house and inviting people who have lots of friends. Ask them to bring whoever they want especially people you don’t know.

Most girls love meeting new people. It builds their social network and helps them get that much closure to meeting the illusive soul mate that they all want (sarcasm intended). But they won’t ever meet you and all your charm if you are not trying. If you are like me sitting at home writing blogs all day long, you probably won’t be meeting very many girls.

Practical tips: go out at least twice a week to an environment where you will be forced to at least say high to a few people you don’t know. Ever town has social gatherings whether it’s a dance or a concert or a party or church. Commit this week to start going out. Also: commit to saying yes. Not in a retarded fashion (Like the movie), but say yes to every invite to hang out with people. Even if they aren’t your favorite people they might have some good friends!

Ideas on where to meet girls: night clubs, church, bars, sporting events, dinner parties, coffee, classes, work, gym, laundry, farmers market, recreation areas, etc.

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Posted by on June 14, 2012 in James


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#01 Introduction, How to talk to Girls Series

How many girls out there have had a guy they wish would just hurry up and ask them out? How many guys have had a girl they really like but just can’t seem to go up and talk to her?

When we started this website, one of the motivations behind it was to help “nice guys” develop the confidence and social abilities to actually talk to the girls they want. So many times the nice guy gets screwed. Either he is too nice and gets trampled on by girls or he just lacks the confidents that the “jerks” seem to have.

This works out bad for the guys because they feel like they just have to take what they can get. A lot of men live with that mindset, I just have to wait until a girl likes me and then jump on it or I might not have another chance.

This also works out bad for the girls because they often find themselves torn between being attracted to the confident adventurous side of a guy who tends to be more of a jerk and desiring to have a guy who treats them really well but unfortunately lacks confidence. Girls often make the more emotional choice and choose the guy who doesn’t treat them as well because of the feeling of adventure he brings.

Over the next month, I am going to be writing a ten or more part series on the basics of how to talk to girls. This is not just for guys those. I want women to comment to give advice too. I want the guys who read this to have real input from the women who read it.


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Posted by on June 12, 2012 in James, Uncategorized


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Strength Misplaced

Guest post by the great authors of Joy in Relationships

What does Western society value in a man? Athletes, actors, and musicians make the answer fairly clear. Let’s take a quick look at the defining characteristics of the most successful men in their industry.

Athlete: Tom Brady. Tom Brady is one of the most successful quarterbacks of this era, if not NFL history. Not only has he reached the peak of football success, but he has been featured on the cover of many men’s (and women’s) magazines, also modeling in a plethora of advertisements and endorsement deals. If that weren’t enough, he married one of the highest-profile Brazilian supermodels in the world after having had a child with a differently incredibly attractive actress.

Actor: Matt Damon. He’s tough. He’s brilliant. He’s funny. He’s a Harvard graduate. He wrote the scripts to one of the best movies ever (IMO), and was awarded People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 2007. Enough said.

Musician: Shawn Carter, aka Jay-Z. Arguably one of the best lyricists to grab a mic since Tupac, Jay-Z also married one of the most attractive female pop artists in the industry, and has earned more than $200 Million in the last 4 years. His label currently has signed a few of the hottest artists on the market (Rihanna and Kanye West.)

The common thread between these three men is fairly consistently woven; these celebrities are admired and emulated because 1) they are at the very top of their profession enjoying the power and influence that such a position affords , 2) are abnormally attractive (or in Jay-Z’s case they have abnormally attractive women), and 3) they possess obscene amounts of money.

While there are very few Jay-Zs and Tom Bradys in the world, these 3 criteria by which the world judges successful manhood are still important in smaller ways to smaller people.. but it happens everywhere, even in Christianity. All men are drawn to these things, and it isn’t a new problem. The apostle in 1 John 2:16 sums up worldliness in 3 ways that I believe my list of 3 things is compatible with. There are 1) the desires of the flesh (recognition/success), 2) the desires of the eyes (women and sex), and 3) the boastful pride of life (power/money). Especially as younger men, we value and hold up these celebrities as paragons of masculinity because they’ve achieved what the average Joe cannot. In a smaller context, we value the BMOC (big man on campus) because he gets recognized for being the stud athlete that gets the hottest girls. The irony is that most often, the BMOC is often one of the most miserable, because he can never have enough.

While we as young men as pulled in so many different direction by our fleshly desires, God does give true marks of manliness for which we can strive and pray to have strength enough to attain.

In Titus 2 and 1 Timothy 4, Paul gives the following instructions:

1) Be self-controlled (6)
2) In all respects, be a model of good works (7)
3) In teaching, show yourself to have integrity and honor (7)
4) Exhibit sound speech that cannot be condemned (8)

5) Have nothing to do with irreverent, silly stories or falsehoods (7)
6) Train yourself for godliness (7)

These are just a few of the many characteristics of a man that God values; and unlike the BMOC, they are characteristics that will enlarge our capacity for joy and also serve others in the process.

Like I mentioned, the BMOC is often incredibly miserable. I have never been the BMOC, but one of my best friends in high school was to a “t”. He dated the most attractive girls, got invited to the best parties, was respected by the smart kids for hardly studying and getting incredible grades, was respected by the athletes as the captain of the soccer team.. I could go on. Here’s the point. It’s been a few years since graduation, and he is miserable. He realized that not having real friendships doesn’t last forever and the girls he’s actually interested in marrying aren’t interested in him at all. He had everything, now he has almost nothing.

What is the solution? I’ll tell you what the solution isn’t. The solution isn’t to do more, try harder, and work as hard as you can to define your life by the six things that Paul says. If you do, you will have merely replaced one set of legalistic standards (if I can attain power I will have joy) for another set of legalistic standards (if I can attain this biblical criteria I will have joy).

We can never have joy by accomplishing thing “x” by the merits of our own willpower to be better people or better Christians; if that were true, then it would mean that joy is able to be manufactured inside ourselves; and if that were true, then we would have no need for God; and if that were true, we are wasting our lives.

As is always the solution, if you see that the 6 things that should characterize real men are not true of you, then the only real solution is to fall on your knees and ask that God put you through situations to soften your heart and make you a real man who desires to serve and love selflessly in a way that only a Spirit-filled God-saturated man can.

Don’t forget to check out to read more of this author’s great work!

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Posted by on June 6, 2012 in Uncategorized


But what will my friends think if I spend the night with my boyfriend?

If you’re just getting started go read part one of this article firstShould I spend the night with my boyfriend?.

Friend’s opinions effect our decisions more than we would like to admit. I’ve noticed with many women that other’s opinions of their actions matter more to them than whether or not their actions are right or wrong. Interest isn’t it.

We talk so much in Christian dating about doing the right thing, honoring God, obeying his word. And yet most of our decisions have absolutely nothing to do with that. They have more to do with what our best friend thinks, what our mom would think if she knew, what that lady from church would say if she found out.

My advice is stop listening to them. Get their advice for sure and think about it. But decide your standards beforehand. And if they recommend something that disagrees with you just say “thanks for your thoughts, I will certainly keep that in mind”. Smile. And change the subject. I’ve seen so many couples who are already married and still in bondage to what the parents and in-laws think or what the couple next door is doing. It’s not healthy. Advice is good. Worrying about your reputation isn’t always so good.

Ultimately you should base your decision on your conscience. If you have thought about the Word of God (if that is important to you) and come up with morals you believe you should live by, don’t violate them. Who cares if your best friends “can’t believe you would do something like that!” You are going to live with your husband. Your best friend may move to Canada and leave you.

If you feel you can be self-controlled and you’ve weighed the risk and listened to older couple’s advice, then spend the night a few times to get used to it. I know this is no kosher Christian advice and I don’t mean to say “do what’s right for you and I’ll do what’s right for me, it’s all relative anyway”. It’s not, but I can’t decide your morals for you. If you really feel its ok, stop worrying about what the girls in your Bible study think. They should stop judging and start loving.

Christians often forget to model their lives after the life of Jesus. When one looks at how Jesus conducted himself, he was more often at odds with the religious right wing conservatives of his day. He was more interested in his follower’s hearts than in their specific actions. He seemed to want his followers to go out and love rather than worry about following a rule book.

Jesus forgave prostitutes and adulteresses while condemned the “righteous”. That would be like Jesus coming to you after you’ve messed up with your boyfriend, “Look I know you’ve done wrong, but I forgive you, go and sin no more” and then turning to the pure innocent friend who hasn’t even kissed her boyfriend and is looking down on you and saying “why do you judge, do you think that you have won my approval by following a set of rules at the expense of loving my daughter here?”

Morals are good. But if you don’t know how to advocate for them without being judgmental, condemning, unloving, or hypocritical than maybe you should spend more time working on yourself than on those around you.

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Posted by on June 6, 2012 in James

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