Tag Archives: rules

Girls: The Chase Goes Both Ways

 I think in Christian/evangelical communities there is this idea: “the guy is the initiator.”

This is a good idea- it really is. For the most part however, I think girls over do it. What I mean by that is that they think they’re supposed to only “wait and pray” and God and the boy will work things out. I’ve had this discussion one too many times with my female friends, with not much avail. It seems to be a given: guys are supposed to initiate and the girl is supposed to respond… These are principles from the Bible  and they are good. I think God is an initiator, He initiates a relationship with us and we respond, and to that end, men should do the same. It’s also said that “the man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” For a guy to leave his family, he must be pursuing a new one and that starts with his pursuing his future wife.

So guys chase. To a certain extent it’s even natural. But what happens next?

You see… many girls have never thought after that. They assume it’s plug and play, things will work out… the guy will continue the chasing. Some of my friends think the chase will go for the rest of their lives. Well, that would be nice, but we don’t leave in fairy tales. In the real world, it hardly ever works out like that. And I don’t think it’s supposed to.

So many times people approach relationship from the point of view:  “I gotta weed out the bad options” or “I don’t think there’s a good fit here” and they play the game, the date, the relationship quite defensive. It’s like asking “are you good enough to make it through my gauntlet”. And granted, there should be one. In the end, you’ll end up with one.

But interestingly enough, I’ve noticed that people who approach dating and relationships with this mindset forget to play offensive. What I mean by that is that they are so worried with being chased by the right person that they forget to chase back. Or the play so hard to get that they guys gets exhausted. Not fun.

Relationships are a two way street- all relationships are. IF you want to be chased, you gotta chase at some point. If you want somebody intentional toward you, you have to be intentional back. It’s just the way life works. It’s how healthy relationships work.

I’ve seen couples who do the chasing back and forth: it’s an intentional relationship. It’s intentional in getting to know the other persona and it’s intentionally in getting to be known. It’s given and take, and it’s refreshing for both partners.

To be loved is to be known. Everybody wants to be loved and everybody wants to be know- and that starts with chasing.


Posted by on November 10, 2011 in Jack


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Rule number One: Don’t Care

Dave noticed Emily the first day of class. She had that “spark” in her eyes, he told his bros. And he knew he liked her from day one. She actually sat next to him in class the next week . . . but he didn’t say anything. Still that was an indicator of interest right? He started researching her. And getting to know her friends. The more I can know the more I can find out what she likes and attract her right? But when it came to the actual approach he grew increasingly nervous. He would make random comments about the class they were in or ask about homework. But whenever he was about to make a move he would think about everything that would go wrong and how that would totally ruin everything he had worked for. Not worth the risk. He had to get it perfect first and then make the approach.

Not exactly. In fact, this is exactly what you don’t want to do. Ever 

Never care so much about the game that your actual happiness as a person is affected by it. Your happiness and contentment needs to be completely unrelated to you getting the girl (or guy) you are interested in. Once you begin investing too much personal interest you will lose.

Why? Psychologically it is unhealthy for us to “need” someone to fill a whole. We need friendships and relationships in general in life for sure. But when you invest your emotional wellbeing in someone you barely know like that you broadcasting insecurity and neediness. These two characteristics are not what make you attractive. Trust me.

Solution? Don’t care? Enjoy meeting her because you’re a fun guy who loves to meet new people. With that in mind meeting her friend could be just as fun. If she is actually a charming person then the conversation will be enjoyable for the both of you (unless you aren’t a charming person, in that case go back to the drawing board and become one, no joke). And you don’t lose anything if she walks away!

That’s key. If you are happy and content in your life, enjoying the moment and pursing what you want in life, you’re not going to lose anything when she walks away. What’s meant to be will always be. If she’s meant to be with you she’ll come back. You made a good impression by showing that your confidence and freedom that come from being a man with a purpose outside of needing girls to fill an emotional vacuum.

Girls. Same goes for you. Don’t worry so much about the outcome of a coffee date. Why does it have to turn into a relationship? Or why are you worried you might not actually like him when he asks you out? If he sucks that bad say no. If not just have fun. The end. Don’t care about the outcome or you will be sure to procure yourself heart ache and emotional baggage with every guy. Marriage is great but stop thinking about it till a guy asks you.

If you haven’t taken the time to invest in some real friends now might be the time do so. Do you have people you can count on? You can share with? If not your only that much more needy and that much more likely to scare a decent guy or girl off for good. Care about your friends. But not about outcomes. Especially with that girl you just met. For all you know she could be your worst nightmare seducing you with an angelic mask.


Posted by on November 6, 2011 in James


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