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“I’ll never meet another guy who understands me like he does”


The scarcity mindset: Ladies

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One thing I’ve noticed is that a lot of women tend to fall in love (so to speak) with these guys that seriously seem way less than what they deserve. The guy may be lazy, inexperienced, a jerk, or just immature, but the girls is stuck on the idea that he is the one for her. Of course, we all get that passionate vague feeling of being in love with someone and thinking that they are our soul mate, and then regretfully realizing later we were wrong. But what about the girls who actually settle for and marry these guys?

I’ve talked to several women in dating relationships like this and have observed probably a hundred more. A common thing I notice is this, “he’s the best I can get, I’ll never meet another guy who [fill in the blank here] like he does, I know he’s not perfect but there aren’t many good guys left”.

Not to bore you with economics, but this is what would be called a scarcity mentality. What they mean is that you believe there are only a very limited number of opportunities for you to have a decent relationship. And if you pass up too many of them you might end up single and alone forever.

This is a scary thought for many Christian women who grew up with dreams of a family and a Godly stable home. While these might be good things to desire, looking at the many couples who follow that path (getting married early into what an outsider might correctly guess to be a mismatched relationship) don’t seem to be very happy a few years down the road when the bills and the babies are due and their dream isn’t so desirable anymore.

So are there really only a limited number of good guys out there for you ladies? Perhaps. But by good I mean sweep you off your feel, romantic, strong, Godly, hardworking, emotionally understanding, sexy . . . basically a perfect guy who barely if ever exists. But if you mean good by most people’s standards, someone who’s a good companion, who you find attractive, who loves you and love God the best he can, there are hundreds and thousands of these out there. Trust me if this guy isn’t working out you have till you’re at least 30 to find another one. And chances are if you’re still in college now you could find 30 more such guys by the time you reach that age.

I know it’s easy to think in a relationship that he’s the only guy who knows you this way, and it will take time to grow a new relationship. But seriously, there are thousands of good guys out there if you take the time to meet them, and go where they are so they can meet you.

The danger with thinking that the good guy pool is limited is that you become desperate; you are easily persuaded to fall in love with someone who isn’t a good match for you. And then you may lose moral standards, you may lose friends; you may lose your first marriage. Remember a relationship is a lot of work so I wouldn’t recommend dating around carelessly. But if this one isn’t working don’t despair. There is not a scarcity of men in this world.

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Posted by on January 23, 2012 in James

 

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Oneitis: Prevention and Treatment (Part 2)


Read Oneitis: Falling in love too quickly (Part 1) first!

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Let’s think back over our own dating experience for a bit. Consider that first person you were in love with. Think about the amazing times you had together, the good memories, the laughter, and amazing way you found them so attractive. If you’ve had even minimal experience, that first love has come and gone and probably several more since then.

Imagine still thinking that person was “the one”. Imagine still pining over that loss of a guy six years ago. If you are you are not alone. However, if you are interested in perhaps considering other options and how to move on, please come talk to me, because I understand it can be hard. But honestly, if we look back we can see how those we were once enchanted with were actually, well quite normal.

Another thing that happens time and time again is hearing the words “I just know you’re the right one, I have peace about it”. Or even scarier in Christian circles is the God mandate. God told me to be with you. But looking back at what actually ends up in happening how many of those relationships that we knew were right or given by God actually ended in disaster?

In the moment it’s hard to remember these past experiences, we are in love and want that happy feeling. But maybe by keeping a brief journal you can remind yourself when you start to fall too quickly: until I say “I do” can I really be certain this is the “one” for me?

And the really scary thing is this: oneitis which creates a desperate desire to make sure you win your love’s heart, can actually do more to push it away! Especially early on in a relationship, we tend to push away those who are clingy and seem desperate. The more secure person (in this case the one without oneitis) is less emotionally attached. They may feel trapped by our passion so early on and may wish to leave us altogether just to be safe.

So how do I still romance this girl I’m into without developing a hard to cure case of oneitis? Or how can I flirt with this guy without getting emotionally attached before he does?

I would suggest having a strong support system of solid friends who are just as important if not more than your romantic interests. You know the phrase bros before hos? I would suggest that this is a good motto for early in relationships (however, a terrible one for long term). And keep them in the loop, especially if you know you tend to fall fast.

Another thing that I find helpful is to force yourself not to see them as often as you could perhaps early on. Maybe talk to a few other people at the same time (this is highly controversial among Christians I know!). At least keep friends of the opposite sex in the picture to some extent as a balance. Don’t ever lie or be a jerk about it, but if you find yourself becoming very attached after a couple of dates maybe not seeing that person for a few days or even a week would help you keep thinking clearly.

Meet new people. Realize that while we are special and unique, there are a lot of us and if one doesn’t work out God will in His timing provide the right person. We have an extra tool against oneitis that most people don’t: our faith. We can trust God to make decisions better than we can and even when we make mistakes to work it out for good. Sometimes I think our entire life is summed up in one short lesson “learning to trust God in EVERYTHING”.

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Posted by on January 18, 2012 in James

 

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Oneitis: Falling in love too quickly (Part 1)


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Oneitis is a phrase coined by the dating powers that be to describe a “social disease that affects millions of people – both male and female – that [blocks] a man or a woman from seducing or romancing a member of the opposite sex. Oneitis is that social malady that results in a feeling that this person is totally special and unique and therefore one must not mess up anything with them.” (From the Urban Dictionary which has several more detailed definitions as well).

The problem with oneitis is this: your feelings begin to control everything you do. And you start to think “if I send one wrong text, make one wrong statement, ask her out one minute too soon, EVERYTHING is ruined and I will have lost the ONLY girl in the world who could truly make me happy.”

Before I go further let me say a brief disclaimer: I’m not saying there isn’t a special person who I right for you. I am saying that no matter how amazing he/she seems right now, if it ends up not working out most likely you just learned that person is NOT that special person and you are that much closer to finding them. So take cheer!

Oneitis usually effects people who think that the sea only has a few good fish in it and you better be quick before the good ones are gone. It also effects desperate people, girls who want a ring by spring, and guys who want sex and are tired of waiting for marriage. Secure, happy, and content people seldom get this malady.

Another way of looking at oneitis is to call it “falling in love too quickly”. Because eventually we want to fall in love and many of us would like to be committed to one amazing person for life, right? But what if you fell in love and start acting like you’re committed for life to a person you hardly know? You might start wondering why they don’t feel the same way and you might start missing out on other life opportunities (this is where phrases like “bros before hos” became popular). Oneitis makes us become controlling and almost desperate because we are acting like we are in love with someone who we haven’t even given the chance to fall back in love with us.

Don’t worry I’m going to talk more about what to do if you have this illness (I’ve had it a number of times so I hope to give some good advice). So look for Part  2 in the next couple of days!

 
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Posted by on January 17, 2012 in James

 

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