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Monthly Archives: March 2012

We’ve moved!


We have moved our blog to a new location:

Christiandatingames.com

We will continue to post blog updates on the New website just as we have here.

However, we will also begin to incorporate a fully organized website that will help you find what you are looking for and make navigation much easier.

Thanks to the thousands of viewers who looked over this blog since October 2011. We hope you will continue to follow us, contribute, and grow with us on our new location.

Start reading NOW

Sincerely, Web admin team

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Posted by on March 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Better to live on a rooftop…


…than with a nagging woman: why nagging is so unbearable for healthy relationships.

We’ve been talking a lot about relationships and what kills them lately. Guys can often be controlling, both men and women can have lofty expectations. One thing that I have seen kill the joy in a number of relationships is a nagging wife or girlfriend.

Before you get defensive, I’d like to say that like controlling boyfriends these women often mean no harm at all. It may just be that you want to make sure your relationships survives because you see so many that don’t and you hope by getting on the guy’s case enough he will take those right steps. Others may notice problems with their man (he likes to smoke and its bad for his lungs) and so they seek to change him by constantly bringing those issues up.

While it is great to want your partner’s best interest, think about yourself ladies: how many times have you almost wanted to do the opposite when your man told you what to do. Even if he said it in a loving way, you may feel that desire to prove him wrong. That’s human nature; we don’t like people trying to change us.

And in fact, we can’t change people. He may give in to stop the nagging but he will grow to resent you in the process and will look for a way to do what he wants behind your back. Real change comes from within, when someone is convinced in their own heart that they need to change, that they want to change, that they can change, and that it’s worth the work that it will take to get there.

 

This post is continued on our new website: Christiandatingames.com

 
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Posted by on March 17, 2012 in James

 

Expectations: the silent killer.


Princesses. White churches. Cherry blossoms.

Every since she was a little girl, she wanted her wedding day to look a certain way… Roses. Champaign. Slow dancing.

Every time she saw a wedding, she got more ideas of how her weeding should be.

Weddings are just one example of how we model expectations…. often by osmosis. We see a cute couple and decide that our life will be like that. We hear a romantic line and decide we’re going to be better. From real life examples to magazines, cartoons, cereals ads and museum painting- each element ads another expectations to what we want our relationships to be like.

Where do you add that in Christian thought, marriage is a “for-life” deal, so whatever deal you make, you better make the best one you can. No pressure. But really, make the best deal you can. And all this from afar- because as soon as you’ve had coffee you’re on a count-down to either rejection or an exclusive relationships.

I’m being a bit sarcastic here…. but let’s be hones: how many times have you not seen this happen? Our expectations, coupled with the exclusivity of marriage make dating relationships incredibly hard. 

So what about expectations makes them so dangerous? Most commonly, the fact that they are silent. They’ve been silent for a while, even subconscious. Some of us may be more vocal about them with our friends, but for the most part they go under the radar, unnoticed, unchecked.

I’ve this scenario one too many times in my life or the lives of my friends: things are going well, the day is unfolding and then snap- something happens. The other person doesn’t know what exactly it was, but something happened, and it killed the mood, the night, the relationship. And often, the other person doesn’t even know what hit them. Sometimes even we don’t know what hit us… we just know that we couldn’t see ourselves with somebody like that.

Expectations are relationship killers because they are silent. They go unsaid, yet wanted. 

And when we dont’ get what we want, we’re not happy campers. The problem is that we never said what we wanted. Often we can’t even name what we want, it’s kinda there – as they say:”you’ll know it when you see it”.

This kind of approach is not healthy. It’s magical, it’s romantic, but it’s not mature. If we are to embark in long-term relationships, we have to employ a better technique than “finding a soul mate that is my other half and makes me happy”.  A mature relationships would require talking about what we want, processing through our life history, our culture and our desires. Expressing our expectations is a grown-up way to go about it. Some of them may be legit, some may not. But either way, the other person can’t meet some of them or address other, until you talk about them.

So do the hard work of figuring out what your expectations are. Work through your history, figure out what has defined them for so long. As you work through that, look for somebody who can meet them and who knows them.

After all, to be loved is not just to be know, but to be know and loved as you are.

 
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Posted by on March 15, 2012 in Jack

 

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Controlling Boyfriends (part 3): What can I do to change?


So what if you are that guy who notices he is the control freak and its ruining his relationship? What can you start doing now to change? Are you ready for some hard work? Are you ready to rewrite the way you think?

I can imagine that most guys don’t want to be controlling. I never did and I’d try to rationalize any way that I could. However, by stepping back and away from the situation I could look and see what my actions really were. So step back. Maybe take some time off. Try to see from the girl’s perspective for a while? Ask yourself “am I trying to ensure that a certain outcome occurs. Do I believe that I won’t be happy unless that outcome occurs? Am I actually less happy by working so hard to control the outcome than I would be if I just let things happen?”

This blog talks a lot about getting what you want. You want the hot guy? Be the hot girl? You want an amazing well rounded wife? Be an amazing well rounded guy, with a sense of direction to boot.  You like your freedom and ability to make your own decisions? Allow your significant other that same freedom and don’t spend your hours imagining infidelity and how she might break your trust.

Practical:

Allow your girl (as if you have a choice) to hang out in settings that include other guys who could and might hit on her. Don’t question what happened. Don’t make yourself present. If you are present (a social gathering you are both attending where she is not necessarily evidently yours) allow her time and space that could invite other men to approach her.

Encourage her to enjoy and participate in activities that you both can’t do together. Maybe you have to work that night. Maybe you plan something with some other people. It’s important to have a life outside of each other. I’ve never been married but I think I can safely say this is important even in marriage. Certainly in dating.

Enjoy with amusement other guys flirting with her even in your presence. Ah this is a hard one. But who is she going home with. Honestly. If your girl is out with you and leaves you to go home with another guy you probably didn’t lose much bro.

Consciously ask more questions and give fewer answers. We love to solve problems (both men and women alike). We want to have a solution for our significant other’s tears and tirades. However, sometimes just asking questions and trying to understand is just what they need: not some well thought solution to a problem.

Try to go an entire week without once telling your girl what to do. Normally you should be assertive and make decisions. But if you struggle with being controlling you may be going to the opposite extreme, making all the decisions without her in mind.

Learn to put yourself in situations where you are out of control. Do this with all areas of life. If you can learn to master the art of controlling yourself when your circumstances are out of your control, you will go a long way in the dating game.

 
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Posted by on March 10, 2012 in James

 

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Controlling boyfriends (part 2): insecurity


I remember once having this girl friend. I felt as if I had to constantly keep tabs on her. I was a boy. Not a man. I texted her constantly. Called her incessantly. Chatted with her while in class. Asked her what she did pretty much all the time. Yes I even stalked her once or twice. I could tell you some funny stories. . . .

The point was I was controlling. Why? Because of one simple fact: I was an insecure boy inside. I had to control my environment in every way because if everything didn’t go according to plan I’d have a melt down! People who know me now might laugh, but I’m not lying.

This is the second reason I think we guys get controlling. We are really just insecure. Maybe we have a somewhat legitimate reason: we’ve been screwed before. Two quick points: this girl is not your ex-girlfriend, and if she is the one who screwed you, why are you still with her? If you’re willing to take the risk she must be worth it so stop worrying, if not walk!

I know it’s easier said than done. But sometimes for our own good (yes I’m talking about putting yourself first, before you can give to someone else you have to fill yourself) you have to walk away from a lot of good memories. But even more important you need to find your value in something other than a great girlfriend that does whatever you want her to.

Now some of us are not insecure because of anything to do with the woman we are dating. We look at other guys and think: he gets more girls because he has better abs, and he gets more girls because he has a nicer car, and he gets more girls because he had a bigger . . . These are often deep rooted insecurities that go back to childhood issues. We need to deal with these before we are capable of having healthy relationships.

When a girl feels crowed and controlled by you, especially for no reason, she will begin to feel insecure. She may look for freedom and wish to escape. All the sudden that guy with swag and style and perhaps a bit lower standards than your own look really appealing. And you’ll be left alone, confirming your fears and reinstating your insecurities.

This is why controlling is so unattractive: the number one reason a lot of young people are scared of commitment is that they don’t want to lose their freedom. I don’t want to lose mine. Why would my girl be any different? And for some petting insecurity of mine? Pathetic? Perhaps, but I’ve been there myself and I know it takes years to deal with.

Up next: how to deal with controlling habits.

 
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Posted by on March 8, 2012 in James

 

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Controlling boyfriends (part 1)


First, you should like me on Facebook here.

There is possibly nothing more unattractive than a controlling boyfriend (except maybe a controlling girlfriend!).

I remember sitting in a coffee shop and overhearing this young dating couple discuss financial issues. The guy was demanding that his girl react to her parent’s lack of support in this situation the way he would react. He was basically asking her to step out of her personality and comfort zone to conform to his way. And he thought he knew just how to do it. He held her hands. Looked deep into her eyes. Put some passion into his voice. He then started telling her “you’re not fine, you’re not fine at all, you need help!” Of course she countered by assuring him she is fine and can take care of herself. But he continued to passionately enforce that “no, you are not fine, you need to listen to me and do what I tell you!”

Ok I don’t know the whole story and I can’t judge, but why do guys feel the need to control their girlfriends?

I’m going to start by standing up for them. Some guys honestly want what’s best for their girls. Girls, how many times have you seen your man make an obviously poor decision and wished you could somehow change his mind. Hopefully you don’t resort to manipulation and nagging (it won’t work on me!). Maybe you’re man is doing the same for you. Maybe he really does know better than you on this particular situation. 

When we see someone doing something we think is going to hurt them sometimes we wish we could control their mind and make them change. We may passionately plead and try. But in the end the decision is theirs. And I think many of us humans have to learn the hard way. And life experience often proves the most condemned decisions end up being the best. So we fight against those who adamantly disapprove of our actions.

Perhaps that’s what the guy in the illustration wanted. He honestly thought he could help his girl out by convincing her somehow to do things her way. In relationships where you as a man feel than your girl is perpetually making poor decisions and you have tried therapeutic reasoning (not boyish whining like I illustrated) you may want to consider a relationship change. Some people just don’t make good life decisions.

Either way we must all realize we can’t change people. We can’t! We can calmly tell our opinion and try to show our reasons, but in the end they make the choice. And often in retrospect if we’d just seen things from their perspective we’d have perhaps thought differently.

So if you feel you must control your girlfriend because she is constantly making poor life decisions, why are you dating her? You can’t save her bro.

And if you sit back and realize you never took the time to get into her shoes, why don’t you stop telling and start asking!

Up next: the other reason that guys are controlling.

 
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Posted by on March 6, 2012 in James

 

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Learning by Doing: Practice Makes Perfect


Have you ever been good at anything from day 1? How many skills that you have now did you always have? And how many did you acquire?

Being good at relationships is a skill that is acquired. 

By doing relationship.

You get good at relationships, by being involved in relationships.

As Christians, we are often afraid of failure. We don’t want to do what’s wrong, we don’t want to mess up. Sometimes we would rather not do something, than do it and fail at it. This mentality often pervades evangelicals. And it inhibits us to do relationships.

“I want my first boyfriend to be my husband”. Great desire, hardly the case. We’ve hear people say that. Straight shot, getting it right from the begging. I’m not saying it can’t be done. I’m saying that we’re not naturally good at it. We learn by practice, we learn by doing. It’s the same with relationships. We learn how to interact with women by having friends who are girls, by spending time doing what they want, seeing the world from their perspective.

Thinking emotionally

It doesn’t come natural for most guys. You’ll have to learn how to think through the prism of emotions. It’s taking other people’s emotions into account. Guys are so factual, they usually don’t pick up on all these relational clues. Emotions is information. If you miss an emotional communication, you’ve missed part of what was being communicated. Guys have to learn to gather that information and process is effectively, thus being an emotional mature person. Emotionally savvy individuals do better in life and business. Oh, an relationships of course.

Thinking factually

Don’t mean to throw blanket statements over there, but some girls may be so overwhelmed by emotions that they are not reasonable. There’s many reasons  why that could happen, yet the same effect- not being reasonable. Knowing how to handle’s one emotions is also part of emotional intelligence. Learning coping skills will make for a better partner.

What I’m trying to say is that we shouldn’t have this expectation that life will just work out. Sometimes it doesn’t and this is not a reflection of your character of choices. It just is. What we can do, is choose a response and choose to grow in maturity. Don’t hope to be good at relationship -become good at relationships. Become by doing. And if you find out that you’re not as good as your thought you were, well, count it as a blessings. It’s a lesson that you can learn to become better.

 

You should follow me on Twitter here!

 
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Posted by on March 2, 2012 in Jack

 

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