Tag Archives: Mr. right

Why are all of my friends getting married and I’m not?

Ring by spring! MRS. Degree. Finding Mr. Right. These are all the subject of many conversations in Christian circles. Marriage is a good thing. Designed by God for our enjoyment and a real reflection of His beauty. Christians also preach abstinence before marriage, simultaneously sweetening the concept. Children are often of higher values. Many Christian girls are even brought up with the notion that they are incomplete until they are connected with the man of their dreams.

So if marriage is so highly sought after and so wonderful, why are all my friends getting their rings and I’m still unhappily waiting?

To start let me ask you a simple question: what are you doing right now to become the best possible girlfriend and wife you can be?

Are you enjoying your favorite TV shows? Working so you can have extra money to spend on cute outfits? Gossiping with your girlfriends and talking about who’s hot and who’s not? Involved in fun activities to fill every moment of your day? Regretting what you don’t have rather than rejoicing in what you do have?

I wouldn’t condemn any of these things (except maybe gossip) but let’s change the perspective. Which would you want the man you eventually marry to spend his college and early adulthood days doing:

  1. Playing video games eventually mastering World of War Craft. Drinking beers with his buddies. Flirting with other hot girls he knows he’ll never date just for fun. Watching football.


  1. Reading books on how to be a better man. Learning to understand women by interacting with ones similar to one he might marry. Cultivating healthy lifestyle habits. Pursuing a career that could support a family.

My guess is that most of you would pick number two. So putting the ball back in your court: what are you doing to make yourself that charming, appealing, helpful, hardworking, respectable woman that a guy might want? Are you pining away with jealousy every time another one of your friends says “yes!” or are you praising God that you have that much more time to become an even more irresistible woman?

Think about how much you prepared for college. It all started when your parents taught you the basics of life like not touching hot stoves and doing your laundry. You learned to read. Math. Social interaction. Writing. Driving. Interpersonal skills. For the first 18 years of your life you were being prepared to leave the home and go to college in the “real” world. Wouldn’t it seem right to put that much effort into something that should last a lifetime?

Once you’ve started down the right track of preparing for marriage you can start the often painful step of realizing why perhaps you aren’t getting snatched up. Perhaps you have a tendency to nag? Any guy who understands women and can emotionally connect with them can spot a nagging type woman often on the first date. If he is secure and willing to wait for the right girl, he will turn this one down without thinking.

Or maybe you are given to a negative attitude. You may be a beautiful girl with the most perfect smile and gorgeous curves. You may be more intelligent than the guy’s law school buddies. But if he senses a negative approach toward life he may look down the years of the future and realize a lifetime of negativity is not worth your company.

Here’s another thing to consider which may make some quite angry but I have to bring it up because rightly or wrongly it’s so important in today’s world: do you take care of yourself physically? Do you dress attractively? Do you eat right? Do you work out regularly? No guy in his right mind is looking for a Victoria Secret model. In fact, many guys prefer much more curvy women. But few guys want someone who is unhealthy or seriously overweight.

I saw an episode of “Lie to Me” where the lie detectors determine that a woman was motivated to pursue a guy because of his money. She loved him from her heart but had initially gone for him because he was wealthy. But before allowing him to ditch her in anger, the team of psychologists aptly pointed out “didn’t you desire her for her beauty?” He truly loved her, but that initial attraction was sparked by her outward beauty.

So before you judge a guy for initially being attracted primarily by your looks think to yourself: what was the reason I was initially attracted?

One final thought. Perhaps the reason your friends are getting married is because they are trying but not appearing to try. What do I mean?

To get a guy you need to go where they are. Meet them. Spend time with them. Become what the guy of your dreams would dream about. But when you meet him you can’t appear desperate. You have to be relaxed and happy with or without him. Be your best, but do so even when he’s not around so you don’t act differently in front of him.


Posted by on December 14, 2011 in James


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How to get Mr. Right

In brief:

Define Mr. Right. Write it down. Don’t be afraid to have exact things you want in a guy. In fact, review your list at least once a week and add to it or change it as you grow. This will keep you from falling for Mr. Good when you could have Mr. Great. After all being good at something is often the greatest thing keeping us from being great. And if you don’t know what you want, please don’t start a serious marriage kind of relationship till you find out. Just date around. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as you are honest.

Stop trying to get him. Counterintuitive? I’m sure you’ve heard a story of the girl who is so thankful she didn’t stop trying to find the right guy because eventually she got him. But here’s the point I’m making. If you are so worried about meeting the right guy and getting your life fulfilled by him, you will emanate insecurity, neediness, and lack personal growth. Instead focus on being the woman you want to be. Don’t be so worried about finding the right guy. He will naturally be attracted to you if you are working to become attractive. Not just for him but for yourself. The more satisfied you are with yourself and happy you are without a man, the more likely you are to simply attract the right man without even trying.

Go where Mr. Right type guys go. Now remember you not trying to get Mr. Right. You’re just trying to shine in those areas where he is apt to be. You’re not going to hang out with guys who like to video game if you want a lawyer for a husband. You’re not going to go to bars if you want a pastor. Pretty straight forward. Go where the fish are for the best fishing. But don’t look for a tuna in a gold fish bowl.

On a side note (combining the first few points) cultivate characteristics that will attract the type of guy you want to marry. If I want an independent career woman, than learning to be a good house wife is probably not going to attract me. And if that is what you really want (to be a house wife) you might should re-think your definition of Mr. Right.

Cultivate genuine interest. Here’s where it gets tricky. Being too interested appears needy and being too coy makes it look like you are just playing games. These types of situations inspired the name of this blog; after all dating is a sort of game. Ultimately you want to be genuinely interested. Guard how much of your being you let show at first but if you are merely interested because of sexual appeal, desire for a relationship, or status, you will soon find that the rest of what really makes up this guy will annoy you.

Demonstrate value. This is an indispensable point for both men and women. Once again, be higher value don’t just demonstrate it. How do you do this? If you like the worship leader type guys show that you know a thing or two about worship leading, if you enjoy athletes pay attention to the intricacies of their game and show that you actually know what you are talking about. But don’t just show interest in their interests. You need to have your own. And you need other interests besides this guy. In other words stay busy. Have a life. And slowly integrate him into it. If you really have become the amazing woman he would love to have, shouldn’t you be worth a little work for him to get? Don’t say yes every time he asks to hang out. Don’t be anxiously waiting by the phone for him to call. Get a life!

Be the best friend but beware of the friend zone. Relationships are leaning more and more toward companionship. People want romance but they also realize that real life is more about companionship than white horses and princes. I think this is harder for Christian girls because marriage is so hyped up in our subculture (partly because of the emphasis on waiting for sex, which is good). So become the guy’s best friend but keep away from that fine line of become just a sister. You need to keep flirting and avoid buddy activities like hanging out in the basement with seven of his guy friends and talking about sports. A word of caution though, don’t take this too far, some guys want their girl to be comfortable with the boys and love having her along during guy time.

Be Mrs. Right. Think about all the amazing things you want your guy to be. And think about what an attractive, hardworking, romantic, understanding, loving, Godly guy he is. Don’t you think such a man deserves a similar woman? Work out. Eat right. Work hard at your job or college degree. Be fun and romantic. Read books on being a better wife/girlfriend. Learn how to respect and love a guy. Read what Jesus says about loving one another. Start this now. It’s harder when you’re already in the relationship.

Play for the long run. Once you think you have met the guy of your dreams and are headed toward a relationship, you must be on your guard for letting down your game. Certainly we all want to be love and accepted for who we are. And a guy should feel that way. But if you put on your best for him the first few months and then slowly slack off, he might leave you on the twelfth month saddened that you didn’t turn out to be the girl he thought you were. Always be your best self. Don’t put on a show. Be. This goes for your whole life.

If you have any questions please email me I’m not an expert but I think I know from experience a few things that work and a few that don’t. Let’s talk!


Posted by on November 29, 2011 in James


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