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Why are all of my friends getting married and I’m not?


Ring by spring! MRS. Degree. Finding Mr. Right. These are all the subject of many conversations in Christian circles. Marriage is a good thing. Designed by God for our enjoyment and a real reflection of His beauty. Christians also preach abstinence before marriage, simultaneously sweetening the concept. Children are often of higher values. Many Christian girls are even brought up with the notion that they are incomplete until they are connected with the man of their dreams.

So if marriage is so highly sought after and so wonderful, why are all my friends getting their rings and I’m still unhappily waiting?

To start let me ask you a simple question: what are you doing right now to become the best possible girlfriend and wife you can be?

Are you enjoying your favorite TV shows? Working so you can have extra money to spend on cute outfits? Gossiping with your girlfriends and talking about who’s hot and who’s not? Involved in fun activities to fill every moment of your day? Regretting what you don’t have rather than rejoicing in what you do have?

I wouldn’t condemn any of these things (except maybe gossip) but let’s change the perspective. Which would you want the man you eventually marry to spend his college and early adulthood days doing:

  1. Playing video games eventually mastering World of War Craft. Drinking beers with his buddies. Flirting with other hot girls he knows he’ll never date just for fun. Watching football.

Or

  1. Reading books on how to be a better man. Learning to understand women by interacting with ones similar to one he might marry. Cultivating healthy lifestyle habits. Pursuing a career that could support a family.

My guess is that most of you would pick number two. So putting the ball back in your court: what are you doing to make yourself that charming, appealing, helpful, hardworking, respectable woman that a guy might want? Are you pining away with jealousy every time another one of your friends says “yes!” or are you praising God that you have that much more time to become an even more irresistible woman?

Think about how much you prepared for college. It all started when your parents taught you the basics of life like not touching hot stoves and doing your laundry. You learned to read. Math. Social interaction. Writing. Driving. Interpersonal skills. For the first 18 years of your life you were being prepared to leave the home and go to college in the “real” world. Wouldn’t it seem right to put that much effort into something that should last a lifetime?

Once you’ve started down the right track of preparing for marriage you can start the often painful step of realizing why perhaps you aren’t getting snatched up. Perhaps you have a tendency to nag? Any guy who understands women and can emotionally connect with them can spot a nagging type woman often on the first date. If he is secure and willing to wait for the right girl, he will turn this one down without thinking.

Or maybe you are given to a negative attitude. You may be a beautiful girl with the most perfect smile and gorgeous curves. You may be more intelligent than the guy’s law school buddies. But if he senses a negative approach toward life he may look down the years of the future and realize a lifetime of negativity is not worth your company.

Here’s another thing to consider which may make some quite angry but I have to bring it up because rightly or wrongly it’s so important in today’s world: do you take care of yourself physically? Do you dress attractively? Do you eat right? Do you work out regularly? No guy in his right mind is looking for a Victoria Secret model. In fact, many guys prefer much more curvy women. But few guys want someone who is unhealthy or seriously overweight.

I saw an episode of “Lie to Me” where the lie detectors determine that a woman was motivated to pursue a guy because of his money. She loved him from her heart but had initially gone for him because he was wealthy. But before allowing him to ditch her in anger, the team of psychologists aptly pointed out “didn’t you desire her for her beauty?” He truly loved her, but that initial attraction was sparked by her outward beauty.

So before you judge a guy for initially being attracted primarily by your looks think to yourself: what was the reason I was initially attracted?

One final thought. Perhaps the reason your friends are getting married is because they are trying but not appearing to try. What do I mean?

To get a guy you need to go where they are. Meet them. Spend time with them. Become what the guy of your dreams would dream about. But when you meet him you can’t appear desperate. You have to be relaxed and happy with or without him. Be your best, but do so even when he’s not around so you don’t act differently in front of him.

 
4 Comments

Posted by on December 14, 2011 in James

 

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Rule number One: Don’t Care


Dave noticed Emily the first day of class. She had that “spark” in her eyes, he told his bros. And he knew he liked her from day one. She actually sat next to him in class the next week . . . but he didn’t say anything. Still that was an indicator of interest right? He started researching her. And getting to know her friends. The more I can know the more I can find out what she likes and attract her right? But when it came to the actual approach he grew increasingly nervous. He would make random comments about the class they were in or ask about homework. But whenever he was about to make a move he would think about everything that would go wrong and how that would totally ruin everything he had worked for. Not worth the risk. He had to get it perfect first and then make the approach.

Not exactly. In fact, this is exactly what you don’t want to do. Ever 

Never care so much about the game that your actual happiness as a person is affected by it. Your happiness and contentment needs to be completely unrelated to you getting the girl (or guy) you are interested in. Once you begin investing too much personal interest you will lose.

Why? Psychologically it is unhealthy for us to “need” someone to fill a whole. We need friendships and relationships in general in life for sure. But when you invest your emotional wellbeing in someone you barely know like that you broadcasting insecurity and neediness. These two characteristics are not what make you attractive. Trust me.

Solution? Don’t care? Enjoy meeting her because you’re a fun guy who loves to meet new people. With that in mind meeting her friend could be just as fun. If she is actually a charming person then the conversation will be enjoyable for the both of you (unless you aren’t a charming person, in that case go back to the drawing board and become one, no joke). And you don’t lose anything if she walks away!

That’s key. If you are happy and content in your life, enjoying the moment and pursing what you want in life, you’re not going to lose anything when she walks away. What’s meant to be will always be. If she’s meant to be with you she’ll come back. You made a good impression by showing that your confidence and freedom that come from being a man with a purpose outside of needing girls to fill an emotional vacuum.

Girls. Same goes for you. Don’t worry so much about the outcome of a coffee date. Why does it have to turn into a relationship? Or why are you worried you might not actually like him when he asks you out? If he sucks that bad say no. If not just have fun. The end. Don’t care about the outcome or you will be sure to procure yourself heart ache and emotional baggage with every guy. Marriage is great but stop thinking about it till a guy asks you.

If you haven’t taken the time to invest in some real friends now might be the time do so. Do you have people you can count on? You can share with? If not your only that much more needy and that much more likely to scare a decent guy or girl off for good. Care about your friends. But not about outcomes. Especially with that girl you just met. For all you know she could be your worst nightmare seducing you with an angelic mask.

 
3 Comments

Posted by on November 6, 2011 in James

 

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