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Controlling Boyfriends (part 3): What can I do to change?


So what if you are that guy who notices he is the control freak and its ruining his relationship? What can you start doing now to change? Are you ready for some hard work? Are you ready to rewrite the way you think?

I can imagine that most guys don’t want to be controlling. I never did and I’d try to rationalize any way that I could. However, by stepping back and away from the situation I could look and see what my actions really were. So step back. Maybe take some time off. Try to see from the girl’s perspective for a while? Ask yourself “am I trying to ensure that a certain outcome occurs. Do I believe that I won’t be happy unless that outcome occurs? Am I actually less happy by working so hard to control the outcome than I would be if I just let things happen?”

This blog talks a lot about getting what you want. You want the hot guy? Be the hot girl? You want an amazing well rounded wife? Be an amazing well rounded guy, with a sense of direction to boot.  You like your freedom and ability to make your own decisions? Allow your significant other that same freedom and don’t spend your hours imagining infidelity and how she might break your trust.

Practical:

Allow your girl (as if you have a choice) to hang out in settings that include other guys who could and might hit on her. Don’t question what happened. Don’t make yourself present. If you are present (a social gathering you are both attending where she is not necessarily evidently yours) allow her time and space that could invite other men to approach her.

Encourage her to enjoy and participate in activities that you both can’t do together. Maybe you have to work that night. Maybe you plan something with some other people. It’s important to have a life outside of each other. I’ve never been married but I think I can safely say this is important even in marriage. Certainly in dating.

Enjoy with amusement other guys flirting with her even in your presence. Ah this is a hard one. But who is she going home with. Honestly. If your girl is out with you and leaves you to go home with another guy you probably didn’t lose much bro.

Consciously ask more questions and give fewer answers. We love to solve problems (both men and women alike). We want to have a solution for our significant other’s tears and tirades. However, sometimes just asking questions and trying to understand is just what they need: not some well thought solution to a problem.

Try to go an entire week without once telling your girl what to do. Normally you should be assertive and make decisions. But if you struggle with being controlling you may be going to the opposite extreme, making all the decisions without her in mind.

Learn to put yourself in situations where you are out of control. Do this with all areas of life. If you can learn to master the art of controlling yourself when your circumstances are out of your control, you will go a long way in the dating game.

 
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Posted by on March 10, 2012 in James

 

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Controlling boyfriends (part 2): insecurity


I remember once having this girl friend. I felt as if I had to constantly keep tabs on her. I was a boy. Not a man. I texted her constantly. Called her incessantly. Chatted with her while in class. Asked her what she did pretty much all the time. Yes I even stalked her once or twice. I could tell you some funny stories. . . .

The point was I was controlling. Why? Because of one simple fact: I was an insecure boy inside. I had to control my environment in every way because if everything didn’t go according to plan I’d have a melt down! People who know me now might laugh, but I’m not lying.

This is the second reason I think we guys get controlling. We are really just insecure. Maybe we have a somewhat legitimate reason: we’ve been screwed before. Two quick points: this girl is not your ex-girlfriend, and if she is the one who screwed you, why are you still with her? If you’re willing to take the risk she must be worth it so stop worrying, if not walk!

I know it’s easier said than done. But sometimes for our own good (yes I’m talking about putting yourself first, before you can give to someone else you have to fill yourself) you have to walk away from a lot of good memories. But even more important you need to find your value in something other than a great girlfriend that does whatever you want her to.

Now some of us are not insecure because of anything to do with the woman we are dating. We look at other guys and think: he gets more girls because he has better abs, and he gets more girls because he has a nicer car, and he gets more girls because he had a bigger . . . These are often deep rooted insecurities that go back to childhood issues. We need to deal with these before we are capable of having healthy relationships.

When a girl feels crowed and controlled by you, especially for no reason, she will begin to feel insecure. She may look for freedom and wish to escape. All the sudden that guy with swag and style and perhaps a bit lower standards than your own look really appealing. And you’ll be left alone, confirming your fears and reinstating your insecurities.

This is why controlling is so unattractive: the number one reason a lot of young people are scared of commitment is that they don’t want to lose their freedom. I don’t want to lose mine. Why would my girl be any different? And for some petting insecurity of mine? Pathetic? Perhaps, but I’ve been there myself and I know it takes years to deal with.

Up next: how to deal with controlling habits.

 
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Posted by on March 8, 2012 in James

 

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Controlling boyfriends (part 1)


First, you should like me on Facebook here.

There is possibly nothing more unattractive than a controlling boyfriend (except maybe a controlling girlfriend!).

I remember sitting in a coffee shop and overhearing this young dating couple discuss financial issues. The guy was demanding that his girl react to her parent’s lack of support in this situation the way he would react. He was basically asking her to step out of her personality and comfort zone to conform to his way. And he thought he knew just how to do it. He held her hands. Looked deep into her eyes. Put some passion into his voice. He then started telling her “you’re not fine, you’re not fine at all, you need help!” Of course she countered by assuring him she is fine and can take care of herself. But he continued to passionately enforce that “no, you are not fine, you need to listen to me and do what I tell you!”

Ok I don’t know the whole story and I can’t judge, but why do guys feel the need to control their girlfriends?

I’m going to start by standing up for them. Some guys honestly want what’s best for their girls. Girls, how many times have you seen your man make an obviously poor decision and wished you could somehow change his mind. Hopefully you don’t resort to manipulation and nagging (it won’t work on me!). Maybe you’re man is doing the same for you. Maybe he really does know better than you on this particular situation. 

When we see someone doing something we think is going to hurt them sometimes we wish we could control their mind and make them change. We may passionately plead and try. But in the end the decision is theirs. And I think many of us humans have to learn the hard way. And life experience often proves the most condemned decisions end up being the best. So we fight against those who adamantly disapprove of our actions.

Perhaps that’s what the guy in the illustration wanted. He honestly thought he could help his girl out by convincing her somehow to do things her way. In relationships where you as a man feel than your girl is perpetually making poor decisions and you have tried therapeutic reasoning (not boyish whining like I illustrated) you may want to consider a relationship change. Some people just don’t make good life decisions.

Either way we must all realize we can’t change people. We can’t! We can calmly tell our opinion and try to show our reasons, but in the end they make the choice. And often in retrospect if we’d just seen things from their perspective we’d have perhaps thought differently.

So if you feel you must control your girlfriend because she is constantly making poor life decisions, why are you dating her? You can’t save her bro.

And if you sit back and realize you never took the time to get into her shoes, why don’t you stop telling and start asking!

Up next: the other reason that guys are controlling.

 
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Posted by on March 6, 2012 in James

 

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