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Oneitis: Prevention and Treatment (Part 2)


Read Oneitis: Falling in love too quickly (Part 1) first!

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Let’s think back over our own dating experience for a bit. Consider that first person you were in love with. Think about the amazing times you had together, the good memories, the laughter, and amazing way you found them so attractive. If you’ve had even minimal experience, that first love has come and gone and probably several more since then.

Imagine still thinking that person was “the one”. Imagine still pining over that loss of a guy six years ago. If you are you are not alone. However, if you are interested in perhaps considering other options and how to move on, please come talk to me, because I understand it can be hard. But honestly, if we look back we can see how those we were once enchanted with were actually, well quite normal.

Another thing that happens time and time again is hearing the words “I just know you’re the right one, I have peace about it”. Or even scarier in Christian circles is the God mandate. God told me to be with you. But looking back at what actually ends up in happening how many of those relationships that we knew were right or given by God actually ended in disaster?

In the moment it’s hard to remember these past experiences, we are in love and want that happy feeling. But maybe by keeping a brief journal you can remind yourself when you start to fall too quickly: until I say “I do” can I really be certain this is the “one” for me?

And the really scary thing is this: oneitis which creates a desperate desire to make sure you win your love’s heart, can actually do more to push it away! Especially early on in a relationship, we tend to push away those who are clingy and seem desperate. The more secure person (in this case the one without oneitis) is less emotionally attached. They may feel trapped by our passion so early on and may wish to leave us altogether just to be safe.

So how do I still romance this girl I’m into without developing a hard to cure case of oneitis? Or how can I flirt with this guy without getting emotionally attached before he does?

I would suggest having a strong support system of solid friends who are just as important if not more than your romantic interests. You know the phrase bros before hos? I would suggest that this is a good motto for early in relationships (however, a terrible one for long term). And keep them in the loop, especially if you know you tend to fall fast.

Another thing that I find helpful is to force yourself not to see them as often as you could perhaps early on. Maybe talk to a few other people at the same time (this is highly controversial among Christians I know!). At least keep friends of the opposite sex in the picture to some extent as a balance. Don’t ever lie or be a jerk about it, but if you find yourself becoming very attached after a couple of dates maybe not seeing that person for a few days or even a week would help you keep thinking clearly.

Meet new people. Realize that while we are special and unique, there are a lot of us and if one doesn’t work out God will in His timing provide the right person. We have an extra tool against oneitis that most people don’t: our faith. We can trust God to make decisions better than we can and even when we make mistakes to work it out for good. Sometimes I think our entire life is summed up in one short lesson “learning to trust God in EVERYTHING”.

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Posted by on January 18, 2012 in James

 

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To love at all is to be vulnerable – C.S. Lewis


Here is a quote from C.S. Lewis “The Four Loves” that I cannot get out of my mind:

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your hear will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your hear to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy or at least the risk of tragedy is damnation.  The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God’s will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness. It is like hiding the talent in a napkin and for much the same reason ‘I knew thee that thou were a hard man.’ Christ did not teach and suffer that we might become, even in the natural loves, more careful of our own happiness. If a man is not uncalculating towards the earthly beloveds whom he has seen, he is none the more likely to be so toward God who he has not seen.

We shall draw nearer to God not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armor. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it.”

 
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Posted by on January 14, 2012 in Jack

 

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So many different choices…


A popular song goes like this:
“There’s a lot of pretty girls in this city
There’s a lot of pretty girls in this town
I’m trying to pick the right one
I’m trying to pick the right one
Trying to find a shorty to hold me down”

And that’s the case… there’s a lot of different choices out there.

So how do you find the right one?

“I’m so indecisive
Trying to find a pretty girl that these shoes goes nice with”

That doesnt’ seem to be the best criteria, by any means. Some other answers are “you’ll feel it”, “it’s a matter of the heart”, “you’ll know it when you see it” or “you’ll just know”. As true as that may be with some people, it still does not deal with the fact that there’s a lot of options out there. Will you get the best option out there?

Most would want to think that. For the falks who believe that there’s only one person for you in the whole world, I’d hate to brake it to you, but things don’t really work out like that. Simple math: what if the person you’re suppose to be with, by human error (and those do happen on earth) marries somebody else? Then whoever was supposed to be married with that other person missed the que as well and thus the whole system fails…

I believe that we have a choice. God is an active part in guiding us, but I believe He wants us to mature in discernment in maturity in all things of life and this is one of them. If He would just say “marry this one” or “that one”, things would be to easy. We would not learn anything of discernment. In addition, if something goes bad, we’d say: “God, you told me to marry them- something wrong with them, could you fix it?” I don’t think we’d take responsibility as  much, and marriage is all about taking responsibility and being involved in the relationship.

So back to our question: how to choose from so many options? And when you’ve chosen a good option, how do you know that there’s not a better one out there? Well… there’s always going to be somebody better out there: somebody younger, smarter, richer, you name it. But you can’t spend you’re life chasing that next thing, because when you have it, there will be another better out there.

This is where we need to brake away from our capitalistic “get the best for my buck” mentality. Relationships are not like iPhones, used it for all it’s worth until the next one comes out. They are so much more than that, and if we don’t change our thinking, we’ll miss out on a lot.

The beauty of making a choice and staying with it, is growing together with that person, experiencing life together with them. After all, is not that what relationships are about? So make a choice, make a good choice, and continue with it. Don’t spend you’re time chasing the next best things, because guess what: you’ll start from scratch all over again, and in the mean time you could have grown so much more with your first choice.

You have one life. Time goes only one way. Find somebody to spend it with, and grow together with them. Invest in them an reap the rewards in time, with them. Don’t assume a capitalistic mentality about relationships, and if you do think about bonds… dividends pay in the long run.

 
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Posted by on December 3, 2011 in Jack

 

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