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Won’t my boyfriend be less likely to marry me if we have sex?

18 Feb

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Continuing the theme of sex and dating, I was thinking about one of the most common arguments that older people presented me as to why a girl should save her body for marriage: if the guy gets your body beforehand, he has what he wants without commitment, and will most likely not ask you to marry him.

When I first started dating, I fully believed this idea. As a guy I honestly thought that once I had sex with my girlfriend, a switch would turn in my head and I would no longer love her, I would simply want her body. Sex is a very emotionally connecting part of a relationship so it just made sense that to mess up God’s plan would mess up the relationship.

However, women, this does not seem to hold weight in real life. If a guy is going to respect you and your body and truly loves you, sex will not make a difference in that. Sex is a biological drive that both men and women have (in fact, many women are now openly refuting the myth that men have a stronger drive than women). But its not all there is a to a relationship or to a woman’s value to a man.

While sex is a unique bond that is best made in marriage, it is not the end prize that a guy is looking for. After all, if all he wanted was that couldn’t he just hook up with any attractive girl and save the ones he actually liked to be “just friends” from any ensuing emotional damage?

A guy’s respect and value of a woman is based on much more than sex. At least that’s the way a Christian guy should be. He should see you as a best friend, a companion, someone to pursue life’s dreams with, someone to support him in his endeavors, someone he believes in enough to support their endeavors as well. Sex is a wonderful part of this value, but should by no means be the sum of it.

The danger I see with this viewpoint is that you might start viewing sex as a tool. If I withhold my body from him he will marry me. But now that we’re married I wonder what else I can get him to do for sex. Maybe I should show him I expect flowers and massage before we have sex. Or if he doesn’t help with the dishes he doesn’t get any.

I don’t think a lot of women consciously think it through like this, but I can’t tell you the number of marriages I hear of where this is exactly how it plays out. Some women have made sex such a tool that they will gladly pleasure themselves to reduce their drive when their husband is around, making it even harder for him. In the end these women are hurting themselves as much as their husbands.

So do I agree with “why should he buy the cow when the milk is free”? No. Unless you’re a dairy cow and the only thing you’re good for is milk. Practice abstinence for the right reasons: because it saves your body and your heart for the person you are committed to. Don’t do it out of fear of losing your boyfriend or as a tool to get your way. If he doesn’t value you after sex, he probably didn’t value you before.

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4 Comments

Posted by on February 18, 2012 in James

 

Tags: , ,

4 responses to “Won’t my boyfriend be less likely to marry me if we have sex?

  1. zoegrl

    March 31, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    “Practice abstinence for the right reasons: because it saves your body and your heart for the person you are committed to.”

    interesting angle. I really appreciate the honesty and the perspective shift you encourage. The idea of not viewing sex as a tool now because that won’t stop after you’re married. Its hard for people to see that its important to do the right thing with good motivation or even that “right thing” will become corrupt.

     
    • Christian Dating Games

      April 3, 2012 at 5:41 pm

      Good point. I see a lot of young Christian couples who really seem to be in the relationship just for sex – not in the moment but when they get married. Its really a tough balance – because marriage should have lots of healthy selfless sex but it shouldn’t be a tool – similarly dating couples should wait for marriage but shouldn’t marry because they can’t wait. If that makes sense.

       
  2. faithbond777

    March 31, 2012 at 6:54 pm

    And what if you never get married…?

    Faithbond777.wordpress.com

     

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