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My boyfriend and I are always fighting . . .

09 Feb

More on therapeutic dispute resolution technics…. (First go LIKE us on FACEBOOK)

To begin with you need to start listening. What do I mean by listening? Stop planning what you are going to say next and really think about what the other person is saying. Put yourself in their shoes and think about how you would feel if you were in that same position. Try to see through their lenses (based on their past and their desires for the future).

Once they are done sit back and give yourself some time to process what they said. And then restate in your own words what you think was being said. Summarize the key points of the dispute: “It seems to me that you are saying that we do not communicate enough and that I seem to want to spend time with my friends more than with you.”

This is called restating the problem. They may correct you and don’t get upset if they do. “No I’m not saying that at all!!! I’m saying you don’t know HOW to communicate with me because your too busy with your friends all the time!” Not much different but important in the other person’s eyes. Don’t ever contradict or argue.

Now you need to find some humility. Admit that there is some truth in what they say. Because no matter how perfect you are you can always improve. “I understand where you are coming from. I don’t always pay good attention to you when you talk and I do spend a lot of time with some of my friends.” Even if you feel that there is no truth at all in the accusation try to find something you agree on. “Your right, I could certainly grow in my communication skills and I need the reminder to put you first.”

Also acknowledge their feelings of hurt or anger. Don’t ignore these feelings that they have to you or discredit them. “Is it fair to say that this makes you angry and frustrated with me?”

Once you are on the same page with the offended part of the dispute, you can express your own feelings. You may see the truth that they are presenting but whenever this subject is brought up you shut down because you feel personally attacked. “When you talk to me like this I understand where you are coming from but I feel you have something personally against me and it makes me want to shut down. It’s not that I don’t hear what you are saying but when you raise your voice I feel belittled.”

Sometimes the thing that makes us most angry in a dispute with our significant other is the way they say things. So express how you feel in an understanding way. Acknowledge the truth but also address your feelings.

Finally, you need to ask how you can improve and change what is bothering them. Ask the other person what they would like to see you do differently. “How can I show you that I really want to hear what you are saying? How can I spend more quality time with you and make you feel like you are just as important as my friends are?” Don’t be tempted to simply offer your own solution. If the other person asks you can give you opinion or if they crossed a personal boundary (badmouthing you in front of others for example) you should address that. “I really want to change in those areas you mentioned. If you could take me aside in private instead of badmouthing me to my friends I think I would be more receptive to what you are saying.”

Good luck!

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6 Comments

Posted by on February 9, 2012 in James

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

6 responses to “My boyfriend and I are always fighting . . .

  1. onebeatblog

    February 10, 2012 at 5:18 pm

    Thanks for your insight. I will also add that communication can get even harder when you enter the marriage world. Unfortunately, we often hurt those we’re closest too the most simply because we are so close to them. Master these skills of effective communication now; it will only get harder as time goes on!

    Feel free to check out our most recent posts on modesty! (guys: http://onebeatblog.wordpress.com/2012/02/06/meet-the-noodle/ girls: http://onebeatblog.wordpress.com/2012/02/08/why-modest-is-hottest/ )

     
    • Christian Dating Games

      February 24, 2012 at 6:19 am

      I can see that. It seems to me that most married couples never took the time to really understand the world from the other person’s perspective and therefore can’t really communicate well at all. Of course some can and they set the example for the rest of us and are a joy to watch. I read the articles on modesty. Do you feel quite strongly on this issue and feel it plays an important role in Christian dating?

       
      • onebeatblog

        February 24, 2012 at 3:56 pm

        Modesty plays a huge role in Christian dating. Staying pure is so hard when we’re inundated with everything, the way we are. Guys who are keeping a pure mind and girls who live a life of purity are more likely to succeed for the long run.

        I’ve told our girl students, “A guy will only respect you as much as you respect yourself.” That means if girls dress like trash they are going to get treated like trash and vice versa.

        -Jason

         
  2. Tyler Texan

    February 13, 2012 at 5:01 am

    Interesting points

     
    • Christian Dating Games

      February 24, 2012 at 6:16 am

      Thanks for the comment. Let us know if you have a different perspective on anything!

       

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