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Myths about Friends with Benefits


Although my poll is not a scientific one, so far the results show that 60% of my readers believe that friend’s with benefits is never a wise idea.

This is the expected answer in Christian circles and I would presume that most of my readers are Christians. However, I would guess that in practice the actual number is much lower. Perhaps that is why some of us feel it is unwise, we have practiced it and had negative consequences.

Unfortunately most people learn by trial and error and not by other people’s advice. Especially when hormones and emotions are involved.

However, if we define friends with benefits as any amount of physical relationship (from cuddling onward) that is not a committed exclusive one; then I think we could say that most of us have had this type of relationship before. And that is the definition of friends with benefits I will use in this series. I’m not just talking about friends that have sex. I’m talking about all levels: cuddling, making out, Christian sex, etc.

So if you still believe friends with benefits is morally wrong (biblically) despite my definition and my assumption of actual practice, let me challenge you thinking once more:

Do you believe that some sort of physical relationship (holding hands, kissing and making out, are ok according to another poll we did) during a committed dating relationship is ok?

If so have you had been fully committed and then broken up?

Have you have thought you would marry someone and allowed yourself to go further physically than you would otherwise and then found it didn’t work out?

How many of your friends married their freshman boyfriend?

How many of you were quite physical with him?

Where do we get our standards for physical morality?

Is it from the Bible? Read out previous series to learn more about how far is too far and the like in a healthy physical relationship.

Did you know that the Bible only makes one distinction when it comes to relationships? Married and unmarried.

So what if we agree with the last series and say that physical needs to progress slowly with increasing intimacy toward marriage (I would agree with that for sure). This would involve a physical relationship to some extent outside of marriage. However, the Bible from which we get our morality would consider this simply a friendship, especially before engagement (remember marriage or no marriage is the paradigm).

Therefore, would it not be reasonable that if it was Biblically wrong to be friends with benefits than it would be biblically wrong to be dating with benefits?

If the average person have four failed relationships before marriage, aren’t your chances of a serious relationship not ending in marriage greater than the other way around?

If we liken dating to marriage instead of to friendship than wouldn’t it be more like a divorce when you break up after being physical?

And if God hate’s divorce wouldn’t it be better to wait until you are both 100% sure you will spend the rest of life together before advancing physically?

I’m only trying to challenge conventional thought not give an opinion here. The following articles with seek to address some of the practical ins and outs of friend’s with benefits without delving to deeply into the moral issues. That’s for you to decide. Happy reading!

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Posted by on October 14, 2012 in James

 

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An Introduction to Friends with Benefits


Chris and Angie have incredible chemistry. Anyone who watches their fluid bodies on the dance floor can tell you that. Chris can always make Angie laugh. Angie can always seduce Chris.

Chris always wanted to marry a good southern country girl. He grew up in Georgia in a well off family on an old elegant plantation about an hour outside of Atlanta. He knew eventually he’d move back and settle down with a wife and a guaranteed good job at his father’s company. His father encouraged him to make his own decisions, and this was what he wanted.

Angie was a Cali girl from a single parent home. She wanted an adventure. She wasn’t opposed to marriage despite her parent’s bad luck. She just wanted to make sure hers was based on love and compatibility not “the smart financial choice”. She wanted to see Africa and start a non-profit.

They both loved to dance. And while attending University they begin to cross mutual paths at dance parties, salsa nights, and night clubs. When Chris saw her slim blonde figure glide across that dance floor at a formal ball they attended, he knew he had to touch that body.

Fortunately they connected in more than just a physical sense. Enough so that you could certainly call them friends. Country boys were hot Angie thought. And Chris found the more liberal free mindset appealing.

It wasn’t long before a long sensual night on the dance floor turned into a steamy love scene in the bedroom. His body was perfect. Her sighs were ecstasy. It wasn’t a one night stand by any means. They both knew it would happen again. But neither was it true love as some would see it. Hormones were the drivers of their “love” and they were both ok with it.

On more than one occasion a friend might see them laughing and teasing each other at an outdoor café or over an Italian dinner. But anyone who knew them would know that this was most often subconscious foreplay to their vibrant love life.

When asked by his best friend if he was getting whipped by this girl, Chris laughed “no, that would never work; you know I still like Amber back in GA. I’m just waiting on her to realize Jake is not what she wants. We still text all the time.”

Angie was too independent. She never let herself fall for guys. Sure Chris was different. They had a connection. But she could never live in Georgia. Never.

She was just happy they were friends. With some damn good benefits.

 
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Posted by on October 10, 2012 in James

 

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Friends with Benefits


 
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Posted by on October 9, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Getting Physical: It’s Like Playing Tennis (5)


The casual, cosmopolitan, “getting physical” point of view is synthesized really well by this dialogue between Jamie and Dylan in “Friends with Benefits“:

Jamie: God, I miss sex! Right, I mean sometimes you just need it. It’s like…uh, it’s like cracking your neck.
Dylan: Why does it always gotta come with complications?
Jamie: And emotions.
Dylan: And guilt.
Jamie: Woh! Guilt!
Dylan: It’s womens fault.
Jamie: What?
Dylan: You heard me! ‘Hold me.’ ‘Lets spend the rest of our lives together.’
Jamie: Oh, please! You are no better. ‘Oh, yeah. Baby, come on now. Say my name. Yeah…eee…uuhh! I’m done. How was that?’
Dylan: Who have you been with?


Dylan: Why can it not be like that? It’s a physical act. Like playing tennis. Two people should be able to have sex like they’re playing tennis.
Jamie: Yeah! I mean, no one wants to go away for the weekend after they play tennis.
Dylan: It’s just a game. You shake hands, you get on with your sh*t.
Jamie: Yeah.
Dylan: Yeah.

This is quite a popular view. If people were just biological machines, sex could be recreational… just like tennis. With the prevention methods we have today, pregnancy is not even an issue some, why not?

If you look at life from a totally pragmatic point of view, this would make sense. I mean who does not want to have fun? After all, every one of us is a sexual being as much as he is a physical being. It really would work if we didn’t have a soul. It would be like rabbits in a zoo – just nature taking it course.

But the truth is that we have a soul, and our choices are moral choices. They involve a moral code- something that defines what is right and wrong. Some choices are amoral, like what toothpaste to buy or what color of sox to wear. But sex is a moral choice. It’s been recorded in most moral codes across time and the most authoritative one: the Bible.

Getting physical, having sex is reserved for marriage because that’s how God design it. When a man and a woman give themselves to each other, it’s not just for a moment. It’s design to creata oneness, community. And community is not built just on fillings- but on commitment as well. The beauty of sex is mirrored by the beauty of two souls becoming one, a new “we” which gets an identity of it’s own, and that “we” is a community.

We all want to be part of a healthy community, we all want to be loved. So let’s start by building healthy ones, and keeping sacred what is the most intimate community of all: marriage.

 
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Posted by on October 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Getting Physical: All I Want Is Your BODY (4)


She said it just right:
“All I wanna do is love your body
Tonight’s your lucky night, I know you want it” Christina Aguillera

We all have that time when we just want somebody… and not just to cuddle, haha. There’s just something about being physical with somebody. It’s fun. It’s close. It’s intimate.

The reason why it’s fun is that besides being a body, the other person is a soul. They’re not just genitals attached to a body. They also have a soul… which makes them human.

In our sensory saturated society we feel that all we want is release. So much pressure from everywhere… it build up. And we want release. When TV, movies, commercial, music and books talk about sex, it’s hard not to think about it.

What if we play it safe, use protection and enjoy ourselves? The only catch to that is that there’s no condom for the soul. And the soul gets affected.

In a world where bodies are just cells, brought forth by evolution, biological machines well tunned… in that world sex is just to continue the species. Sex doesn’t have meaning… well, nothing does for that matter – outside a subjective experience.

But life’s not like that. Even if we don’t believe, we feel that there’s something else out there. We feel with our heart the reality of other hearts – or souls.

And when you make love to somebody, it’s not just a body, but a soul with a body. That’s why it’s so much fun. That’s why it’s serious.

 

 
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Posted by on October 7, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Getting Physical: For Girls (3)


You’re on the couch, watching a movie and he goes for a move: what do you do? You’re making out, he’s making advances: what do you do?

It’s not a secret that guys will most likely be the first to initiate physical contact. If you’ve been dating for a while, this is no revelation.

Guys give affection for sex and girls give sex for affection.

Love is a verb. Love is a feeling. Love is action. Love is intentionality. Love has many ways of expression.

Gals, whatever you do, do it because you want to. Do it because you want to express a an attitude of the heart with your body. Don’t do it because you’re pressures into it. And do what’s right, at the proper time. Save sex for marriage. That is the propert context to express your love. You’ll be hurt if you do it before. If the physical side of the relationship progresses before your emotional and relational aspect you’re not growing healthy. If you feel like you are emotionally and physically at the point of moving forward – be there at the level of commitment as well.

Love based on feelings but without commitment will not last. Feelings change. People change, principles don’t. Commitments don’t lie – people do.

We are body and souls – develop both sides of you and your relationships – especially the romantic ones.

 
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Posted by on September 27, 2012 in Jack

 

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Getting Physical: For Men (Part 2)


Let’s be honest: any heathy young guy with a hot girl in his lap has one thing on his mind. It’s how we’re wired.

We can’t help but to react to beauty, to the suave side of the feminine nature. Like many other things in life, it comes this comes naturally, and it’s only highten by physical touch.

We are men, we love to do things, new things, exciting things. Sex is one of those things. Physical touch is the path that leads to that. However far along the path you might have gotten, let’s be honest – that’s where the path leads. It’s how it was meant to be. You might start with a gentle stroke, holding hands, kissing, french kissing, heavy stroke and so forth and so on. Wherever you choose to stop as a guy, you know that’s not to the last stop. You might hold the line until you are married, which is honorable. It’s how it ought to be. But physical touch leads toward that, and it’s a clue…

It’s a clue for us guys. It points toward the fact that a relationship is progressive, it’s growing, it evolves. A wise man would know that this is only one side of the relationship. There is also friendship, the social aspect, the intellectual aspect and even the spiritual aspect. All these are area in which a healthy relationships must grow. When a romantic relationship grows in all these areas, the two become one.

It’s a clue about community. It’s a clue about how we should do relationships. If the bodies become one, so should the souls. If desire drives the bodies to be closer, its pointing towards the fact that the hearts should be close as well.

Being physical with a girl is a gift from the Creator. It should be enjoyed at it’s proper time and it should culminate at marriage – as the rest of the relationships. And then you have only began the journey… of the two becoming one.

 

 
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Posted by on September 24, 2012 in Jack

 

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