Category Archives: James

#02 Get out there: How to talk to Girls Series

Get off your butt bro. Seriously. Get off the computer or PS3 and get out there. If you want to meet girls you got to get out there and meet them. Go out to places where girls hang out. This could be a coffee shop, a bar, a restaurant, a social area, your friends how who doesn’t sit around all day and play video games.

The point is to meet girls you have to be where the girls are. You can’t wait for them to come to you. Try throwing social gatherings at your house and inviting people who have lots of friends. Ask them to bring whoever they want especially people you don’t know.

Most girls love meeting new people. It builds their social network and helps them get that much closure to meeting the illusive soul mate that they all want (sarcasm intended). But they won’t ever meet you and all your charm if you are not trying. If you are like me sitting at home writing blogs all day long, you probably won’t be meeting very many girls.

Practical tips: go out at least twice a week to an environment where you will be forced to at least say high to a few people you don’t know. Ever town has social gatherings whether it’s a dance or a concert or a party or church. Commit this week to start going out. Also: commit to saying yes. Not in a retarded fashion (Like the movie), but say yes to every invite to hang out with people. Even if they aren’t your favorite people they might have some good friends!

Ideas on where to meet girls: night clubs, church, bars, sporting events, dinner parties, coffee, classes, work, gym, laundry, farmers market, recreation areas, etc.

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Posted by on June 14, 2012 in James


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#01 Introduction, How to talk to Girls Series

How many girls out there have had a guy they wish would just hurry up and ask them out? How many guys have had a girl they really like but just can’t seem to go up and talk to her?

When we started this website, one of the motivations behind it was to help “nice guys” develop the confidence and social abilities to actually talk to the girls they want. So many times the nice guy gets screwed. Either he is too nice and gets trampled on by girls or he just lacks the confidents that the “jerks” seem to have.

This works out bad for the guys because they feel like they just have to take what they can get. A lot of men live with that mindset, I just have to wait until a girl likes me and then jump on it or I might not have another chance.

This also works out bad for the girls because they often find themselves torn between being attracted to the confident adventurous side of a guy who tends to be more of a jerk and desiring to have a guy who treats them really well but unfortunately lacks confidence. Girls often make the more emotional choice and choose the guy who doesn’t treat them as well because of the feeling of adventure he brings.

Over the next month, I am going to be writing a ten or more part series on the basics of how to talk to girls. This is not just for guys those. I want women to comment to give advice too. I want the guys who read this to have real input from the women who read it.


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Posted by on June 12, 2012 in James, Uncategorized


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But what will my friends think if I spend the night with my boyfriend?

If you’re just getting started go read part one of this article firstShould I spend the night with my boyfriend?.

Friend’s opinions effect our decisions more than we would like to admit. I’ve noticed with many women that other’s opinions of their actions matter more to them than whether or not their actions are right or wrong. Interest isn’t it.

We talk so much in Christian dating about doing the right thing, honoring God, obeying his word. And yet most of our decisions have absolutely nothing to do with that. They have more to do with what our best friend thinks, what our mom would think if she knew, what that lady from church would say if she found out.

My advice is stop listening to them. Get their advice for sure and think about it. But decide your standards beforehand. And if they recommend something that disagrees with you just say “thanks for your thoughts, I will certainly keep that in mind”. Smile. And change the subject. I’ve seen so many couples who are already married and still in bondage to what the parents and in-laws think or what the couple next door is doing. It’s not healthy. Advice is good. Worrying about your reputation isn’t always so good.

Ultimately you should base your decision on your conscience. If you have thought about the Word of God (if that is important to you) and come up with morals you believe you should live by, don’t violate them. Who cares if your best friends “can’t believe you would do something like that!” You are going to live with your husband. Your best friend may move to Canada and leave you.

If you feel you can be self-controlled and you’ve weighed the risk and listened to older couple’s advice, then spend the night a few times to get used to it. I know this is no kosher Christian advice and I don’t mean to say “do what’s right for you and I’ll do what’s right for me, it’s all relative anyway”. It’s not, but I can’t decide your morals for you. If you really feel its ok, stop worrying about what the girls in your Bible study think. They should stop judging and start loving.

Christians often forget to model their lives after the life of Jesus. When one looks at how Jesus conducted himself, he was more often at odds with the religious right wing conservatives of his day. He was more interested in his follower’s hearts than in their specific actions. He seemed to want his followers to go out and love rather than worry about following a rule book.

Jesus forgave prostitutes and adulteresses while condemned the “righteous”. That would be like Jesus coming to you after you’ve messed up with your boyfriend, “Look I know you’ve done wrong, but I forgive you, go and sin no more” and then turning to the pure innocent friend who hasn’t even kissed her boyfriend and is looking down on you and saying “why do you judge, do you think that you have won my approval by following a set of rules at the expense of loving my daughter here?”

Morals are good. But if you don’t know how to advocate for them without being judgmental, condemning, unloving, or hypocritical than maybe you should spend more time working on yourself than on those around you.

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Posted by on June 6, 2012 in James


Who do I date?

There are so many options out there who do I pick? We wrote a post about this several months ago called So many different choices. This talked about some of what I’m going to discuss here. I recommend you read it for more details.

One thing that is very important is realizing that there are two kinds of people in the world. Ok I hate these generalized statements but this one is kind of true. One is the type of person who is a reactor. This person makes decisions based on those around him, emotions, and circumstances. This person is often insecure in themselves and driven by other people. They need a relationship because they feel incomplete without it.

The other is the type of person who acts on the world around them independently. This kind of person is secure in the fact they are single. They know where they are going in life. They know their values. Hopefully you are working to become this kind of person. And once you are there you will want to make sure you also date this kind of person as well.

Compatibility is huge. Being compatible doesn’t mean you like all the same things. It doesn’t mean that you agree on everything. It simply means that you are at the place in life where you know who you are. It also means that you are able and willing to make the necessary compromises to be in a relationship with that person. If you know that this other person wants to travel the world and you know you don’t than you are incompatible. However, if you never thought you wanted to but honestly would be happy just being with that person anywhere, than you are compatible. Just remember though the more dominant personality will usually win.

You want to date someone who is able to think through and make decision well. This is something you are working through and you don’t want to have someone who is just a baby in this area who could make things complicated.

You also want to date someone you have to work to get. Not in a game playing sort of way where they play hard to get just because. But you want someone who you will value. If you don’t think of them as equal or better than you, how can you really respect them in a relationship?

You must find someone who respects you. This is so important. In fact, I’d say it’s the second most important thing in choosing who to date. You must find mutual respect so that even in areas where you disagree you can see where the other person comes from and not think they are an idiot. You must respect them if you expect them to respect you.

I think the most important thing in choosing someone to date is whether or not they are able to forgive you. No matter how hard you try to be perfect you will eventually screw up. You will make them angry. You will frustrate them. Someone who holds grudges and can’t forgive makes a horrible person to date.

One other thing: make sure you are very sexually attracted to that person. At least if sex is ever going to be a part of your relationship. A lot of conservative Christians make the mistake of thinking that a spouse who loves the Lord and has a good personality is all they need. This is very unwise. Mature married couple confirm over and over again that in marriage, frequent passionate sex is often a barometer of how healthy the relationship is. We won’t be perfect in body forever, but you need someone whom you can see yourself waking up naked next to every morning.


Next up: Should I pursue Marriage?

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Posted by on April 3, 2012 in James


Better to live on a rooftop…

…than with a nagging woman: why nagging is so unbearable for healthy relationships.

We’ve been talking a lot about relationships and what kills them lately. Guys can often be controlling, both men and women can have lofty expectations. One thing that I have seen kill the joy in a number of relationships is a nagging wife or girlfriend.

Before you get defensive, I’d like to say that like controlling boyfriends these women often mean no harm at all. It may just be that you want to make sure your relationships survives because you see so many that don’t and you hope by getting on the guy’s case enough he will take those right steps. Others may notice problems with their man (he likes to smoke and its bad for his lungs) and so they seek to change him by constantly bringing those issues up.

While it is great to want your partner’s best interest, think about yourself ladies: how many times have you almost wanted to do the opposite when your man told you what to do. Even if he said it in a loving way, you may feel that desire to prove him wrong. That’s human nature; we don’t like people trying to change us.

And in fact, we can’t change people. He may give in to stop the nagging but he will grow to resent you in the process and will look for a way to do what he wants behind your back. Real change comes from within, when someone is convinced in their own heart that they need to change, that they want to change, that they can change, and that it’s worth the work that it will take to get there.


This post is continued on our new website:

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Posted by on March 17, 2012 in James


Controlling Boyfriends (part 3): What can I do to change?

So what if you are that guy who notices he is the control freak and its ruining his relationship? What can you start doing now to change? Are you ready for some hard work? Are you ready to rewrite the way you think?

I can imagine that most guys don’t want to be controlling. I never did and I’d try to rationalize any way that I could. However, by stepping back and away from the situation I could look and see what my actions really were. So step back. Maybe take some time off. Try to see from the girl’s perspective for a while? Ask yourself “am I trying to ensure that a certain outcome occurs. Do I believe that I won’t be happy unless that outcome occurs? Am I actually less happy by working so hard to control the outcome than I would be if I just let things happen?”

This blog talks a lot about getting what you want. You want the hot guy? Be the hot girl? You want an amazing well rounded wife? Be an amazing well rounded guy, with a sense of direction to boot.  You like your freedom and ability to make your own decisions? Allow your significant other that same freedom and don’t spend your hours imagining infidelity and how she might break your trust.


Allow your girl (as if you have a choice) to hang out in settings that include other guys who could and might hit on her. Don’t question what happened. Don’t make yourself present. If you are present (a social gathering you are both attending where she is not necessarily evidently yours) allow her time and space that could invite other men to approach her.

Encourage her to enjoy and participate in activities that you both can’t do together. Maybe you have to work that night. Maybe you plan something with some other people. It’s important to have a life outside of each other. I’ve never been married but I think I can safely say this is important even in marriage. Certainly in dating.

Enjoy with amusement other guys flirting with her even in your presence. Ah this is a hard one. But who is she going home with. Honestly. If your girl is out with you and leaves you to go home with another guy you probably didn’t lose much bro.

Consciously ask more questions and give fewer answers. We love to solve problems (both men and women alike). We want to have a solution for our significant other’s tears and tirades. However, sometimes just asking questions and trying to understand is just what they need: not some well thought solution to a problem.

Try to go an entire week without once telling your girl what to do. Normally you should be assertive and make decisions. But if you struggle with being controlling you may be going to the opposite extreme, making all the decisions without her in mind.

Learn to put yourself in situations where you are out of control. Do this with all areas of life. If you can learn to master the art of controlling yourself when your circumstances are out of your control, you will go a long way in the dating game.

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Posted by on March 10, 2012 in James


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Controlling boyfriends (part 2): insecurity

I remember once having this girl friend. I felt as if I had to constantly keep tabs on her. I was a boy. Not a man. I texted her constantly. Called her incessantly. Chatted with her while in class. Asked her what she did pretty much all the time. Yes I even stalked her once or twice. I could tell you some funny stories. . . .

The point was I was controlling. Why? Because of one simple fact: I was an insecure boy inside. I had to control my environment in every way because if everything didn’t go according to plan I’d have a melt down! People who know me now might laugh, but I’m not lying.

This is the second reason I think we guys get controlling. We are really just insecure. Maybe we have a somewhat legitimate reason: we’ve been screwed before. Two quick points: this girl is not your ex-girlfriend, and if she is the one who screwed you, why are you still with her? If you’re willing to take the risk she must be worth it so stop worrying, if not walk!

I know it’s easier said than done. But sometimes for our own good (yes I’m talking about putting yourself first, before you can give to someone else you have to fill yourself) you have to walk away from a lot of good memories. But even more important you need to find your value in something other than a great girlfriend that does whatever you want her to.

Now some of us are not insecure because of anything to do with the woman we are dating. We look at other guys and think: he gets more girls because he has better abs, and he gets more girls because he has a nicer car, and he gets more girls because he had a bigger . . . These are often deep rooted insecurities that go back to childhood issues. We need to deal with these before we are capable of having healthy relationships.

When a girl feels crowed and controlled by you, especially for no reason, she will begin to feel insecure. She may look for freedom and wish to escape. All the sudden that guy with swag and style and perhaps a bit lower standards than your own look really appealing. And you’ll be left alone, confirming your fears and reinstating your insecurities.

This is why controlling is so unattractive: the number one reason a lot of young people are scared of commitment is that they don’t want to lose their freedom. I don’t want to lose mine. Why would my girl be any different? And for some petting insecurity of mine? Pathetic? Perhaps, but I’ve been there myself and I know it takes years to deal with.

Up next: how to deal with controlling habits.

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Posted by on March 8, 2012 in James


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