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I’m James. I write some of the posts on this blog. In response to a reader question on our “about” page, I’d like to tell you a little of where my ideas come from.
I’ve spent most of my life in Christian or pseudo-Christian sub-cultures. This means living in places full of churches, spending time with people who try to follow Christian standards, and even going to a Christian University.
One thing I noticed is that dating in the Christian environment is quite messed up. In fact, it seemed like there is perhaps more confusion and stupid games going on in the Christian world than in the secular. I recall hearing of couples who broke up because God told them to. Or girls who would come up with the most absurd technicalities to ensure they were still virgins because somehow that made them more appealing to good Godly suburban worship leaders. Technical virgins?
My personal journey involved several failed relationships which were all vastly different but gave me some serious insight on the dating world. I realized that most guys are full of insecurities and social blunders that hurt their chances with women. I noticed that nice guys finished last. I saw girls time and time again choosing jerks, despite the fact that to your face they said they never would.
Another thing stood out to me: games. What I always thought of as games were either 1). Telling someone you liked them when you didn’t, 2) or purposely doing things to make them jealous or think of you to manipulate their feelings. What I soon realized is that the best game players were the biggest game haters (“I hate games” became synonymous with “I will play whatever games I must to get what I want“). But I also realized that to some extent these games work: if a girl doesn’t text you back you do think about her more.
Fed up with all the confusion I turned to Christian dating advice. Long story short, it sucked. But it made clear a few of the problems in Christian dating. One of the biggest problems is the “Just be yourself” culture. So many girls I noticed truly thought they could get these amazing fantasy Christian guys by simply reading their Bible and just being their selves. That was absurd to me. Wouldn’t an amazing guy want an amazing woman with more than selfish desires and Biblical knowledge?
Finally I turned to secular dating literature. And I found what was missing. All the sudden all the game made sense. Dating jerks made sense. Just be yourself became just be your best self. I learned the importance of confidence (the number one thing Christian guy’s lack). I learned how to avoid getting played and all the stuff that some guys who are naturally great with girls seem to know without thinking.
And I realized this: while I might not morally agree with the guy who picks up tons of women and has open relations with them, he just might understand something about women that the Christian author who married the one woman he ever loved totally missed.
And that’s when I wanted to write this blog. I realized that nice Christian guys were getting screwed because they had no idea how women think or how a real relationship works other than a few verses out of the Bible like “wives submit” and “men love your wives”.
But I also saw that girls were getting a bad deal too. All these “good” Christian guys were so caught up in their theology and black/white Christian thinking that they lacked the ability to empathize and relate to someone else and see from their perspective (especially a woman who they were interested in).
So I decided this blog should be geared toward both. It should combine firsthand experience with real live observation. It should answer questions and ask them. It should be based on Christian principles and books AND secular ones. It should be a place where we are free to talk about taboo relationship subjects and ask the hard questions. And it should be free of fluff and ideals that don’t translate into reality.