Read Oneitis: Falling in love too quickly (Part 1) first!
Let’s think back over our own dating experience for a bit. Consider that first person you were in love with. Think about the amazing times you had together, the good memories, the laughter, and amazing way you found them so attractive. If you’ve had even minimal experience, that first love has come and gone and probably several more since then.
Imagine still thinking that person was “the one”. Imagine still pining over that loss of a guy six years ago. If you are you are not alone. However, if you are interested in perhaps considering other options and how to move on, please come talk to me, because I understand it can be hard. But honestly, if we look back we can see how those we were once enchanted with were actually, well quite normal.
Another thing that happens time and time again is hearing the words “I just know you’re the right one, I have peace about it”. Or even scarier in Christian circles is the God mandate. God told me to be with you. But looking back at what actually ends up in happening how many of those relationships that we knew were right or given by God actually ended in disaster?
In the moment it’s hard to remember these past experiences, we are in love and want that happy feeling. But maybe by keeping a brief journal you can remind yourself when you start to fall too quickly: until I say “I do” can I really be certain this is the “one” for me?
And the really scary thing is this: oneitis which creates a desperate desire to make sure you win your love’s heart, can actually do more to push it away! Especially early on in a relationship, we tend to push away those who are clingy and seem desperate. The more secure person (in this case the one without oneitis) is less emotionally attached. They may feel trapped by our passion so early on and may wish to leave us altogether just to be safe.
So how do I still romance this girl I’m into without developing a hard to cure case of oneitis? Or how can I flirt with this guy without getting emotionally attached before he does?
I would suggest having a strong support system of solid friends who are just as important if not more than your romantic interests. You know the phrase bros before hos? I would suggest that this is a good motto for early in relationships (however, a terrible one for long term). And keep them in the loop, especially if you know you tend to fall fast.
Another thing that I find helpful is to force yourself not to see them as often as you could perhaps early on. Maybe talk to a few other people at the same time (this is highly controversial among Christians I know!). At least keep friends of the opposite sex in the picture to some extent as a balance. Don’t ever lie or be a jerk about it, but if you find yourself becoming very attached after a couple of dates maybe not seeing that person for a few days or even a week would help you keep thinking clearly.
Meet new people. Realize that while we are special and unique, there are a lot of us and if one doesn’t work out God will in His timing provide the right person. We have an extra tool against oneitis that most people don’t: our faith. We can trust God to make decisions better than we can and even when we make mistakes to work it out for good. Sometimes I think our entire life is summed up in one short lesson “learning to trust God in EVERYTHING”.