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Monthly Archives: November 2011

Rule 1a: Separate yourself from the outcome


Rule 1a: Separate yourself from the outcome

One thing that I have found in my experience is that when you elevate the outcome that you are hoping to get onto a pedestal, you subconsciously inhibit yourself from reaching that outcome. In other words, when you get so focused on the result that you forget about enjoying the journey, you often loose site of the aspects of the journey that make the result possible.

Solution? Separate yourself from the outcome. Don’t let the outcome fill your mind or your thoughts. When you talk to a girl she doesn’t want you thinking “how can I convince her to go on a date with me” or even worse “how can I make her my girlfriend or wife”. She wants to be enjoyed for who she is as a person in the moment. And most likely she can intuitively tell when you have ulterior motives.

Don’t get me wrong, many girls love being pursued. But being pursued doesn’t always (or actually as you’ll learn later, hardly ever) involve logical persuasion that you and she should be together.

That persuasion needs to come seamlessly through the connection you create by enjoying the moment and appreciating her for who she is now not what you can make her be in the future.

In the secular world you often see this idea applied with sex. If you want to have sex you need to stop trying (outwardly) to have sex. The phrase is quite over used “the hungry dog doesn’t get fed” but it is true. When a girl senses you care more about the outcome of your conversation than the conversation itself she is immediately turned off.

I’ve noticed a lot of “nice Christian guys” who, in their attempt to be good pure men who don’t just care about sex, loose the psychological reasoning behind those statements. They think that by openly pursing all the time and being that nice attentive guy the girl will inevitable see that logically they are the best choice because they are the nicest.

Not true. Girls don’t like jerks. That’s a myth (for the most part, you’ll see how it seems true in later posts). But when you approach an attractive woman often her first thought is “what do you want from me” or perhaps “not another one”. She’s used to guys who are only thinking about making her their wife (in Christian circles) or sleeping with her (in secular circles and sadly most Christian ones too).

If you can demonstrate that you really are interested in just enjoying her for the moment and not being dependent on some preconceived outcome, you actually have a better chance at something more.

 
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Posted by on November 8, 2011 in James

 

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Rule number One: Don’t Care


Dave noticed Emily the first day of class. She had that “spark” in her eyes, he told his bros. And he knew he liked her from day one. She actually sat next to him in class the next week . . . but he didn’t say anything. Still that was an indicator of interest right? He started researching her. And getting to know her friends. The more I can know the more I can find out what she likes and attract her right? But when it came to the actual approach he grew increasingly nervous. He would make random comments about the class they were in or ask about homework. But whenever he was about to make a move he would think about everything that would go wrong and how that would totally ruin everything he had worked for. Not worth the risk. He had to get it perfect first and then make the approach.

Not exactly. In fact, this is exactly what you don’t want to do. Ever 

Never care so much about the game that your actual happiness as a person is affected by it. Your happiness and contentment needs to be completely unrelated to you getting the girl (or guy) you are interested in. Once you begin investing too much personal interest you will lose.

Why? Psychologically it is unhealthy for us to “need” someone to fill a whole. We need friendships and relationships in general in life for sure. But when you invest your emotional wellbeing in someone you barely know like that you broadcasting insecurity and neediness. These two characteristics are not what make you attractive. Trust me.

Solution? Don’t care? Enjoy meeting her because you’re a fun guy who loves to meet new people. With that in mind meeting her friend could be just as fun. If she is actually a charming person then the conversation will be enjoyable for the both of you (unless you aren’t a charming person, in that case go back to the drawing board and become one, no joke). And you don’t lose anything if she walks away!

That’s key. If you are happy and content in your life, enjoying the moment and pursing what you want in life, you’re not going to lose anything when she walks away. What’s meant to be will always be. If she’s meant to be with you she’ll come back. You made a good impression by showing that your confidence and freedom that come from being a man with a purpose outside of needing girls to fill an emotional vacuum.

Girls. Same goes for you. Don’t worry so much about the outcome of a coffee date. Why does it have to turn into a relationship? Or why are you worried you might not actually like him when he asks you out? If he sucks that bad say no. If not just have fun. The end. Don’t care about the outcome or you will be sure to procure yourself heart ache and emotional baggage with every guy. Marriage is great but stop thinking about it till a guy asks you.

If you haven’t taken the time to invest in some real friends now might be the time do so. Do you have people you can count on? You can share with? If not your only that much more needy and that much more likely to scare a decent guy or girl off for good. Care about your friends. But not about outcomes. Especially with that girl you just met. For all you know she could be your worst nightmare seducing you with an angelic mask.

 
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Posted by on November 6, 2011 in James

 

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Is everybody doing it?


Everybody’s doing it, well… almost everybody.

According to a an article in Relevant Magazine, stats show that only 20% of Christians are virgins when they get marries as opposed to 12% of non-Christian people. We’re not that far along are we? In addition, 40% of Christians are in a current sexual relationship.

I don’t know how you want to slice it, but it seems that almost everybody’s doing it. I know most of my friends have been sexually active at some point, even though they are committed Christians now. It’s definitely crossed my mind, and opportunities passed by.

There is nothing to be proud of for sure. There may be some gray areas in Christianity, but this is not one of them. It’s in the ten commandments, it’s in the Gospels, it’s clear in the book: sex is reserved for marriage. No negotiations. There are some who want to change things around, and re-interpret the text, but any serious bible scholar – secular or Christian- will tell you that is the meaning of the text.

The question is how we got here? An article from CNN (again, nothing to be proud of) explains that with a more sexualized culture, explosion of porn and the average age of marriage going up, it’s something normal. I mean, back in the day girls got married by 16, not the average marriage age is 26 for girls and 28 for guys. Long time to fight lust, eh? It’s seems that the odds are against Christians, and fewer are maintaing their purity.

According to The Barna Group,  lowering of cultural standards and a curving of moral standards are leading causes of this new phenomenon. A “feel-good” spirituality and lax approach to standars is not the best way to establish a habit or a lifestyle for that matter.

So where does this leave us? It seems that everybody’s doing it…

The truth is that you know the truth. The Book says what it does, and there’s no questions about it. The question is what will you do about it? It’s not easy to go against the flow culture, and you might even be made fun of, a la “The 40 year old virgin.” Regardless, I believe that fighting for virtue is always right. In the end, we’re either Christians who go by the Book, or we must throw it all out. And let’s not deceive ourselves… despite the Hollywoodian idilic view of romance and one-night-stands, consequences exit. And so do STD’s and AIDS and abortions. Don’t be a part of the problem. Be part of the solution.

 
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Posted by on November 4, 2011 in Jack

 

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This is all great . . . but isn’t this just for guys?


So I realized that the majority of our posts were geared towards guys. I guess as a male myself I more easily can relate to the challenges of the dating world that mess up so many guys. However, dating can be quite complicated for both sexes and this blog is certainly not intended to be for guys only. The game is not limited to just guys at all.

It would seem in fact that innately many girls know these things by intuition. And many guys who may actually be a great match for a girl they are interested in blow it simply because they don’t have that intuitive understanding of a woman that she has of him. This makes him appear to lack confidence and purpose and therefore decimates his otherwise attractive personality.

How many girls out there have met guys who just did not connect with you on an emotional level? They may have the swagger, the money, the looks (whatever we erroneously believe will attract a woman) and yet without that emotional connection where you feel like he “just gets” you, that spark of attraction can’t really happen.

This blog is for you. It’s to help the guys in your life understand you. It’s a place for you to voice your opinion and understand how guys think. It’s a place to ask questions and offer advice.

Remember we talked about being in state and on being a natural? This applies to women as well. Equally. When you approach a guy (or he approaches you) are you trying too hard to sell yourself? Are you thinking constantly about how you look or what you are saying? Do you say things to try to prove that you’re a great catch?

For a confident guy this is a huge turn off. He wants someone who is sure of herself without having to prove it by telling him. Remember guys are visual. They want to see that you are amazing, not here about it. And don’t forget what I said about the game not solving your problems. This applies to women as much as men. If you are insecure learning how to interact with guys is not going to change that insecurity. Security must always come from within.

Another way that girls often go “out of state” is by trying too hard to play the game (i.e. purposely not responding to phone calls, blowing guys off, acting disinterested when they really are). Certainly, having high standards and holding to them is a must for attracting the right guy. But a confident emotionally connected guy can see through games very quickly. He will either play them back at you or leave you for someone real. So use games with caution.

And don’t confuse “games” with “the game”. The game is the rules which govern attraction in play in real life relationships. Social proof. Confidence. Emotional connections. Etc (see “Why We Play Games“). Games are for high school. They are immature and a waste of time. A guy who falls for them is weak and girl who plays them insecure.

Ask us any questions. Really Anything.

christiandatingames@yahoo.com

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Posted by on November 1, 2011 in James

 

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