Ever noticed how sometimes you can be out on the town and meet people left and right and never seem to run out of things to say? Ever noticed how sometimes you will be talking to a girl and you seem to be able to keep her attention forever? Ever notice how sometimes you just forget about what you should be saying and yet somehow everything just comes out right? Ever been so immersed in the moment that you forgot about time altogether? Or how about those times when you say the same thing to a girl one day and it works great and another day and you fall flat on your face?
These moments bring up the concept of being in state. This concept has been around for quite a while on differing aspects. Some people call it “just being yourself”. However, as we have seen, sometimes this is actually exactly the opposite of what you want to be. Perhaps a better way of putting it is “being your best self in the moment with having to think about it”. Owen Cook a sort of self-help/dating guru and founder of Real Social Dynamics has built an entire relationship/dating seminar based on this idea. His core belief is that as men looking to be successful in the mixed up world of opposite sex attraction we live in they must get beyond pick-up lines, quick fixes, alter egos, and framing and move toward a more natural approach.
You see when you are so worried about you are going to say or how she will react to you that you actually stop having fun, you begin to miss the entire point. The point of meeting people, of dating, of relationships, is to add something to your life. Or perhaps a better way of looking at it is relationships should be the overflow of your already fulfilled happy life. Those moments when all the right words just seem to flow are usually those moments when you forget about impressing and just allow your best natural self to emanate as it will through your conversation.
This requires intentionally developing your character and personality to have the depth necessary to be interesting, charismatic, and charming “just as you are”. Remember what I keep telling you, you’re not going to get this area of your life under control without hard work and invested time.
But do keep this in mind; being in state is an advanced mindset. Ever noticed those guys who just seem to naturally be excellent communicators whether with girls they are interested in or anyone they come in contact? These guys are simply being “in state”. They are immersed in the conversation, enjoying it for what it is regardless of the other person’s response or reaction. They don’t need validation. But how did these “natural experts” get to this place? Over a long time of trial and error. Perhaps as early as elementary school they begin to learn the game and understand human interaction. Their skills were perfected over the next ten or fifteen years.
Being in state takes time. But I want you to think about it now because as you learn the game your goal should be to eventually forget about. This takes confidence (which we will continue to stress) and patience (in the future I will talk about the idea of novice to expert created by two professors the Dreyfus brothers).